I have been married for twelve years to a good man. We have two young children together, both with life-long disabilities. Our marriage is non-existent. We do not sleep in the same bed and we haven't had sex for a very long time. The last few times we had, was a completely work out for me and I felt I was having sex with a stranger, it was awful and I did not want to do it. I feel like the overwhelming daily task of raising our children killed the love despite my best efforts. He doesn't seem to need an emotional connection with me neither he seems to be able to provide that emotional connection either and I tried my very best to connect over the years with little to no success. And then I met her...and for the first time in my life I felt attracted to another female. Her personality captivated me and we started talking more and more and we became friends. Sometime last year or the year before, she confessed me to me that she likes me more than just a friend. I didn't expect her to say that even though it was quite obvious from the connection both of us felt. But I did not pursue it because I did not wish to hurt my husband or anyone else for that matter. She still writes me, I see her almost every day and she still feels the same way about me. I do not feel repugnant about the idea of kissing or making out with another female, but quite the opposite. This whole experienced shook me up. It made me question my own sexuality. At first, I thought perhaps it is just a special bond I have with her and nothing more but as time passes, I really do not know what is happening to me but I crave the love of a female instead of a male. Not sure how to explain it. I am feeling really attracted towards lesbians but not ANY lesbians, but the ones described as "stud/butch". I find them very, very attractive and if I wasn't married, I would date one in a heartbeat. It reached the point that I went online and chatted with a few and they were mostly very polite and sweet and it made me question myself even more. When I look at porn, I do not look at heterosexual porn, it doesn't turn me on at all. I am almost in my 40's. I cannot believe this is happening to me. It is causing me to not sleep or eat because I have no appetite. I am feeling like I am walking and everybody knows what I am going through and is driving me crazy. Can anyone please tell me what is going with me? Is it that I am just craving for love and attention of ANYONE because I am not getting any? Is it just a phase? Or is it that my sexual orientation seems to me changing? PLEASE HELP!
My advice to you will not be on your sexuality because I think you need to solve the problem of your marriage first. You are both clearly unhappy in this marriage and it has become unhealthy for both of you. I think you should consider taking some time apart to find out what you both want. Maybe the separation will bring back the spark you two once had or it will make it obvious to you that you should be with other people, women specifically. You need love in your life and if your husband is not providing it then seeking it elsewhere is totally understandable.
