I stumbled onto this site by accident and I am glad I did. I am having some difficulties and would appreciate some input/advice. I married in 2005 at the age of 36. However, 8 years later the marriage ended one day when she told me she could not do it anymore. She was tired of being alone. I am sure my story is not the only one like this. The day she told me she wanted out she told me she had suspected that I was gay for a few years. She said, no man can live and sleep in bed with a woman and not touch her or make her feel like he wants her. Our relationship was not always like this, but I know that during the relationship I became distant. I did not mean to but it happened. I wanted to fix it but wasn't sure how and by the time I tried or should say wanted to fix it, it was too late... She was done. We are good friends to this day and she tells me that I need to find out who I am and what I want and what makes me happy. We split up 3 years ago but have yet to get divorced, mainly for health insurance reasons, as she had some issues preventing her from working at the time and it did not cost my any more to cover her as myself and the kids, so we left things as they are. We made a verbal agreement to put the kids first and then ourselves. We also agreed that we could both date or see other people and that it would not be brought up in the divorce when the time came. She moved on and found a relationship with a guy that I had known for about 20 year, but was not really friends with, we just knew of each other, he was a nice guy from what I know from other people. They had a very up and down relationship and she spent almost 3 years with him until several months ago she finally left after she could no longer take his verbal abuse and controlling ways. She did not have a job and no place to go, her family lives out of state, she I told her to come here. I still love her and would love to fix the situation and get back together, but she is not willing. She believes that I need to be with a man. As soon as she left this guy her friends all banded together and got her out socializing and she met a new guy recently. She is very happy with him and I am happy for her to a certain extent. She does deserve happiness, she has not had that in a long time. But now I am very jealous that she is with him because I wanted to try and work it out. She is not willing. My issues is that I have always known something was different since I was maybe 8 years old. I know that I liked boys more than another boy should. As I got older and into high school, I still had the same feelings. I avoided sports and other activities that would put me in positions where I would have be in locker rooms or showers with my classmates. Although I did not believe that I acted gay or whatever they call it, I was relentlessly picked on and called gay by the older guys in school. This stopped when I got into high school. I do know that I have always been attracted to guys, and felt more than I should for them, but I grew up in a very small town in the country and never experimented with anyone. Later as an Adult I did finally experiment with a guy but pretty much all we did was jack together and kiss. It was nice and I liked it but it wasnt something I was wanting to continue at the time. I was just out of a relationship with a woman at time. It was a year later that I met my wife. I like sex with women, but I dont look at women or find them attractive like I do men. I have now had a few expeirences with other guys and enjoyed them, but then felt guilty afterwards. Not really sure why. Now I am trying to decide, am I gay. Am I bi. and if I am gay why do I want to get back together with the ex wife? Is it because it is safe and that is what I have known for the past 10 years or am I scared to move on and see what the future holds. I do have a close female friend who is gay and she has given me lots of advice, but I really feel like I need some advice from other guys on this issue. Thank you for reading and hoping to get some better insight. I am tired of feeling confused and not knowing what or who I am. I know I have to make that decision on my own but some insight on how others may have overcome the same thing would help alot.
Hmm. Ok, my thoughts on this...Bearing in mind that I've never felt anything for a woman or had any sexual or romantic contact or feelings for one - so your mileage may vary... First, based on what you describe from your childhood, you certainly weren't in an environment where being gay was considered acceptable or 'no big deal'. The teasing and other abuse you suffered may have instilled a feeling of shame about being gay or doing 'gay stuff'. When you've done stuff with guys, those feelings and associated guilt are probably triggered. This sounds like something you should work on just on general principles. Second, you spent many years with your wife and apparently have love and positive feelings for her. This could be because you are bi, or because you are human and spent a big chunk of your life building a life with her. There are guys here who were married and raising families for decades before they either finally realized they weren't straight or couldn't go on living a straight life any longer. Even if you're 100% gay, it doesn't mean you are incapable of feeling love or respect or friendship with someone of the opposite sex. It just isn't generally of the sexual or romantic kind. And, as mentioned above, you may be bi. Third, you may be really wanting to get back with your wife because of your feelings for her, or because it's what you know. Being scared to move on can happen for anybody of whatever gender or orientation. One thing that may be a factor here is that the ending of your relationship was not your choice. So you could be feeling like you've just been left hanging or that 'if only you can get the chance' you might be able to fix things. That desire (to 'fix things' that feel left unfixed or untried) can also manifest in people regardless of orientation or gender. As to what you might do about all this... As mentioned above, I would suggest that you look into trying to work through and resolve your feelings of guilt/shame about being non-straight. This may or may not require the assistance of a professional therapist who deals in these kinds of issues. Beyond that, it sounds like you need to work to accept that your wife has moved on and does not seem to be interested in getting back together again. Once you've made your peace with both of these issues, I think you will find it easier to move on and find a relationship with someone else, be they a man or a woman. In the meantime, I would suggest not worrying about what label should apply to you. Hope this helps, Todd
Thanks Todd. It all makes sense. Sex with a man always sounded appealing but after I actually tried it...it wasn't what I originally thought. I do love sex with women but don't really want to find another woman... Or at least right now I don't. I think mainly because I don't want to lose the woman I had, however I already lost her. And she won't be coming back at all. We do get along and support each other. However I want more and she doesn't. As for a relationship with a man... It isn't want I want either. But I don't want to be alone the rest of my life either... I guess I just need to get a dog. Figuring this out is all that has been on my mind. Had a major breakdown yesterday when talking to her about it. I tried to explain but she said she understood and tried to give advice. Its still all confusing. In did tell my thearpist about it all yesterday. He says work on less stress and find out who I am for now.
