Hi. I’m a 19 year old girl. Let’s just call me Chrissy. And I currently identify as bisexual but I think I might actually be gay. I’ve been thinking this for a while now but it’s become a more persistent thought as I’ve gotten older and my feelings have matured. So let me begin with telling you I can’t say I’ve always noticed girls. I do know I’ve always wanted to be around them though. There’s this moment with girls when they get really excited, like there’s something they want to tell you, and they get this look of absolute joy and enthusiasm and it’s like everything around them gets brighter. And no matter how stupid what they say is it’s always going to be great news because you’ve seen them that happy. That’s a feeling I’ve never gotten from a guy. Regardless its things like this that make me almost infinitely sure I love women. Back to my original point; what I’m not sure of is whether I like men. I’ve always been able to see what makes a girl attractive; because it’s obvious. But when my friends talk about guys and their butts, or their ‘orgasmic’ shoulder blades, I have no idea what they’re talking about. I see that they have shoulder blades, and sure, they look okay, but I wouldn’t call them ‘orgasmic’. I know at this point, if you’re still reading, the general consensus is probably don’t knock it till you try it or something similar. I get that a lot. And I have; tried it. Once. So, I know this guy who chews a lot of gum, like A LOT of gum. Needless to say he got me drunk one time and we made out. It was kind what I’d imagine kissing a CPR dummy would be like; if it kissed back, with a lot of tongue. I felt absolutely nothing – it was like my mindset was entirely logical. Like, do this, then that - that probably feels good. I knew I wasn’t attracted to him before then but it just shocked me how clinical I could be about kissing him. For a while afterwards I just felt gross and I still cringe inwardly at the smell and taste of mint. Not to throw guys under the bus – they have things going for them too. It still feels nice when they hug you or play with your hair and to be fair maybe that guy was just a bad kisser or it was just that I was THAT unattracted to him. Some guys even have better personalities than girls and are much nicer to be around. Who knows maybe at some point I’ll find a guy that I like kissing and want to be with but in 19 years I haven’t felt any of that. Logically I know that I’m probably a massive lesbian that’s just in denial. But while I have no problem with liking girls, the prospect of completely writing off men is actually really scary. I know how much harder it would be to just identify as gay, especially considering I’ve never kissed a girl (which makes people super judgmental about me identifying as bi let alone lesbian). And also, what if I do identify as gay, and tell people that I am, but I kiss a girl and don’t like it. What does that mean for me then? I won’t suddenly be attracted to men. I don’t know, should I just accept that I’m not attracted to men and jump into the big scary world of lesbianism or do you think I just haven’t found the right guy yet? Are guys even for me? What if my female attraction is just imagined or exaggerated? Oh gosh why is sexuality so confusing? Thank you for your time and any advice would be greatly appreciated. And sorry this is so long. - Chrissy
Eh well one thing is for sure, and it's that a lot of people on this forum (myself included) are confused about their orientation to a certain extent. I haven't had any relations with guys, so like you, identifying as gay isn't the best label for me at the moment. I always tell myself I am, but now I'll just stick with bisexual because I don't know for sure. Attraction to both genders is apparent, and I realize that. My attraction to guys never crossed my mind, even when I was aware of it, but at this moment the attraction has become an obsession, a real obsession. I can't be in ANY relationship with this obsession because all I'm looking for right now is sex (aka lust). Don't rule out that you're a lesbian at the moment, at least not until you had a relationship with a girl. That's why I'm not letting everyone know that I'm gay because I don't want to give people the wrong idea. I haven't dated a guy, let alone had true feelings for guys so telling people that I'm gay would be highly misleading, especially when I'm in a state of confusion. Try not to suppress your feelings at the moment. As much as they may bother you, use them to find out more about yourself.
Sooo true:icon_wink. Or people don´t say to straight people that "it´s just a phase" they are going through.
I just want to say that I am so happy to have just read that. I feel like I can relate so much! I am also 19 and am unsure of my sexuality. I recently came out as bi but am now wondering if I am a lesbian. Firstly, I came out as bi before I had kissed a girl and got a lot of confusion from people. They didn't understand how I could know I like girls if I hadn't even kissed one. Because of that I began to question myself. Eventually though I did kiss a girl and, as expected, I was into it. Secondly, I hook up with boys just as often as an average 19 yr old girl would, except, like you, I don't really feel anything. I can almost guarantee that you will feel something when you do kiss a girl, seeing as your thoughts were mine exactly before I had hooked up with a girl. Also, I can totally relate to how coming out as bi is completely different from coming out as gay. I sometimes wonder if i'm denying it to myself just because I don't want to cut myself off from normalcy. I love flirting with boys, getting attention from them and telling my friends all about the hook ups but honestly, I sometimes can't wait until it's over.
