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Am I Gay or Asexual ?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Serph990, Nov 18, 2014.

  1. Serph990

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    I'm 24, male and identify as gay. I've always been drawn towards men and even as a child I was inquisitive and curious about men and boys my age to the point where I was capably of fully grasping and acknowledging that men were "handsome" in more than just an aesthetic way, I gravitated towards their presence and admired their physical bodies. There's a certain energy of a man, that honestly I don't see in women, that draws me towards them and one of the things that really makes me heart flutter with sheer excitement is the prospect of romance with a man. My issue is that I have a very bizarre and erratic sex drive in that I'm not "On" like most other gay men and often time I tend to have my mind pining for romance rather than sex. Growing up, especially in high school, I didn't really find myself really thinking about sex, even after I graduated, around 18 onward I seldom thought about sex in that way but instead was simply just craving romance and emotional intimacy with another man. I used to initially think that maybe I was slow in some aspects of my sexual development and that eventually I will grow into it and be like every other hot blooded male out there. But, as I get older I've started to doubt myself and wonder if something is wrong me seeing as I am not as crazy about sex as other gay men are. It got to the point where I was fed up of being a virgin so I hooked up with a couple of men older than me, it wasn't technically intercourse but it involved oral sex, and honestly I didn't quite enjoy it as much, probably because I was not physically attracted to them. I try to watch porn and I just find it stiff and mechanical and not as appealing, I mean I do have certain fetishes and those definitely turn me on but basic sex does very little for me and while porn does not stimulate me enough, romantic gestures or even thinking about romance turns me on, emotionally and even sexually if a guy who's sweet and genuine towards me shows me some form of attention. So I have to ask am I gay or am I some kind of asexual who is romantically driven towards men?


    In terms of the latter, I was googling, as I so often do when my anxiety shoots off the roof, and I came across this


    Gray A

    * people who do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes
    * people who experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive
    * people who are technically sexual, but feel that it's not an important part of their lives and don't identify with standard sexual culture
    * people who experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them
    * Functionally asexuals who experience sexual feelings but do not engage in them
    * people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances
    * people who experience some parts of sexuality but not others, according to a theoretical model such as Rabger's[1]

    source: wiki

    and to be honest almost all of that applies to me but I'm still not sure. I have been having anxiety and depression for years now, all because of my sexuality tbh, and that has really messed things up for me, my body has become numb to anything regarding sex and my mind is exhausted with over thinking so I don't really want to label myself asexual if in fact all that's wrong with me is my anxiety and in fact I am gay.

    I apologize for making this so long, I appreciate your responses.
     
  2. kumawool

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    Well there's nothing wrong with you.

    You may be asexual, or simply less sexually active than is common. Alternatively, you may not derive pleasure from certain sex acts (oral/anal), leading you to believe you are asexual, which could be true, or linked to the physical biology of that organ.

    Nothing wrong with that; in fact it's nice to see someone so focused on romance, rather than sex. In a future partner, you will want someone with the same outlook...
     
  3. Spartan 117

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    Hi there! :slight_smile: You could be asexual. It's very hard for us to put a label on your sexuality because there are so many different degrees of sexuality - as you've no doubt discovered on your research! Sometimes, there isn't a label out there to completely suit you and honestly that's ok. It doesn't mean you're alone!

    However, having said all that, have you ever considered you might be Homo-romantic Demisexual?

    "Demisexuals are characterized by a lack of sexual attraction toward any person unless they become deeply emotionally or romantically connected with a specific person or persons. The level of connection it takes for sexual desire to form is dependent on how close the relationship is rather than initial attraction."

    Do you think any of those statements might apply to you?
     
    #3 Spartan 117, Nov 18, 2014
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  4. Serph990

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    I actually did come across that term sometime back and pondered as to whether it applied to me, but frankly I think it does not seeing as that I do have sexual urges towards men I come across whom I barely know or want to have romantic relationship with ie like most other gay guys I do in fact get turned on by men but its not as often as I would like it. Also its weird because despite me saying I have a low sex drive, I still get turned on and horny, specifically in that I have phases where I feel super horny and sexually frustrated and its in those instances where porn actually helps. For the most part though my turn ons are derived from romantic gestures like holding hands, cuddling etc.

    ---------- Post added 18th Nov 2014 at 01:53 PM ----------

    haa I was thinking about that just after I wrote this post, maybe I am the latter ie less sexually active than the general gay male populous. My logic is that its normal but just not as accepted? The way I see it, its quite common and accepted in the heterosexual spectrum of society to have individuals who are all over the place when it comes to their sexual urges and needs. You have straight people who have high sex drives and crave sex likes its no one's business, and then you have those who hardly desire sex and yet still are perfectly as hetero as they come so why in that case can't that apply to gay people? I feel we as a culture, ie the gay community, have created such a strong and concrete definition of the "gay identity" that anyone who deviates from it even the slightest is no longer considered part of that spectrum and that's just weird to me. So maybe I'm a gay guy who's just more than less interested in romance than actually being a part of the hook up culture eh? I really don't want to jump to conclusions and label myself Asexual when I don't even know why I feel the way I feel, I feel more comfortable identifying as gay tbh.
     
  5. Spartan 117

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    From what you've said, I wouldn't jump to conclusions about being asexual either. Especially as you still find men sexually attractive, even if it's not as often as you'd like! I think it's perfectly reasonable to want and get turned on by the thought of a loving relationship. In fact I'd say that's quite a good quality to have!

    If you feel comfortable with identifying as gay, then I think you should identify as gay. :slight_smile: Don't worry, not all gay guys are obsessed with sex, I know I'm not! You really sound quite normal to me!

    You said you suffer a lot from anxiety, well consider this one less thing you have to be anxious about. :icon_wink
     
  6. Serph990

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    Its just that the word "asexual" does nothing for me tbh, to me it doesn't really wholly define who I am as a person, unlike someone who strongly identifies as that sexuality. Conversely, when I say I am "Gay" there's a personal connection to that identity. When I came out to myself as Gay and accepted that I indeed liked men in more than one way, I actually felt comfortable and content, with this though contrary to what you said about my anxiety, it does some what heighten it because I feel that it that makes me abnormal. I just fear what if it is in fact a relationship ruiner for me because sex is not wholly important to me. One of my last hook ups with a guy, despite the fact he was trying to stimulate me I couldn't get hard because I was not attracted to his particular looks and in turn because of that, the low energy I gave off, he too couldn't get off because he felt out of place and weird. So I'm just nervous what if I'm somewhat broken and will only cause guys to back away from me :/ I also have really poor self esteem with my body and I've never really wanted anyone to get me off but instead have always enjoyed getting the other off so idk I just feel this is such a hindrance

    on a positive note I did manage to talk to a guy at University I've been crushing on for three months now and the whole time I was near him I had to resist the urge to want to make out/hug/cuddle with him lmao I tend to play scenarioes in my head a lot haa
     
  7. AnnoNemus

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    Wow. What you're describing actually sounds quite a lot like me. Certainly I was less honest with myself earlier in life, but the craving for intimacy and the lesser sex drive are both things I can relate to strongly. I've been having the same difficulties trying to figure out exactly what I am. While my interests extend to both men an women, I think the term "demisexual" is probably the closest fit for both of us, but gray A is pretty close too. Maybe it's somewhere in between?
     
  8. Caleb93

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    Hey Serph990, reading through your post I could relate to a lot of the things you said. The way you described your earlier years is a lot like mine. I also know exactly what you mean about your sex drive. I'm exactly the same way. I am generally not all that crazy about sex. There are periods of time when I rarely think about sex or get turned on by anything. Other times I get really horny and sexually frustrated just like you described. But overall what I desire more than anything is a romantic connection with another man. I don't think I'd actually want to have sex with anybody without that emotional attraction, even if I'm physically turned on by someone. I consider myself demisexual, even though I might not meet the strict definition. That's just the best term I can find to describe the way I am, and I think it describes me pretty well.
     
  9. Spartan 117

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    I hear you, and maybe you will have to have open and honest conversations with your future partners about how you feel. Honestly, I wouldn't say that you're abnormal though. :slight_smile: You will just have to find the right partner for you. Which when you think about it, is the same for all of us! Try not to worry about it being a relationship ruiner, I know it wouldn't bother me if I was in a relationship with someone who felt the same way as you.

    And hey, go you :wink: keep up the good work! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  10. Serph990

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    well now I'm glad I see someone else in the same boat especially since I do see you identifying as both gay and demisexual :thumbsup: what you said about "I don't think I'd actually want to have sex with anybody without the emotional attraction" hit the nail right on its head! I've tried hook up apps and other similar places and I often find myself saying "who cares?!" I much rather spend time getting to know a guy and doing something dorky with him like go to a museum or the aquarium than hang out at clubs "cruising" for a potential hookup, not that there's anything wrong with that if that's your cup of tea it just isn't mine.

    Personally, man is everything to me if I actually like his personality and we click. Its funny because I have very rarely used the words "Sexy or Hot" to describe a man, they seldom have much meaning to me, instead I tend to use the words "adorable" and "cute" way too often and with a great intensity because they mean much more even when I am referring to a guy whom I am sexually into, its just my bizarre quirk haa

    ---------- Post added 18th Nov 2014 at 06:55 PM ----------


    aw thank you, you're so sweet! I totally appreciate your kind words and support! :kiss:
     
    #10 Serph990, Nov 18, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2014