I've spent every day, all day for the past 10 years or so trying to convince myself I'm not a lesbian (no offence to anyone). At what point (if ever) does this denial ever end?
Well, when you finally accept you're a lesbian and that's not going to change. You are who you are. So yeah, it's a personal journey. No one can say when the denial will end, it's completely up to you when you stop denying it.
It will end once you start working on acceptance but it will not happen over night . Took me years to accept that I'm a lesbian .
Well, I am 28 yo closeted, self-denied homosexual, but for some reason, about a week ago, I looked for and found this site. I made a few posts, read a ton of stories, and started thinking about how "it will be okay to just be gay". Now I have a couple of online dating sites and am communicating with other guys. Taking it very, very slowly, just trying to make friends for now. It's a very freaky feeling. I feel like I'm in the middle of a transformation. I am by NO means out of "the closet" with anyone, but I think I ended my denial as simply as a flip of a switch. All those years thinking, "how can I make myself like women?" That ended in a split second last week when I said, "oh yeah, I can't". When I think about it, it actually makes me shake from all the adrenaline of finally letting myself be me and not trying to rewire myself. Pretending is a lot of work, and it has gained me a whole lot of nothing. To answer your question: I believe denial ends whenever you decide being gay isn't the end of the world.
it ends when we decide it ends. I spent most of my life in denial. now, I'm not in denial. and I'm still alive!!! and that is what is glorious, that I am still alive to enjoy being free of denial, and the past doesn't matter. glad to have you with us, Squirell. And now the healing can begin.
Thanks everyone. There's just always a part of me that says "no you're not a lesbian". I know I like girls and I'm (moderately) ok with that (I'd be boring otherwise lol and not me). I also know I like guys, but not sure if I like them enough to be bisexual and that's the main issue.
At least in part it ended for me as my fear diminished about coming out. I had to put it in perspective that it would be a lot easier for me to come out than many people on this planet. I had comparatively little to fear. There is SO much support where I live that it almost seems silly to have much fear. It was embedded in my psyche that I would never be accepted as gay. Since I first realized that I REALLY liked women (around puberty) things have changed tremendously.
That's interesting to think about. I've told most of my friends and family that I think I might be gay and if anyone asks I'm up front about it, but maybe I do have some fear somewhere that I won't be accepted.
I have used the exact same thought as an excuse to not come out all these years. I think what I'm realizing is, "could I have sex with a woman and at least somewhat enjoy it? Sure, I mean sex with another human being, regardless of gender, would have to be enjoyable." But I'm overall attracted to men, not just because of sex. And I can't imagine enjoying the sex as much as sex with men. It's not that I find women repulsive; some I find quite cute and attractive. There's just some other strong feeling deep down that points toward the same-sex. I imagine that straight men/women find members of their own gender attractive without being gay/bi. You have to know what's attractive in order to attract the opposite sex. Think about the fashion industry in general. People say "Hey, I like how that guy/girl looks in that magazine with that clothing/jewelry/etc, so I'm going to buy some of that for myself." Many guys go to the gym because they've said, "I want to have my own rock hard abs to look like this guy." Knowing what looks good on a person and being gay/bi are two different things.
Yep, this. Accepting who you are is who you are, and then deciding to live like you want. Less pretending, less negative stress, whole new stress (how do I approach same sex, etc...) but that's better then the denial of who you are...
me too! just one day, I looked at myself in the mirror, and said, "I'm gay." Wow, the waves of relief and recognition that washed over me in that moment. And yes, that was just the very first step in what for me seems to be a long journey. But like with you, Arken1, it was a decision, a moment, a recognition of an existing reality. And from that moment, nothing else will ever be the same again. Thank God! (!)
It's just all very confusing and even more discouraging that I've been thinking about it for so long. Not only denial but also actively questioning, even experimenting. I've kissed probably about 30 girls and 30 guys (maybe more -I used to drink a lot) and have slept with 5 guys and 3 girls and I'm still not sure! How messed up is that?
Sounds like you're bi, assuming you enjoyed both men and women. Did you feel better being with women than men? All else equal, I'd say whoever you fall in love with, don't worry about their gender
I've always felt incredibly uncomfortable being with women. Almost to the point of crying sometimes. Though lately I've thought that maybe that was just me being turned on by them. I've always considered myself to be indifferent to hooking up with anyone really but considering I initiate it fairly often (particularly if I'm drinking) perhaps that's the case. I've always been turned on by the idea of being with a women more than a man though but maybe that's because it's forbidden?
Okay, the number of people you slept with does not really matter. Whether or not you enjoyed it that may make it more debatable but not necessarily. As much as I love vagina I realize that well I am freaking boy crazy. I mean seriously they are just so adorable and I think I can put up with them having winkies if they understand my back door is off limits(but my mouth isn't). And what can I say women are nice too. Overall sexuality is more about physical attraction.
early on, I might have the numbers to be close enough one way or the other to be confusing, or to justify my thinking that I was really gay. but it didn't take that much time, on the scale of the number of years of life, for a clear pattern to emerge, and finally to realize on which side of the divide I lay. I certainly tended (and tend) to overthink it, but the pattern of life will provide its own answers.
