Firstly, I've read a lot of the posts on this board. Before anything else, I'd like to say that I think you are all beautiful, wonderful people. I've been brought to tears more times than I would like to admit just from seeing all the kind words on these boards. (*hug*) As for me, god, I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I should begin by giving a brief background of myself? I apologize in advance for the long and rambling nature of this post. I'm utterly lost and, frankly, terrified. I'm 21 and male. I first moved out of my parents' house to live with my best friend and his girlfriend last February. I'm in my third year of college. Relationship history: I have dated five girls total, and zero guys. Of those five women, I have had sex with three of them (lost my virginity at 19... so, recently-ish). I have fantasized about both men and women since adolescence, although I watched almost exclusively straight pornography. I frequently got bored while engaging in sex with women, and had some ED issues because of it. Family: I was raised in an incredibly judgmental, homophobic, and racist fundamentalist Christian household. I've been attempting to purge myself of this hateful programming for the last eight years, with small successes along the way. I'll cut to the chase. I met a boy in my Comm class. I was immediately attracted to him: tall, blonde, handsome, well-dressed. Confident. And very, very gay (more on that observation later). We had a group project together and became fast friends. Fast forward to last weekend: He invited me out drinking with him and a few of his friends. I eagerly agreed. I'll admit I went into this night fully intending to hook up with him. I did. We both got very intoxicated and I wound up spending most the night with him. It was a surreal, dreamlike experience. We spent the next night together as well. We got drunk again before having sex. I learned that I prefer to be a bottom. Last night, we went out to dinner and had fantastic conversation all night. I went home with him and we had sober sex for the first time. It was the most intense, mindbendingly amazing sexual experience of my life. I'm sure I will never, ever forget any detail of it. Afterwards, he fell asleep in my arms and it felt like the sweetest thing in the world. When I am with him, conversation flows easily. As a natural introvert, this is very unusual for me. I vibe with him on a level that I've never experienced before. I thought I had had emotional connections with the women I had dated before, but this is on such a whole new level of emotion that I am entirely unequipped to handle it. I can honestly say that, even when I was with a woman I claimed to "love", I never got anywhere near as high as I do when I am with him. Vestiges of my old bigotry remain, though. I can't help but describe him as the gay one, when I think about our dynamic. When I describe it to myself, I can't help but notice that I describe him as homosexual while calling myself "the straight one" in the relationship. I hate that I do this. It feels incredibly disrespectful and selfish. When I am going to meet him, or just thinking about our connection I call myself crazy and still react with anxiety and disbelief. It all falls away the minute we are together, but returns immediately when solitude finds me again. I've never been this worried about screwing up a relationship before. He knows that he was my first, and has been quite supportive of me so far- like letting me determine levels of PDA and not pushing me to do anything I may not be comfortable with. It makes me incredibly hesitant to discuss my reservations with him for fear of being perceived as needy or overly complicated. I don't want to sound "touristy", like I am just some college guy experimenting. At the same time, I know that if a woman I was dating were to talk to me about feelings this strong this early in a relationship it would seriously freak me out. I think this is just my first actual experience of emotional romantic connection, and because its so new it feels like getting hit by a train filled with buses. I tried talking to one of my closest straight male friends about it, and his responses to me were flippant and filled me with despair. He hasn't talked to me since then. I tried to talk about it with one of my female friends, and she just told me I suck. Literally, just "you suck". I can't talk to my best friend/roommate about it, because I do not believe he would take it well at all. And I cannot risk endangering my living situation as I do not have a plan B for lodging. This experience has given me a lot of hope, though: I'm not incapable of attachment like I had feared... I've just been looking in the wrong places. :icon_bigg But I still have nobody to talk to. And I'm about to explode from holding it all in. I live in a tiny little conservative college town with no discernible place for me to get help in person. I'm scared and worried and alone and I have no idea what to do. And I keep having this stupid urge to apologize for even talking about it. I really just need somebody to tell me it's going to be OK.
Hi Hydrogen10, First off, don't worry about unloading here. Guts get spillt left and right. That's what's supposed to happen here. Second. I think you'll be just fine. I think if you casually state to your fella, during a lighthearted, non-emotional conversation, that you're a beginner at all this relationship stuff and he should feel free to guide you in the right direction, you won't need to worry so much. Lay your cards on the table, so to speak. Innocence is endearing. So I've read. :]
Dude our situations are way too similar not to at least comment . I don't exactly have either clarity or good news for you . Basically it's pretty much the exact same scenario as yours , minus the masculinity "thing" ,or whatever you call it ( <but pretty much that'd be what you meant ), the ages , and some other small stuff. My boyfriend ( because somehow we came to that monicker last week. This is the first time I've expressed it so apparently I'm progressing) comes from a "Chritian Home". Somehow though he's more open minded and experienced, or prescient? with regard to everything , including our relationship . He's pretty awesome ; he's freaking everything, actually. I'm pretty liberal and I don't have any significant family issues conmensurate your family history. Among other things both he and I also have in common the fact that we can't be public at all . He's in high school and plays sports and Im in college. Both my little brother and my mom know about our relationship but I tend to be assertive in my dealings with my family. Both my parents are practicing Christians but their sense of parental responsibility and obligation to myself and my brother , irregardless of what they may not agree with us doing , remains a constant in my life. If it comes down to it I am not going to deny who he is to me with anyone but I'm also not going to put either of us in a precarious position with regard to any facet of our lives . Since he's younger I try and let him lead in the areas of public versus private. I searched out this site and I have to say it's been incredible for venting , practical information , and some visceral exposes on situations that occur in people's lives that are an eye opening , mind broadening experience for me to read about in these forums. If he knew I came here he'd wig the fuck out . Like you , before I met him I didnt have any homosexual experience. I sort of thought about hooking up with a guy in my senior year of high school but it never really seemed to manifest itself to the point of me wanting to do anything proactive. I had a girl friend at the time and one prior to that as well. My sex life was really good , I thought , until about 2 + Months ago . I also thought I had my emotiins fairly in check as well. I never told a chick I was in love ; always made it clear that when things got too "whatever" , either of us could bail , I figured my life was copacetic. Like I said , until a couple of months ago when I met this dude . Now, I can't tell you the difference between left or right ; I don't even know what I'm doing most of the time . I question myself a lot and it's scary as fuck. But then as soon as we come together it's like I have no fucking idea what I used to do before I met him. So point is , I pretty much "get" it. Look at a minor bright spot : At least you're a junior . I'm only a freshman and go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning with only one thing on my mind and it's not physical geography.
Oh, I'm going through something similar, just like Kris, isn't it weird?. Well, I'm 21, he's 24, He's out, I'm totaly closeted. It's been amazing 3 months, I connect with him like nobody else before. He told his sister about me 2 weeks ago and we have barely talked after that. I miss him, I miss him too much but he broke his promise. Anyway we're going to meet in a few days and I was going to tell him to be over cause we won't see each other anyway in 3 months because it's summer holidays here. But after reading your romantic story and reminding all the good things we went through I've no idea what am I gonna do now. Anyway, your story is very cool, you sound very happy, and that's what matters the most. It's not true you don't have anyone to talk to. You have him. And you have me , reach me anytime you want. I'd recommend you enjoy this time to the fullest. It'll be an experience you will never forget, your first deep love (as you describe it), and I don't want to say this but as this being your first same sex relationship it might not last too long, unless you are out of the closet. Follow your heart my friend, it's gonna be OK =) Felipe
