25 years old, and once again confused!

I grew up conservative Christian. As a child, I wanted to be called by a boys name. I played the husband when I played house. I didnt like being a girl. As I grew older, I didnt know what I wanted or how I felt. I knew I was confused, but that I had to be straight and feminine, as that's the christian way. (as I was taught anyway) I cut my hair off and wore baggy clothes for many years. I looked like a boy and it didnt really bother me. I liked it, but didnt know why. But I was still trying to be a straight girl. As I've aged I've definitely embraced my gender as a woman. I'm just not very fluffy.

During my pre teenage years I had ZERO desire to date, had no male crushes, celebrity or otherwise. I was OBSESSED with certain actresses but thought I just wanted to be like them.

As a teenager I realized that the feelings I had towards certain girls or women were feelings of attraction and that I clearly had a "type." But I was a devout christian and it didnt even cross my mind that I could be gay. My obligation as a follower of Christ, was to live a christ-like life, which again means being straight.

Right before adulthood, I kinda fell apart with that whole religion thing. I didnt want to be a part of something that constantly made me confused and hate myself. I'm not necessarily talking about orientation here either, just about life in general. I STILL didnt quite own or understand my attraction to girls. I start fooling around with several older men. I enjoyed the rebellion part of it, and I enjoyed the idea that I could make a man want me. I mistook this enjoyment for actual emotional or physical attraction. I had NO desire for them to do anything to me. It was not appealing at all. I did stuff to them, because again, I liked that I could get them to want me and I liked the rebellion part of it. But I didnt enjoy the acts themselves.

I moved out of my parents home right before my 18th birthday, and I also left the state to live with my best friend/cousin. Once I got out of that environment, I started to accept my attraction to women, fully. But I considered myself bisexual because of whatever feelings I had toward men.

Shortly after I moved, I met my now ex husband. He was my perfect partner for nearly two years until he proposed and we married shortly after. I considered myself bisexual, favoring women, but having happened to fall in love with a man. I was very attracted to him because of the partnership. However, he is a legitimate psychopath and immediately after we married the emotional and psychological abuse started. We stayed married 4 years before I left.

Now, older, single and having worked through my battle with religion, god, my upbringing and my parents, I'm in the perfect situation to really figure out my orientation.

See, the thing is, while sex with my husband "worked" so to speak, I really could take it or leave it. I wanted to have sex with him, soley because I wanted to stay on his good side, I wanted to keep intimacy. Not because I really had sexual desire towards him. That's easier for me to understand now, out of the situation, than it was then. But I have many journal entries throughout the years detailing my struggle with our sex life. I don't know how much was my own orientation issues, and how much was him using sex and lack of sex to emotionally and psychologically manipulate me. <<<< He definitely used those tactics.

Since then, I've had sex with a couple men, and still feel something lacking. It appears that I'm attracted to women and not really to men. However, due to my upbringing and traumatic bonding to my husband, I still feel this desire around men for them to want me. That messes with my head I think. That makes me feel bisexual. I'm just not really sure those feelings are truly attraction, or at least a healthy attraction.

If I manage to feel confident enough to be with a woman and not be too self conscious, its amazing! But I am immensely shy around women and super insecure and I don't have any idea what the dynamic should be when trying to date a woman. That is holding me back from embracing an identity of a lesbian.


Okay...so did any of that make sense? haha:bang:

---------- Post added 16th Nov 2014 at 07:04 PM ----------

I will say one thing. I was telling a story to a lesbian friend of mine a few years ago. I was still married and identified as a bisexual. The story was of a former friend who kept making homophobic remarks around. I finally snapped and said to him, "You do realize I'm gay right?"
She said "well you're not gay..." which of course she did, because I was married to a man.
But I felt a sting when she said that. I FELT gay. And now...as I mature and delve further into my sexuality, its the only label that FEELS right. Maybe that means nothing, but its hard to deny.

 

I'm actually really open and excited about the idea of dating a woman. I've already been intimate with several women before. When it comes to dating, I just find myself SUPER insecure and shy and self conscious around the ones I'm attracted to, and so, I havent taken that step. Now, I havent had much time to date a woman either because I was married for much of my adult life. So... I'm sure with time it will happen.

 

Sorry I realize I kinda left that part out. lol. I've never dated a woman, but I've definitely been intimate with them. Now Im just starting to question whether or not I'm legitimately attracted to men, or if its more of a traumatic bond thing like it was with my ex.
And, Im super shy about dating girls, just because I'm insecure, specifically about my body. Im more insecure about my body or how to act when I think about dating a woman rather than just sleeping with her.