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a few questions i have

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by wolfy1, Nov 16, 2014.

  1. wolfy1

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    so i have a few things here that i want to ask about:

    1. just curious but how often do you think about your sexuality? i feel like it never really leaves my mind, at least for the last 4-5 months when i came out to my self. like im always thinking about it ether intentionally or unintentionally in the back of my mind. very few times have i found my self not thinking about it. like im always thinking about coming out/ am i ready to come out... thinking about cute guys, some that i just cant get out of my head. like is this normal? im not dwelling on it when i think about it, but its always there at least a little.

    2. why am i so bad at showing my feelings? i have so many feelings in my head, but when i get in front of some one i just cant express it. there is a guy i like so much (this is a long story and im just going to touch on a little piece) and i finally got to go do something with him. we went as a group (him, me and some other classmates) to a play for a class were both in and i strictly positioned my self so that i would sit next to him. the whole time in the play i kept sneaking looks at him. he just got a hair cut and he really looked good! afterword we went to get food, and again i strictly positioned my self so i sat across from him... and the whole time i discreetly stared at him while he was eating and talking. the whole time i could not bring my self to flirt with him. i don't know if its because i don't know his sexuality.. or if i feel like i need permission form him for me to flert with him.. almost like i need him to flirt with me first or he will label me as the "creepy guy" who looks at him and acts weird around him lol. like this literally keeps happening to me, i don't know why i cant show my feelings to him (or anyone for the matter), on the inside i felt like i wanted to cry because i could not express how i felt.

    3. is it normal to be very apprehensive about coming out? i cant not express enough how much i want to be out and everything/ everyone to be ok, but im just so scared to actually come out. now let me explain. yes i am worried about a select few peoples response to it (such as my family, as they are very judgmental), but i think what has me more worried is what i keep asking my self..."what if im wrong?" what if i come out as gay and fidn out that im not and that im bi? i guess the reason im so worried about it is because im still so unsure about where my sexuality falls. like i am sure im not straight, and that's 100% OK with me, but where i fall after that is what my problem is. i know i fall somewhere around here (im the simile) [Str---------BI-------:icon_bigg--Gay]. the weird thing is... i have a strong sexual and emotional(i think, but really i dont think i can be sure until i have my first relationship (in talking about the emotional attraction)) attraction to guys, but i don't really know what the attraction girls is. like i admire there body, and can notice when a girl is good looking... but past that, i cant say that i really desire sex from them, but there is something there that i dont understand, and it just keeps me confused about it. like when im around a good looking girl i sometimes get the uneasy nerviness feeling in my stomach... but thats about it. i wish i could look in into a magic ball and it tell me what it is lol. like i said there is something there and thats why on the scale i made i dont say im completely gay.. but what does that mean then?

    4. does it ever bother you when you see people ewwing at gay people kissing? while at that play i mentioned in question 2, there was a scene where two guys kissed twice. i smiled, and everyone i went there with (all except me and the guy i like) ewwed and made comments after the play about it, about how nasty it was. i mean come on, whats the difference between a straight kiss and a gay kiss? like it really caught e off guard, i thought the people i was around were more open minded that that. i mean honestly i thought my generation was all more accepting to that sort of thing.


    i could keep going with question three for quite a while longer but i dont want this to be too long. so can i please get a little feed back on thees? thees things are just bugging me and i really want answers.
     
  2. rhapsodic

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    It's okay to think about your sexuality a lot. It's safe to say that it's a big part of your life and your identity. I often find myself thinking about my own sexuality, and I'll admit that it's hard to keep your mind off of it when you feel pretty alone and you don't have anyone to talk about it with. But it's okay, there's nothing wrong with thinking about your sexuality. And there's definitely nothing wrong with thinking about people you find cute. I'm pretty sure that's normal. :slight_smile:

    As for your crush, you should just start by being friendly and getting to know him. Don't force yourself into doing things that make you uncomfortable. Take it easy. Be yourself.

    Coming out is pretty terrifying. It's something I worry about a lot as well. Again, don't force yourself to do things you're not comfortable with. Take your time, and come out when you're ready. And on a side note, don't worry about being wrong about your sexuality. You sound like you're gay. Even if you are a slight bit attracted to girls, you sound much more attracted to boys. It is okay to call yourself gay, if that's what you're comfortable with.

    If you're gay, and someone sees a same sex couple kissing and finds it disgusting, it's completely normal to be offended. It's pretty a homophobic thing to do. You have to full right to be offended. Obviously, you're going to encounter homophobes in your life, or someone might say something that'll offend you, and even though it may be hard, you're going to have to learn to deal with it.

    I hope my answers help you. :slight_smile:
     
  3. mbanema

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    How often do you think about your sexuality?
    I accepted that I wasn't straight a long time ago, but it wasn't until this past year that it really consumed my thoughts. Since around last December it's been on my mind almost constantly -- wondering if I'll ever come out or find someone special with mutual interest. Fortunately it hasn't been a debilatating thing for me as I've been able to have happy moments and it's not something I think much about while I'm at work, but during any downtime it's there. This past week has been great for me though and for the first time in months those thoughts have not been at the forefront. I know they'll return soon, but it's nice to have a little break.

    What if I'm wrong?
    Don't get caught up in the labels; they really aren't important. The important thing is that you've recognized and accepted that you're not straight. If you tell people you're gay and later realize there might be something between some girl you meet, anybody who's already accepted you isn't going to be anything but happy for you and anybody who didn't isn't worth your time. Really though, if someone can accept you for being gay they aren't going to care if you turn out to be bi.

    I've had similar doubts, though I can't say it's ever been something I've worried about. When I first accepted that I wasn't straight I considered myself bi, but as a Kinsey 5.5+. It's still easy for me to identify and attractive girl and even feel kind of interested in her, but there's really no level of deep attraction or sexual desire there. Just about every intense feeling I've had is for another guy and at this point I have no problem calling myself gay (well, except for the whole coming out thing, but that's another story). I don't know if I can say that with absolute 100% confidence, but pretty close and if it turns out that I can develop sexual attraction for a girl I'll consider that a surprise, not a problem.

    Why am I so bad at showing my feelings?
    It's even harder if you're gay since there's always a good chance the guy you're crushing on is straight, but it's always an intimidating thing. Opening up to someone about your feelings puts you in a vulnerable position and it hurts a lot to be rejected.

    I've always thought it's better to force yourself to take a risk and be honest though. If you drive yourself crazy wanting to get closer to someone, what do you really have to lose? If you're already unhappy with the situation, opening up will either drastically improve things or you'll at least get closure and be able to move on quicker. It's much easier said than done, but with all things being equal I'd rather regret something I did than something I didn't do. It would be awful if someone you really liked disappeared from your life and you never took that chance...looking back and wondering what could have happened is miserable.

    Is it normal to be very apprehensive about coming out?
    Hell yes. I blame pretty much every negative aspect of my life on my inability to come out. I have no justifiable reason to be so stubborn about it; I'm in a completely safe environment, I'm financially independent, I'm in a LGBT-friendly state, and I know my parents would still love me. Even if my parents hated me for it, which I think is an impossible scenario, I still think in the long run I'd be a happier person. Despite every bit of logic telling me to do it though I just haven't been able to. I sure hope that changes soon.

    Does it ever both you when people express disgust at gay people kissing?
    I honestly don't have any experience with this, but yes, it would bother me. I think it's kind of uncomfortable when any couple -- gay or straight -- gets a little too affectionate in public, but I'd definitely be bothered if someone made hateful comments because they're gay.
     
  4. bi2me

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    How often do you think about your sexuality?
    After my trigger event in July, I thought about it a lot, but it's settled down some. That said, I'm also married, so it doesn't impact my day-to-day life/thinking all the time.

    What if I'm wrong?
    If you want to come out and not be wrong, you could just tell people you aren't straight. They can either ask what that means and you can explain it, or you can leave it at that and not worry about it. I think it's ok to be unsure about your sexuality, and I think it is also a fluid experience over a lifetime, so the way you feel now might not be the way you feel in 20 years.

    Why am I so bad at showing my feelings?
    For some reason, we see other people being vulnerable and think they are so brave, but when we try it ourselves, we usually feel embarrassed. Go figure! I'm working on this myself...

    Is it normal to be very apprehensive about coming out?
    Abso-F'ing-lutely! I'm hardly out to anyone, and I alternately feel guilty for this (because I can "hide" in my straight marriage) and like it isn't really anyone else's business anyway.

    Does it ever both you when people express disgust at gay people kissing?
    Yes, and I usually say something - at least if the person saying something is a friend or close acquaintance. I have the habit with my own children of talking about their future mates/sig others in gender neutral terms (or boyfriend/girlfriend type language). They don't think it's weird for 2 men or 2 women to fall in love because that's what I've told them and that's how we are raising them... this before my incident this summer, just what I believe in.

    Good luck, and try not to worry too much about labels and timing of everything! :slight_smile:
     
  5. YuriBunny

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    How often do you think about your sexuality?
    Every day at least a little.

    Is this normal?
    More than normal. I'd say it's to be expected.

    Why am I so bad at showing my feelings?
    I think it's fairly natural. A lot of people have troubles showing their feelings.

    Is it normal to be very apprehensive about coming out?
    YES. I'd say about 95% of LGBT+ people are apprehensive about coming out.

    What if I'm wrong?
    Well I guess you shouldn't come out if you're not feeling very sure of yourself... Wait till you feel sure, because I think you will eventually.

    What does that mean then?
    I think you're the only one who can know; we can't tell you what your orientation is.

    Does it ever bother you when you see people ewwing at gay people kissing?
    Ugh, yes. >.<
     
  6. Jax12

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    How often do you think about your sexuality?
    I think about it everyday. But for me it's a little different, as I am exploring what my attractions mean. After 5 hard months of thinking, I realize that I'm not attracted to guys near my age group. Even as I look back, I never did have any attraction towards guys. Guys were the ones I'd always hang out with, and it didn't feel awkward because we had so many interests (games, classes, etc). But with that said, I'm attracted to the gay acts and older men that I see in porn, and I seek to act them out in the real world which in this case, would give me the impression that I am not straight.

    With girls on the other hand, I get little nervous around the ones I find beautiful. I'm afraid of saying something ridiculous and making a fool out of myself. I like making fun of them too since it's always great to see a girl laugh. I remember holding hands with a girl and it gave me a boner haha.

    Is this normal?
    Echoing to YuriCore, it's expected when you're questioning a huge part of yourself.

    Why am I so bad at showing my feelings?
    Also echoing yo YuriCore, I'm not good at showing my feelings myself. I'm the type of guy that keeps the emotions inside and doesn't let anyone know how I feel. I only let people know how I feel when I'm very close with them.

    Some people just don't want people to know what they're feeling, and this varies for every person.

    Is it normal to be very apprehensive about coming out?
    Absolutely, 110%. When I told my parents what was going on I was terrified at how they would react. I had to tell them because I couldn't hold it in anymore, I just had to let it out.

    What if I'm wrong?
    This is my biggest fear. What if I marry a woman and turns out that I want to be with a man instead? Even to this day I still don't know, but I'm being open minded about it.

    What does that mean then?
    Over time you'll find out more about yourself. 5 months ago I thought I was gay, so I lived with that identity for a while but it didn't feel right. To be gay is to date and love a guy, and I didn't feel any pull towards guys, I see guys as my bro's. Sex becomes less important in a relationship, because as much as we try to use sexual attraction as an indicator of orientation, I've discovered that it's in fact, the worst way to determine your sexual orientation. Porn for example, is the worst way to say "Well then, I guess I'm into guys/girls/transsexuals".

    Does it ever bother you when you see people ewwing at gay people kissing?
    Yeah, it does. Then again, some people just aren't use to seeing the same gender kissing. Gay couples, like any other relationship, kiss each other because they like each other, and I can respect that.

    We all grew up in a heterosexual environment and when people of the same-sex kiss it's different, and people don't really like being different when it comes to norms; they get ostracized from society.

    I remember one time I saw these two guys kissing and I just thought "Oh! Rarely see that nowadays." I didn't feel grossed out, because I'm well aware that LGBT exist, and they're no different than anyone else.
     
    #6 Jax12, Nov 16, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2014
  7. Randomcloud

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    1. Before I accepted myself and came out, it was something I thought about frequently on a daily basis. Now, I'm just comfortable with it and 100% sure of it so I don't think about it as much. I think about cute girls all the time haha it's totally normal. All of it is normal. It's a big part of your identity, after all!

    2. Flirting and whatnot just comes naturally to some people I guess. I'm not the right person to give advice though- I have the same problem! But I agree with what another poster said, just start your communication slow and in a way you're comfortable with.

    3. SO NORMAL. There are so many people reluctant to come out because they feel like they aren't 100% sure of their identity yet. The thing is, some people are never really sure. And that's fine! If you feel that it would bring you relief to come out, I would do it! Even if you believe you are gay then later down the track find you're bisexual/pansexual/whatever- it doesn't mater! Nobody is going to judge you for it and it's actually a pretty common thing. Coming out is a complex process. And hey you could always just say "I'm not sure if I'm gay, but I'm definitely not straight" or something along those lines

    4. YEAH. It's so immature when people react like that. Ugh.
     
  8. wolfy1

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    Wow i got more of a response from this than i thought i would. thank you! i found much of what every one said to be interesting and helpful. it seems to be a common thing to think about your sexuality a lot at least when your still figure it all out, so i guess im more normal than i thought haha. i know i do kind of focus on a label at times, but its true that i know im not straight and that has been kind of what i go with sometimes lol. i know i lean toward gay for the most part so like many of you said, i could easily come out as gay and if i find out im bi later down the road, the people who stuck by me wont care, as they did not care that i was gay. i cant agree more with mbanema, in what he said about how most likely the guy i like is straight. i hate that! i dont want to make people feel bad or weird or anything if i hit on them or show in some way i like them... and if there straight then i might be offending them by my actions. that could definitely be a reason why i find it so hard to show my feelings for a guy. wish there was a sign above peoples head saying there sexuality haha, would make things alot easier! in time i will come out, when the time is right obviously. again, thank you everyone!