So I have been fairly confused for awhile now, the last year especially and I was just hoping to talk it out here. I always considered myself straight, however I never understood straight guys obsession with sex. Every time I have had sex with a girl I feel like I am going through the motions and not getting much out of it. Hell, most of the time I cant even keep an erection granted most of the times I was drunk, the few times I have finished I had to think about blowing a guy. That seems like a pretty good indicator looking back. I have had crushes on girls but almost all of them were girls that my friends were dating and nothing happened. In the past year I have fallen into a bout of depression after 2 shitty years of contant existential crisis. The real trigger was when the fraternity I was living in gave someone else, who was suspended from university, my room. I found this out after I drove through 2 states to move in. After this I had to live out of my car for about two weeks until some of the older guys offered me a room to live in that was off campus. I was extremely grateful but I pretty much lost my trust in most people after all of that. I just stopped living, stopped going out, stopped going to class, and eventually almost shot myself. This all lasted about a year or so, halfway through I started to wonder if I was gay. I fantasized about having sex with guys for awhile but I always brushed it off like there was no way for that to be me, because I act straight and am not effeminate what so ever I love man stuff: hunting, fishing, and rugby (despite living in the states the latter has always been my favorite thing to do). One of my roommates left to study abroad over the summer we subleased his room to another friend who was looking for a place to stay. Both of us got long and his girlfriend was really cool, I started to hang out with their friends, and whenever we went out to bars I would tell people I never met that I was gay compulsively. Whenever I did this I felt extremely regretful the next day and would be reclusive for the next few days. My new roommate and his girlfriend were the only ones living in the 6 bedroom house towards the end of the summer and we all became pretty close over bong hits and drunk N64 games. As time progressed I started to fantasize about getting intimate with him (the guy clearly worked out). I knew he was straight but I almost kissed him multiple times but backed out over fear of how he would react/fear that I might just be in a phase. Anyway the night before we moved out I drunkenly told his girlfriend that I am bisexual and she was super cool about it and told me she was to which was nice to be able to relate my feelings to someone. After moving home to my parents house because of bad grades I feel like the gay feelings went away for awhile and I went back to looking at girls, but it felt forced for some reason and I went back into questioning my sexuality. Now I can't stop looking at guys and I feel terrible about it. I am from the midwest and my dad usually comments at how gross gay relationships are and I have to sit there pretending not to care despite wanting to tell him I might be gay. I don't want this, I want to be normal, I want to get on with my life. I started seeing a counselor about the depression I think I might bring this up soon just to talk about it.
Hey dude, There's nothing wrong with you. Being not-straight is totally normal - even by definition. There are a lot more LGB people than you think. It's tough to accept that you might not be straight, especially with all the shit your dad has been saying, and especially with what others are saying, too. But try this. Stop trying to put a label on yourself now. Don't call yourself bisexual or gay or whatever - just try to accept how you feel. Don't say "Okay, I like guys... am I gay?!" - just say, "Okay, this is how I feel. So what?" It's difficult to get to a point where you'll be able to say "so what?", but I promise you that you'll get there. It's good you're seeing a counselor about your depression as well, and, if you don't mind me saying, I think it'll be a good idea to bring this up as well. It seems as if it's been stressing you a lot, and that doesn't do anything helpful, really. I hope everything turns out alright. Good luck.
All that I know is that every time I think I have an answer, not just sexuality but anything I'm struggling with, I feel as though for no reason at all it just gets ripped away from me and I am left in the same place as before. This happens over and over. It has come to the point that I am starting to forget who I am/was.
Could this be the consequence of doubt? If you're uncertain about things, it's generally easier to become confused and lost again. Take it one step at a time, and don't progress to the next "step" until you're really sure you know, and not just guessing. It may take a while, but at least then it wouldn't be able to be ripped from you.
I am pretty sure about being gay. I just don't know where to go from here. My fear is coming out to my friends. They would be perfectly cool with it and all but, what if all of this changes and I have to come out again as straight. I know I am worrying myself too much over this. I just want to be able to accept myself when so many people rejected me in my life. Sorry for sounding whiny this has just been eating away at me for sometime.
That's a huge fear for a lot of us - that this is just a phase, and you'll have to come out again, and then they'll rub it in your face. But chances are, if you're sure about being gay, that's not going to change. There's a saying that, before you come out to others, you need to come out to yourself. That's up to your interpretation, but it's basically saying you'll have to accept yourself first. And, you don't have anything to apologize for. Don't be afraid to let out your feelings, especially if you've been keeping it inside for so long. This is a support forum, and we're here to support you.
Thanks, that is very reassuring to hear. I'm still not comfortable with it yet but I feel like I'm getting on the right track.
