So a lot has happened in the past months, and I've realized that I can't actually love a guy the way I would love a girl. I just don't see myself in that position, if you know what I mean. So if you're into guys, you'd know that you wouldn't be able to love a girl the way you could love a guy (if that makes sense). You would love a guy instead, knowing that you'll be much happier that way. But am I thinking too ideal? That the perfect relationship is only with a girl and not a guy? - Music videos that have the guy + girl - Movies that have the guy + girl Is it possible to so focused on the norm that I've blocked out my feelings for guys? Then again, I've never had feelings for guys, ever. It's not something I've thought about because truth be told, I never had feelings for guys. I've always had sexual thoughts about older men, and to be honest it was quite obsessive like I WANT THAT DICK NOW. Porn's a bitch. I've had bromance with a couple of my buddies, where we grab each others asses, flick each other's nipples LOL but as a joke of course. We were all cool with it. What do you guys think? Would love to hear your responses.
Definitely possible, and I imagine you feel discomfort thinking about guys in that way... but.. I feel like you just have a natural preference for girls! Obviously you're capable of being sexually attracted to a male, and with the right emotional connection you'd have a relationship. ...But that sounds less likely to happen with a guy, than with a girl from your post. So; you have that preference for females. I think it's less that you've 'blocked' feelings for men, than that you prefer girls.
So would that mean you have a natural preference for guys? It's always hard to come to terms with myself when norms are involved; it's so much more complicated in that I don't know where I fit in.
Sort of. For me it's not just that I 'prefer' guys to girls, I ONLY like men. For you, you might like girls and boys, but girls more. Maybe a visualization would help; *Ambisexual and bisexual mean the same thing for the purpose of this discussion... You can also try the Kinsey test to see where you fall; Kinsey Scale Test It's old research, but helps to show that sexuality is a spectrum, and might help you to understand your feelings.
Sounds like you could also be bisexual or pansexual, but heteroromantic. Sexually, I like men and woman and non-binary folks (pansexual). BUT I could only ever date/ be with forever someone that identified as male, cis or trans. I just don't "love" girls in a romantic way.
I think it's definitely possible. The idea of what is normal is more powerful than you can really imagine until you start to break free from it. When I was younger I was sexually attracted to both sexes (but much more powerfully to men) but I was only romantically attracted to women. I just couldn't picture anything other than sex with guys. I figured I was bisexual and that it would be easier--and more satisfying (because of the romantic attraction)--to just be with women. I dated quite a bit, even slept around a bit (all with women) and I just kind of left that sexual attraction for men on the shelf as something I did privately. Until I finally let the genie out of the bottle and once I actually started interacting with men in that other way (it actually started with just a kiss) all my attraction to women (both sexually and romantically) evaporated almost over night. I'm gay, not even bi, but societal pressures are just that strong. I've been with my partner for 17 years and couldn't be happier. As far as the ideal I've had numerous straight people, even straight couples, comment on what an ideal relationship we have. I don't want to muddy the waters for you but just point out that the waters may already be muddier than you think. I just imagine what my life would have been like and how many people would have been hurt if that first kiss with a guy had happened after I'd been married for a while...
Thanks for the responses guys. But truth be told, I never really thought about kissing a guy. If I do end up kissing a guy I would be for experimenting, like "let's try it out". @Kakashi yeah that's how I feel right now, that in the long run I can only love a woman because loving a guy just wouldn't feel right. I just wouldn't be able to treat a guy like I would treat a girl because... Guy would end up being my friend and nothing more than that. @OGS my fear is that down the road I'll experience the attraction and then I'll end up filing a divorce because I suddenly realized that "I love guys". But honestly I've never had a crush for a guy. They were always my bros, you know?
Why not go out to some gay clubs and interact with gays to see if there is a draw to them? I've read your other post. From your posts you sound straight maybe with incidental homosexual experience. But, how you spoke in other post you seem to really be confusing fantasy with reality. In one of your post you said you try to be with men and it felt uncomfortable. The question is: did it feel uncomfortable because of society's norm or because you just are not attracted to men in that way? Obviously i can't tell you your sexuality because i am not you. The only way i personally can describe my attraction to someone is because it comes from the heart/soul. The urge to kiss a girl comes from my heart/soul. I want to kiss her it is like a draw. Just like a wonderful smell of stew creates hunger and makes your mouth water. Ask yourself where do your emotions stem for with male vs, female? With men nothing came from anywhere for them. I never had a desire to kiss them or sleep with them when in their presence...no matter how much i loved them as a person...that never turned into those feelings i get for a woman. With men it was like i was following expectation not my heart. I could only see them as a friend as a person. My feelings were logical/from the mind not the heart. Really ask yourself: Where do my emotions and sexual feelings stem from male vs female? If the answer is from the head, i personally would not call that an attraction. What are my crushes/feelings like male vs women? I would write this and compare it. Do i feel comfortable when intimate with male vs. female? If i am uncomfortable with one of the genders, why am i? Even answer these questions if you respond to my post (if comfortable.) so when you are in doubt again you can look at the facts or write it down on a piece of paper.. The answers...and keep it in your wallet. Has your therapist posed any questions to help you figure out your sexuality? Hope this helped!
@seeking Your post contained so much insight. I absolutely agree when you say that I'm confusing fantasy with reality. While gay porn aroused me, participating in it felt weird and awkward. When I speak to a man that I fantasize about the feeling goes away like it was never even there. In retrospect, I never had the attraction towards guy... Despite having this obsession with older men and older men only. In fact, I don't even get crushes with guys, let alone the guys I fantasize about. Emotions tend to fall on girls and girls only. I like making fun of them, and to be honest I like everything about a girl. For guys though, I never felt anything, and I still don't, but this obsession with older men always makes me doubt my sexuality. My therapist and I are still talking about my addiction to porn and how I can step's day from that, and what these attractions to older men. She suggested that these thoughts that I have may be linked to what I want to see in myself. Thanks again form your post, really pointed out some crucial details.
I think you're blocking it out because of the so called "Norm", let me tell you there is no such thing as normal, everyone is unique in their own way. Some men love women, some men love men and some men love both, who you love is who you love. No one can tell what love is or what the perfect relationship is, but i can tell it's finding who you are first, that's where it begins. It may sound hard, but it isn't. Its letting yourself be, forget ideologies, forget what should and should not be, just do what you feel like. One thing i realized was, the moment i let go of all these thought and slowing stopped with "acting" and started "being" myself people loved me more. I made more of the friends that stand to my value and love me not for who i am not what i do in my personal private space of who i decide to have sex with but the quality of being true to myself. A lot of people believe "acting" in a certain way is a way of defensive mechanism, but it isn't, its self harm. You're torturing yourself every single morning you wake up out of that bed, why do that, you're here for a short amount of time in this ageless universe. Why not make something of it and spend most of that energy towards it instead preoccupying it with the meaningless so called norms of society when there is none but the one figmented onto our imaginations. Be yourself, don't fit a stereotype, be your own stereotype. Feel what you want to feel, do want you want to do and most of all love and pursue yourself, because the love of your life is looking back at you in the mirror.
Happy to help. I personally think you are just straight. What you said in your post about men, i could relate. You seem to from this post only like women. I can relate to what you have said. Before i fully accepted my sexuality i would sometimes have fantasies about certain men...in romantic or sexual ways. But, when it could be actualized in reality.....the feelings go away. May i ask when you are in a presence of an older man can you describe actual feelings? Is it like this urge to be close to them and hugged to feel special? I don't have a good father...never had a father. So when i was really coming to terms with my sexuality. I asked myself...what is this need to be loved and cared for by a man. When i figured it out, it wasn't anything romantic. I just wanted a significant man in my life....something i never had. So is this similar to what you are experiencing? Hope to hear from you and very happy my previous post was helpful.
When I'm with a man, it's more like I want to be accepted by them. I'm a sensitive guy and I put a lot of judgement on myself, while I compare myself to other men who have great looks and a girlfrend. You can almost say that I envy their life, even though I know nothing about their life. But like I said, the reality of a relationship with a man doesn't seem possible because I will not be able to develop a real connection with him, despite having this attraction to them. I can imagine the perfect life I have with an older man, but then I realize that it just won't work because I'm not into them for life. I also have a terrible relationship with my father. He always nagged me for not doing this and not doing that, so I kept distancing myself from him. He showed no positive influence in my life other than bitching at me. The part I bolded is exactly what I've been thinking a lot recently. I've pretty much been looked down upon by my father for all my life, and this may be the reason why I seek men that are close to his age (40+) because I've imprinted in my head an ideal image of a father... Also explains why sexual interactions with men in general feel awkward and something that I wouldn't do.
Jax, you've written several posts about how porn has affected you. I'm going to suggest you completely let go of the idea that porn has influenced your sexual orientation because there's absolutely zero evidence that it can. As I said in another thread you had on a similar subject, if porn could influence sexual orientation, the "Pray Away the Gay" folks would be subjecting their patients to hours of straight porn, and it would make them straight. But it doesn't. It sounds to me like you're struggling with a conflict between conscious and unconscious. Orientation is in the unconscious; we can't change it, and it's hardwired, at least by the time you reach your teens, and most studies indicate before birth. What complicates matters is this tug-of-war between conscious and unconscious. If I had a buck for every questioning guy I've talked to who said "But I can't see myself with a guy / I can't see myself kissing a guy / I can't see myself in a relationship with a guy" and, in the same breath "I masturbate to guys and am totally turned on by them"... I'd have a pretty big chunk of change. What happens, in most cases, is there's a fairly strong desire to not be gay that interferes with an objective assessment of what's going on. And that's where the "I can't see myself doing _____________" comes in. It's like that's sort of a last-ditch effort to avoid accepting the "gay" label, and it's a pretty normal part of the bargaining process. My guess is, you totally *will* be able to love a guy the way you love a girl, but right now your unconscious is getting in the way of allowing you to feel that. Of course... that's just a guess based on what you've said. I could be entirely off base, I could be misreading what you've said, or I could just be plain wrong. So you're the only one that can really assess the situation. I offer up the experiences I've had in the hopes that maybe they'll be helpful.
The part i bolded in your response. Sounds like you are just looking to be accepted by a father figure. If when in reality when you act out these fantasies and you don't get turned on acting out these fantasies then you might not actually be attracted to guys. Because, i've had some sexual thoughts about men and when acted out felt unnatural, very uncomfortable, and didn't like being sexually touch by men. I rather just hang with guys and do adventures with them. I am not sure if it is societies norms keeping you from truly expressing these fantasies....that will take some comparing and soul searching. But, i do think you definitely have a thing for women, so if you do really have a sexual attraction to men. You might be bisexual. It will take time to really put the puzzle pieces together. I do recommend writing down all your thought about this and aha moments. So that you can read back and see the facts better. In the end only you truly know your sexuality.
@chip thanks for your responses. You've responded to a lot of my threads and have given me good pointers. I know what you're saying when my conscious and unconscious are pretty much fighting each other. Experiences are what I seemed from the very beginning, ever since registering here. @seeking yeah it really does sound like I'm seeking acceptance from an ideal father figure. I've said this so many times, but if I truly gay (or at the very least bi) then I would have had some feelings towards guys throughout my life, and the truth is that I haven't, and I still don't. I really doubt that societal norms can impact me to the extent where I would not have feelings for guys at all. Thanks for the responses guys, I really appreciate it. If there's anything I've learned at this point, is that being LGBT isn't bad at all, and clearly all my life I've unknowingly believed that being different is bad. I feel much more comfortable around the LGBT community now.
So i am assuming you are leaning on the more confident that you are just straight (or mostly straight). It is good that you have become more open minded/accepting of lgbt community this way. You seem to know you are straight but upset that you look for acceptance/approval from men. I assume maybe in therapy you should focus on loving yourself and being yourself than looking to a father figure to accept you and love you. Think you need to let go of your father. I had to let go of the fact i will never truly have a father and i need to accept that. And that i need to create my own family base on who i truly am. If that make sense. In other words make friends, find the girl that you are willing to go through thick and thin with, and if you decide to have kids have kids. This will be your source of love and closeness and this is a chance to be a better person than your father was to you. Just look for love in your life not for a "father". I hope this post thread has cleared up your sexuality confusion. It seems like you have. If the doubt comes back into your mind present the facts of why you are straight and not gay. (*hug*)
