I have been content with not labeling my sexual and romantic orientation for a while but I feel like I'm now in a position to. I just don't know what the correct label is! I'm sexually attracted to women and I would say I have quite a high sex drive for someone pre-testosterone :icon_redf but I don't see myself wanting a relationship or engaging in sex. I have never had a crush on anyone, at least not in the way I think other people do. Yes, I can be very attracted to women physically but that is all. What does this make me?
To me it sounds like you're straight but just not interested in any sort of physical or emotional relationship
I do have a sex drive. Like I said, it's pretty high. If I was a cis guy, I probably would be interested in sexual relations but I don't have any desire to be in a relationship. I've also never really had a crush on anyone of any gender. Yes, I think women are attractive but I've never had romantic feelings for anyone. I've never imagined myself kissing anyone, or holding hands or doing anything sexual. Any sexual fantasies I have don't involve me. If I imagine myself in a relationship and doing all the romantic stuff like having dinner, buying gifts etc, it make me feel physically sick. I often feel that way about other people's relationships too. I know it's not normal. Is there a name for it?
Do you think it might be connected to your identity problems in general, and you just haven't resolved your identity enough to consider a relationship at this point? I don't believe everyone needs to have a romantic relationship with someone. Some people are perfectly OK living by themselves. I know there's a lot of pressure to pair up but I've known people who were much happier remaining single, and there are certain periods of one's life when being single can be beneficial.
I just highlighted that bit because it sprung out to me, especially when you were saying you have previously been happy not to label. What has happened now to make you want to label, if you don´t mind me asking? I think it can be a little confusing to say you are sexually attracted and then that you do not want any physical contact. I am not at all saying you are wrong, far from it, because your own sexual attraction is yours to define; with people generally equating that kind of attraction with some physical contact it just makes the question slightly harder to define without your further input. I have to slightly agree with DragonHerz, in that is this a part of wider identity concerns then just sexuality and romantic feelings. Of course you might not want romantic relationships and that is fine, or you may identify as asexual, which again is fine. But it's when you say (and I must apologise that I haven't quite mastered quoting multiple times yet!): I do have a sex drive. Like I said, it's pretty high. If I was a cis guy, I probably would be interested in sexual relations but I don't have any desire to be in a relationship. You are making a connection here with your gender identity. And I am not sure if you saying it is due to you feeling insecure for sort of anatomical reasons or that you are worried about trans identity in general. I know you mention hormones earlier and how you haven't gone on them for that to be a factor. Could the barrier to physical proximity be one of these issues? I don't want to presume on how you feel, but it is not clear to me if you are just worried about identifying in an asexual aromantic manner, or if you would be happy with perhaps aromantic, but sexual relations, if you weren't worrying about other issues.
Yes, it may be because of my identity issues that I don't want a relationship any time soon, especially because of my gender identity. I think it's in my best interest to remain single and abstain from any physical intimacy until I have transitioned fully. I think that it's also in the best interest of anyone I might get involved with as well. I think it's because I am in the process of coming out as trans to the rest of my family and any new people that I meet. I am anticipating that it will trigger people to start asking questions about my orientation. I am not someone who is going to pass well at all so me presenting more masculine is likely to come off as people thinking I'm a lesbian. I suppose I want to be ready to answer these questions or nip them in the bud where appropriate. I don't know how to answer the rest. All I can really tell you is that I am definitely attracted to women but I don't desire any physical contact because I disgust myself. As I said, any sexual fantasies I do have don't involve me. I suppose I would feel insecure because I'm not anatomically correct but to be honest, I hadn't even thought of it that far. I tend to find it difficult to bond with anyone. I don't have any close relationships in my life, even with my family. There just seems to be something missing that makes it possible for me to feel close to other people. It's really difficult living in a society where everybody is quite the opposite and assumes there is something 'wrong' with you for being this way. Perhaps there is, I don't know. I suppose it's this that makes me worry and feel bad for identifying as aromantic because theoretically, if I were not trans, I would be one of those asshole guys who gets with women just for the sex without feeling any emotional bond.
anonym, firstly can I say that I understand the close relationships thing. It has been an extremely new thing to me (in terms of familial, friend and romantic relationships). I can't speak from experience of trans issues, as I am not trans, however I can relate in that I have had and still have mental health issues and that has heavily affected intimacy (even in my mind/fantasies etc). Two years ago I could never imagine that I could trust someone enough to say 'I love you'. Even though ultimately I paid the price in having to quit my relationship due to mental health issues, it was a huge success in many ways. I am not suggesting in the future you will want a romantic relationship, as it sounds like something that just wouldn't suit you in the medium term at the very least. I just mean we often have huge unconscious and conscious barriers to work through to prevent our disgust at ourselves being part of many situations. I also rarely fantasise where I am actually involved in something- it makes me feel uncomfortable to imagine myself and I don't really want to see an image of myself in my mind either. I think it is great that as you come out about your gender identity, you start to think about sexual and romantic identity. It can only be good to know yourself. And whilst I appreciate for the sake of questions and explanations it would be great to have an answer for that right now, perhaps it just isn't time. It sounds terribly unhelpful, in fact when people were telling me on here a few months back just to wait and see, I was very impatient and wanting to know who I am. But sometimes you just have to briefly explain, or vaguely explain things until you are certain. Perhaps at this stage you can avoid labels a bit and maybe say 'I like x people, but am currently not looking for that as I am working myself out.' If people can't except that, or question you further, it will be difficult but I would just go with 'I am happy alone right now and we will see how that goes in the future.'
Thanks, Alais. even though i havent been looking for a relationship ( not that i'd be any interest to any woman anyway), it is a big weight off of my mind to accept that i dont want to be. i suppose i felt under pressure because of my age and everyone else around me is. ---------- Post added 11th Nov 2014 at 08:07 PM ---------- * in a relationship, I mean.
Yeah I get that. Several of my friends married very early and had kids. I have never felt a particular desire to conform, but I do worry that those kind of questions are coming oh so soon. And don't disregard how interesting you might be to a woman. I admit there may be some difficulties, lots of people aren't worth bothering with, but don't lose hope in the ones that are worth it and aren't nearly as phased as you might believe.
I'm not holding out any hope of a relationship in the future. I mean I don't want one any time soon but even if that changes in the future, I'm not going to go looking. It's not impossible to live a reasonably happy life alone I don't think, as long as I have plenty of things to keep me busy so I'm not focusing on any feelings of loneliness. The only thing I worry about leading a celibate life is that I'll always feel like I'm on the sidelines and can't relate to others my age. For example, the other day my family were discussing a holiday for my parents and my siblings and their partners and I just sat there feeling invisible. I would say I'm pretty behind other people my age in terms of what I've achieved in life and it seems that gap is only going to widen the older we all get.
