Ok I'm posting here in the hope of getting some answers and advice. I've been questioning my sexuality for the last year and a half or so and it's been driving me crazy. I've never been a girly girl, I've always been a tomboy that preferred skateboards and sport over playing with dolls. Oh and I absolutely hate wearing dresses but I do however like to dress nicely and wear make-up when I go out. Ok but getting to the actual crisis. It started about two years ago when I got a new bestfriend and we became really close really fast. I would do anything for her to keep her happy or to make her happy. One night we went out and we were in the club playing pool and I looked at her and I felt this urge to kiss her (I didn't though because she is and will always be straight) and I couldnt understand what was wrong with me. I knew I loved her but I didnt think it was in that way. Ever since that night I couldnt get her out of my head. I was always thinking about her and when I was with her I felt butterflies and when she touched my arm it felt like a shock through my body. I sometimes even imagined us trying out to be together. At that point I started wondering about my sexuality. After that I regularly had dreams of us being together and when I would wake up I would want in real life what happened in the dream. (The friendship unfortunately crashed and burned due to other reasons.) Before that friendship I had had a few "encounters" (not worthy of calling them relationships because they were just making out and never lasted more than a week) with guys. I never enjoyed making out with a guy it always "bored" me and lacked passion thus it never went further than that. Also I never see myself getting married or wanting to have kids. One last thing I seem to obsess over some women. Sometimes it's an actress from a movie other times its a girl at my college but its always women. When I say obsess i mean like I wonder what they are doing, I want to get to know them, learn about their interests and spend time with them. Also when I watch a movie with a lesbian couple I find myself beung jealous that I couldn't be in the one girl's place. I have no problem with LGBT but the idea of me possibly being lesbian or bi scares me and I don't have someone I fully trust to talk about this. Oh and BTW I'm 19 and female if you didn't realise it from my first paragraph. I hope someone here can give me some answers and advice. Thanks!
Hey MelG, welcome to EC! It is always scary to look in the mirror and see who you are for the first time. None of us here can tell you for sure what your orientation is. Whatever you choose to accept must make sense to you, and you alone. What you have described above sounds very familiar to many of us, hopefully, this is reassurance to you that you've come to the right place to explore this side of yourself. Try to separate judgment from observation, try to be as neutral as possible in order to achieve a greater level of clarity. Others who will respond will also be a guide for you, so take your time, sit back, relax and let's work on this together!
Hay greatwhale Thanks for the response and for welcoming me. I already feel a bit more at ease. And thanks for the advice. I guess your right I'm the only one who can decide who I want to be unfortunately it's just not the easiest decision to make but maybe time, patience and thinking will help. Sincerely MelG
Hey MelG, I also recently joined EC, mainly for support. I think what I have been experiencing is similar to your situation. I'm 19 and came out as bi a couple moths ago (before having an actual sexual encounter with a girl). Since then I have "experimented" and I have confirmed that I am in fact bi, if not completely gay. Just want to tell you that you should trust the feelings you have and act on them.. if you think you're into girls, it's probably because you are. Also, just to let you know, although I do know that i'm into girls, it doesn't mean that i'm fully comfortable with it. I still cringe at the thought of calling myself a lesbian or gay. I hope this makes you feel less alone!
Hay Emily1 Glad I'm not the only one going through this. I have thought about experimenting but its not the easiest thing to do and it kind of freaks me out sometimes, but maybe I'll build up some courage over time. Yeah labelling yourself isn't the easiest thing to do and I know you don't have to label yourself but like one of the other posts I read on EC I think I would feel more comfortable with a label. I'm glad you atleast got some answers eventhough you could just realize you aren't straight. Hopefully realization will happen to me as well. Sincerely MelG
Hay BTW any advice on going about experimenting? I'm extremely shy and not one to easily take action...
I'm shy as well and not sure to what degree should I experiment. I'd say as time passes by, you'll realize when the opportunity shows up, and that might be your chance. I'm still waiting lol.
Hay Jax12 Thanks for the feedback. Yeah we just need patience and hopefully an opportunity will come. Shyness isn't always an easy quality to have lol. Sincerely MelG
I've been introverted most of my life. More than just shy, it's always been awkward for me to approach someone. Talking on the internet was a God send for me. Letters, text, posts, I can express myself very well. In person, I'm a nervous wreck and often just hang back and let others play the social butterfly. If I have to make a phone call to someone I don't know, I'm in a severe state of panic and anxiety before, and during the call. Sometimes you just have to take the risk of rejection, ball it up, and throw caution to the wind. I've only just started that myself. I started with just talking to random people in my day. Cashiers, waitresses, store clerks. Just looking them in the eyes, smiling, and saying hello, how's your day going or something. Not trying to pick them up or anything, just being friendly. This often leads to more interaction then I expected. So, I've built up my confidence on dealing with people in person and on the phone. Interpersonal interaction takes practice. Breaking out of your shyness is certainly possible, though not easy. Practice, practice, practice.
Hay kindy14 You're not alone with the phone talking or talking to people in person. I also dislike having to make phone calls.Thanks for the advice! I really think I'll try to interact more with people like cashiers etc. Sincerely MelG
Yeah, that was an idea out of the blue I had at my therapists. She said, knowing your boundaries, and slowly pushing them was a great idea. Not enough to cause panic/anxiety, just to make it a habit. Taken 5 or 6 months, but I'm must less anxious about social interaction face to face. Sometimes a little to flirty. Couple of months ago, I especially liked saying hello to a cashier at one place. College student, cute, female, but I asked her, oh, what are you studying? ... Computer Science, wow, amazing coincidence, that's what my degree was in. Told her to stick it out, and not take any bullshit from anyone, male or female. A lot of IT places can be brutal to newbies. Has helped some with phone calls, but automated phone menus drive me crazy sometimes, and customer service calls still give me the same frustration, but not to the same height.
Hay kindy14 I'm glad you were able to make such progress it gives me hope that I might be able to do it to. Yeah talking to someone and finding a mutual interest also makes it a bit easier. Goodluck with your socializing. Sincerely MelG
