Hello! I've been lurking for a while, but never got around to actually post anything yet. I'll try to keep this as short as I can! I'm 24, married to a man, and have a 2 1/2 year old. I don't remember exactly how the thought of being Bi or lesbian clicked, but I think it was from hearing all the hype about Orange is the new Black.. It made me want to watch it. This was in July of this year. It intrigued me. I wasn't grossed out by the homosexuality and it kind of made me open my mind a little more. Have I been in total denial this entire time? I always thought it was normal for straight women to love looking at women's bodies: Boobs, hips, faces. I remember checking out girls in high school, but I think it was more of a... damn.. I want her body.. rather than actually wanting to be with her, romantically. My first "crush" was a boy. 2nd grade. But in 3rd grade, I couldn't stop staring at this girl. It was definitely a physical attraction. We soon became best friends up until high school. It never crossed my mind that I might be gay. For 2 or 3 years, our next door neighbors were a lesbian couple. I was probably between 5-7. Again, it never crossed my mind. I thought they were just best friends living together (They were both butch, in their late 30's and they never kissed or did anything romantic in front of us, and my parents never told us anything either).. Oh how naive I was.. I remember thinking how awesome that idea would be, living with my best friends, owning cats and horses... Yeah.. That never happened. Anyways. I was a sporty kid growing up. Small, and very easy to pick on. I was bullied a lot and don't remember any crushes until later in high school. I can't remember how old I was, but my sister and I would go to our babysitter during summer and after school hours. The babysitter had 4 older kids (99% of the time, it was actually the kids babysitting us..) and one of the kid would always play Truth or Dare with us. I hated it. I always chickened out on dares (because they were sexual) and both my sister and Tony (not his real name) would make fun of me. - Some of the dares were french kissing, dry humping, dancing in our underwear, (I never knew at the time this was considered sexual abuse. I also later learned that even though my sister never chickened out, they never did anything under the sheets or in the closet while I was out waiting. They always pretended). This one time though, the dare was to make a lap around the house naked. (my sister and I never did) but Tony did. He had a boner (I had no idea it was a boner at the time) and I remember feeling disgusted and totally grossed out. (Normal reaction for young girls though, right?) We never reported him or told anyone, sadly. I don't know if this affected my view on male genitalia, but even to this day.. Penises still kind of gross me out and HATE giving oral. (Normal sex is good though). Fast forward to 15. I got my first boyfriend. It was kind of random. I wasn't really physically attracted to him, but I still agreed to go on a date, since he was the first to ever ask and I was really nervous. Our dates actually went well. The first kiss didn't feel very special to me, but I think my expectations were too high, thinking it would be magical, euphoric or something. Overtime, I did really fall hard in love with him. 3-ish months into it, I remember one night he fingered me, and it didn't feel good at all. It hurt because I wasn't wet at all, but I still pretended it felt good (I have no idea why) I just didn't enjoy sex at first, until I got a little more used to it. We split after 3 years, because of drugs and trust issues. (that's another story). I also remember there was one lesbian couple in my highschool. They were both butch, and I never really associated with them.. Like.. Oh I don't look like them, so again, the thought of liking women never came across me. For some time I was saying I was asexual (as a joke), not knowing it was actually a thing. (Maybe another sign?) I started masturbating, and my fantasies were always with women. I always felt disgusted and ashamed after, thinking like what the hell is wrong with me, but also still believing it was normal. Women are just nice to look at. Period. Up until now, I had never really obsessed with the idea much, but after discovering OITNB, The L Word, all the awesome and gorgeous YouTubers out there (Rose Ellen Dix, Ally Hills, Kaelyn & Lucy, Arielle, to name a few), it's starting to really hit me. Even a year or two ago, I imagined my husband to be a woman with a strap-on during sex... And was still in denial. The thing is though, I don't know if I could get attached to a woman emotionally. All my friends are mostly guys, and I'm not really attracted to my female friends because they're all mothers or married. Also the fact that I'm married myself, I can't imagine myself with anyone else but him... But secretly wish I had discovered myself at a younger age and experimented more.. It's kind of depressing, but it was my own mistake for getting married and having a baby at such a young age. The other hard thing is, I can't come out to anyone. It would just be weird to come out, 3 years into a marriage - "Oh hey everyone! I'm bi! Or might even be totally gay! I don't know!" Anyways. It's tough. I'm finally feeling like I'm starting to know myself (though I'm still not 100% sure what my sexuality is, and I don't know HOW I can really figure it out).. It still feels like some weight have been lifted off my shoulders, but at the same time I'm feeling a lot of guilt for hiding something behind my partner's back: Should I tell him? Or keep it to myself? Looking forward to your advice! I'm sorry about the wall of text tl;dr: I think I like women, but how do you know for sure while you're in a relationship (married) with a man?
hello and welcome i enjoyed reading your wall of text, as you call it. i found myself nodding in agreement with many parts of what you wrote. i started out thinking i was asexual because of my lack of real attraction to men. being a lesbian still wasnt on the table in my mind at that point. the majority of my close friends are men. i used to feel aroused at seeing some women but thought that was normal... that everyone feels that way. i plastered photos of hot women all over the place, became obsessed with supermodels... never ever had photos of men posted up anywhere. never really joined in with all of the "look at this guy, isnt he hot" convos. those always felt awkward and forced to me. i looked at playboy. i could go on and on. i was not/am not married and have no kids, but as you have probably read there are many here on ec that are or have been. my theory has always been that i had a hard time acknowledging that i was gay because of the societal stigma against it. for me coming out to myself was a chipping away at all of that including the issues surrounding being gay and christian. i am still a christian, but i have altered my views quite a bit from all of the mainstream christian teaching i had received at church over the years. good luck in your journey. i'm certain you will find a lot of affirmation here
I never been married so, i can't help much on that part. But, it is normal to realize someone's beauty. Girls who have no attraction to other girls can looking at girls and be like "damn she is hot." Without being gay. Not every girl who has a sexual attraction to guys like to give oral, some think it is gross. Just like every guy who has attraction to women don't like to go down on women. From your post (personally) i can't relate to anything from your history that screams out sexual attraction to women. They did a study and straight women even fantasies about women. There is a difference between fantasy and reality. I could have sexual dreams of guys, but in reality, I hate being sexually touched by men. I really dislike it and it is uncomfortable. I personally don't think you need to come out to your husband or friends if you are not gonna act out that side of your sexuality. Because I think if you told your husband, "oh i am bisexual." I think he would be more like "so, why are you telling me? Do you want to have an open relationship?" But, i am not married and never been in your situation....so someone here probably could give you better advice on that The thing with that boy when you and your sister was young. Idk his age or you and your sister's age, but if you feel violated you feel violated. I think many children around the same age are curious about each other and sometimes do this. I do agree that i think the guy was weird, very weird in my opinion. Him wanting you all to run around naked sounds like a form of humiliating someone. I also think it is odd he ran around the house naked, maybe he has a fetish where he likes to be humiliated and it showed when he was young. The question i posed to myself when figuring out my sexuality was: How do my crushes differ depending on female vs male? Are they the same? What does a crush actually look like? How do i feel during intimate moments with male vs female? Am i uncomfortable with a male or a female? Or am i comfortable with both? I knew i was gay when 12, but i didn't face it until i was 18. That is when i knew 100% sure that i was gay. Took me 2 years after that to be fully comfortable/accepting of my sexuality. In the end only you yourself can tell what sexuality you are. I hope i help a tad!
Thank you for taking the time to write and share your insight!! I really appreciate it, I totally agree with this too: Our marriage is suffering a bit due to other circumstances right now, but I'm still going to do my best to make it work, especially the fact that we have a son and all. Definitely not the best time to bring up this topic anyway.
The odd thing was everyone knew i was gay even friends i made online. That i never met in person was like to me...yea i felt you were gay at least bisexual. So for all you know (if you conclude that you do like girls more than friends) your friends and husband might have an inkling that you have an attraction to women. I think my ma even knows i am gay. If all my friends online and in real life got that vibe she must know lol.
