gay people: do you notice the opposite sex's sexuality, or do they appear 'asexual'

I've been trying to come to terms with my sexuality for a while now, especially with the fact that I think I was heavily repressed, and did not feel much attraction to people in general since my teenage years, so as strange as it sounds I don't really know what sexual attraction *is*.

I was exclusively attracted to women as a kid and as a teenager I trained myself into repressing that, and trained myself into thinking about men. As a result I became demisexual: attracted to other non-sexual traits first. I think I am mostly a biromantic homosexual, but still figuring out where I stand.

I tried the whole " think of yourself as bi for few days and thing of yourself as gay for few days and try to see which identity feels more natural/best for you" and I did feel much more comfortable thinking of myself as gay, 'bi' did feel kind of pressured and made me feel defensive of men.

The more I come to terms with the fact that my primary attractions are to women, the more 'sexual' I became (as opposed to "demisexual): I became aware and responding to peoples sexual energy.


But oddly, the more I allow myself to feel attraction to women, the more I also become aware of other peoples sexuality, and when perviously almost all men appeared asexual to me, now I do perceive their sexual energy.

It kind of confuses me, because for most of my life men appeared asexual to me, and because I don't actually *like* men as men, but as people only. It is also confusing because I don't want to be with a man or have sex with man

(I did have se with men in the past, whilst I did not dislike it as such, it felt kind of fake, disconnected and I did not really feel that my partner connected to 'me'.
This was my primary reason why I started to question my sexuality and realising that being with a woman felt more natural and genuine to me, I also noticed that I had to think of the men as I was with as 'falling for the person, rather than the sex', because I actually I don't get turned on sexually by male sexual attributes: : male chests/penis kind of feel weird to me, but I think I learned to blanking it out my 'bi' days)

I've felt that my bisexual behaviour was basically coming from 'trying to be straight' and denying my gay sexuality, rather than from being genuinely attracted to men.

But the odd thing is that the more I allow myself to genuinely *feel* attraction to women, I also start perceiving male sexual energy.

The best I can describe it is that it is a kind of unsettling feeling of both strongly experiencing somebody's sexual energy, but at the same time being a little bit repelled by it.

It really confuses me, because I don't know if it is actually sexual attraction and I am after all genuinely bisexual, or if it is a normal thing to feel for gay people as well: perceiving peoples energy, without necessarily wanting to engage with it, because I know from experience it would not feel completely right?

It also confuses me because it does not feel 'completely right', but on the other hand it gives me a feeling/worry that I am bisexual in the end, and I know this would make me try to be with men, rather than women, even though I know deep down I would be much happier and fulfilled with a woman.
In other words the response I have to noticing men is that I instantly start to blank out my attractions to women, which puts me again in a weird denial of my gayness.



it would be good to hear other people's perspective on that.

 

Re: gay people: do you notice the opposite sex's sexuality, or do they appear 'asexua

Essentially I am wondering if what I am feeling is me being genuinely bisexual, or if my mind is trying to trick me out of accepting myself as gay- part of either denial or bargaining stage.

My sexual experiences with women in comparison to my experiences with men made me feel like 'my soul is gay'. On the other hand my actual perceptions and responses to peoples sexual energy seem to mean that I do notice men as well, which makes me feel like whichever way I see the situation, I am in denial: either by focusing on men I am trying to deny the fact that I am gay, or by not accepting that what I experiences is attraction to men, I deny that I am bisexual. Its confusing.

The reason why I fret over this, is that whey I say to myself " I am gay", it feel much happier and at peace with the world, and yet I find it difficult to accept it as my 'stable' identity.

 

Re: gay people: do you notice the opposite sex's sexuality, or do they appear 'asexua

I know I don't want a straight relationship, or straight sex for that matter.

Do you feel comfortable with your responses?