Being here is a big step for me because I never really talk about this thing to anyone but tonight I felt like I should talk to myself at least about it, and have somewhere to post that discussion so I know it happened and can't walk away. This probably makes no sense so I'm sorry if it doesn't. I'm 18 years old and I've never had a serious relationship, the only one I had lasted around 5 months and was with a girl who asked me, I was about 14 at the time and it felt weird to be in a relationship. I more or less treated her like a best friend and didn't get past hand holding because I felt a bit uncomfortable with it all, as well as not wanting to pressure. I'm a really insecure person. I have amazing friends and an amazing family who make it clear that they will love me regardless of my life choices. It's almost upsetting that my Dad especially likes to refer to any future family choices I make with "girlfriend or boyfriend","wife...or partner", "kids...or no kids...or even adopted if that's what you want". My Dad feels like I need someone to bring me out of my insecurities and he's not wrong, he just doesn't realise how personal I treat my sexuality and interests in general (I don't even tell my family what TV shows, books, movies or music I like, I keep 'my' things to myself as much as I can). I tell everyone I'm straight. As someone who hates attention in any form from people and fears constant judgement on their appearance and interests, straight seems like a safe option. The only problem is, I don't ever really get sexually attracted to girls. I think that's just something I need to accept for now, it might happen one day but it hasn't really happened yet. I more or less internally identified as bisexual for the past couple of years, I told a friend about it and I got a similar response back, although they are more certain of this and have done a lot more in every way with both genders, leaving me feeling like I can't go back and explore aspects of my sexuality (in talking, no action) with them. I came to the bisexual decision because I started to watch and enjoy gay porn. I watched it for the sex. I even liked the idea from both perspectives. Straight porn just didn't and doesn't feel the same to me, it also feels a lot more fake but I guess that's just an excuse I use too sometimes. I guess if I had to say, I classed myself as bisexual with male leanings. It's more complicated now. I'm 18. I get lonely and all I want at night is someone to hug and hold. I want someone who I can tell them how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I get emotionally attached to people, the other week I had a heart to heart with my best friend and told him that he is one of the few people in the world I truly love as a person and that his friendship means the world to me. I said all this with honest feeling and no romantic interest in him. Being male, it's hard to find opportunities to tell the people closest to me that I love them and discuss it to the extent I feel, most people just accept a short answer but I like to explain and keep talking, as you can probably see. The closest thing to attraction I have had is online attraction to someone which I only let myself half get involved in emotionally because I knew it wouldn't work out and it didn't. That was with a male. I also got involved in chatting online to males but I stopped myself when I realised I was just filling a void of loneliness and that I would not let myself throw myself at strangers just to get an emotional response or even consider doing the same for a physical one. I made a friend recently and over the past few months we've got along great. He's a great person and I do love him as a friend. After actually meeting him and being with him in person, I think I may actually have some feelings with him. The only issue is that I am unsure if my romantic attraction is still underdeveloped in maturity since I have such a lack of experience in everything. He's gay so it's not like it's impossible, but he does live quite far away. What is somewhat impossible is that I want to tell him all this, I want to tell him that I think I may possibly be gay and that I think I have some form of feelings for him. I share a lot of the same friends as him so it's really awkward. He has his close friends too, who he would probably disclose some information to if I ever did tell him. I can't risk that because I'm too insecure. Another worry is that even if I do tell him, I know that he'd want to publicly express things if we ever did decide on trying it out and considering I don't like my family knowing what books I read, it's not like I'm comfortable with all of my friends knowing and judging me, even in support. I want to talk to him in person about it all, because at least then there is no saved history of what I say, but I don't know if I'll ever get that chance or if he'll find someone. I know I'll never lose him as a friend, I just don't want to feel exposed in any way and I least of all do not want him to feel bad because of what I want. It feels like it's just a crush but part of me just wants to try anyway because every experience I have will only help me realise the legitimacy of my feelings and make me more aware of my emotions and sexuality. I don't like labels. I don't like being identified by them. I don't like people asking about my sexuality. I'm not generally a very 'sexual' person, I'm a lot more on the emotional side, but it's hard to express anything. I want someone to hold at night. I want someone to talk to. I want someone to love me because I don't love myself, and I want to love them for the same reason. I want someone to feel like they are special and happy, even at my expense. I don't know if I need a girlfriend, boyfriend, best friend or something else. I'm a bit lost really, and I just don't know what to do. Part of me is just really wanting to talk to him about things and say that I'm a closet-bi and I think he's cute and everything, then see what happens from there.
Hey there, and welcome to EC! I was in your position a couple months ago, where I was not very opened to talk about this. I agree, you have made a big step to talk about this, because let's be honest, no one really want's to talk about their orientation. You and I actually have a lot in common, so reading your post actually gave me a bit of relief! It is to my belief that porn use, along with your first relationship, has caused doubts in your sexual orientation. This is exactly where I was/am. I'll let you in on a little secret; Porn is the worst way to determine your sexual orientation. I repeat, it is the worst way to determine your sexual orientation. Why? Well first of all, what is porn? It's people having sex! It's people pleasuring other people. But what's missing? Love. I didn't realize this, so when I used porn as an indicator, it didn't align with reality. Now what do I mean with "align"? So I got off to older guys having sex, but I have never had a crush on a guy, EVER. If there's anything I'm confident about it's that. But why is this? I struggled about this answer for 6 years. You know you're addicted to porn when you try to make your fantasy into a reality. So in my case, the porn I was into was the big, buff and hairy guys. Men with the "father/dominant" appeal in reality got me anxious. I imagined all the sexual things I would do with them. It seemed so taboo which made it even more arousing. But then I had a webcam session with a local guy. We masturbated to each other, but in the end I felt extremely guilty and ashamed that I had carried out my fantasies. But if I am gay, why would I be guilty about these fantasies? I would be more concerned about how people would think about my orientation. I think I have HOCD, but I'm still unsure yet as I will be talking to a psychologist soon. I'm not going to label you because even though that's what you were looking for, it doesn't take you anywhere. What I will say though, is that be open to exploring your feelings. Speak to a psychologist if you need to, because it has truly given me some insight. If you want to experiment with the same gender, make sure it's safe. I cannot tell you how close I was to contacting the old guy for oral sex, but MY GOD was I glad that I didn't do it! I feel guilty enough for having cybersex with him. My Advice - Step away from porn - Monitor your feelings when you are with girls and guys. Who do you have a pull towards? Maybe you feel pulled towards both? - When you feel pulled towards someone, is it because of who they are as a person, or because they look like the people in porn? I think the problem you and I have is that we're both trying to clash porn and reality together, when really it's like trying to mix water and oil, it doesn't work.
Thanks for the reply Jax12, It's not that I'm in any way addicted to porn or try to bring any fantasies into reality, it's more that I love people for who they are. What I find attractive about my friend is that he isn't the most physically attractive, but has a nice smile and nice eyes, and he has a personality of being a bit slow to catch on with jokes, can be a bit gullible and is a really caring person and all those things make me feel like he's someone I want to just hold. Guess I keep answering my own questions really, I'm gonna tell him today. If anything, opening up about my sexuality should bring us closer as friends even if there is no returning of feeling. I'm not doing it for reciprocation, I want to do it because I feel like he deserves to know and feel liked.
It's great that you're looking for people based on their personalities and traits, rather than having the mindset of "do I want to have sex with them." I think you're in a good position then, since you aren't hooked onto porn like I am. Keep at it, you'll find out soon enough who you like.
Hey Jobvan First off, welcome to the forum! I thought I'd just throw my 2 cents in here. Having read your post, nothing about it strikes me as unusual. A lot of people here have been through exactly the same thing as you're going through, so you're not the only one who's felt like this. It sounds like you actually have a few things going for you; your friends and your dad are supportive of you, and you have some grasp of your sexuality as far as who you feel attracted to. It's okay that you don't want to be labelled. So many people worry about attaching a label to themselves. Don't get me wrong, labels can be useful, but I'm a firm believer in following your heart towards whoever makes you happy first and foremost. It seems to me that your real difficulties seem to spring from your own insecurities. From what you've said, it appears that you have many emotional walls that you find hard to bring down. Your father sounds great, and remember - he is there to support you. You perceive that letting your dad know how you feel leaves you open to judgement but in reality he won't judge you - he only wants to help you. You've also said that you've cut off friendships and relationships before because you were afraid they'd fail, and when they did it confirmed your initial doubts. This sounds like a self-defense mechanism kicking in to me. Do you feel like if you keep people at bay and they won't hurt you? You say you're straight because you want to stay under the radar and not invite questions, and I can understand that, but being that afraid of other people's questions and opinions can be a big burden to carry. It's okay to want to keep your personal life private. My only concern is that by keeping everyone out of your personal life, you're also not letting anyone in. It gets lonely! You want love, and honestly why shouldn't you find love? You sound like a great, intelligent and thoughtful guy. My advice to you is to try and open up a little bit more. See if you can break down some of those walls. I know it's really difficult, but I think you need to talk to someone about how you feel, whether it be this guy that you like (go you ), friends, your dad... whoever. I'm not just talking about your sexuality, either. I think if you keep everything bottled up you're not letting other people get a chance to get to know the real you. Anyway, sorry for the ramble, I feel like I give terrible advice sometimes! If nothing else, take this away: you're still young, you're not alone and whatever happens you will be okay. (*hug*)
