This is going to be a long post so please bear with me, but for now I will give a brief summary of what this is all about: I have identified myself as gay for the last 6 years or so, and have exclusively been dating men, but I'm starting to think I may be attracted to women after all, and now I dont know what to do. Okay, so here is a little more background: Growing up as a kid I never had "crushes" on guys...like some gay guys say they knew they were gay when they were like 5. That wasn't me. I had crushes on girl classmates, female celebrities, I even "dated" a few girls in middle school and early high school even though none of those really counted as girlfriends. But I never really had any attractions to guys. It wasnt til sophmore year of high school that I started developing crushes on guys. And not only that but I would get aroused just at the thought of doing stuff with a guy. It scared me and freaked me out and I didnt know what it meant, so for the rest of high school I just kind of ignored it and kept pursuing girls. I definitely did still have attractions to girls then, and wanted a relationship with one, but I knew at that point my physical attraction to guys was much much stronger. College came along and this is when things started getting very confusing to me. Not only did my physical attraction to guys become stronger but I was also becoming romantically/emotionally attracted to them. There was one guy in particular at my college who was gay and I had a huge crush on, and imagined myself dating him and being with him romantically. I never pursued anything with him because I was too afraid and unsure of my sexuality, but at this point I no longer pursued women because my attraction to them faded away almost completely. My attraction to guys was too overwhelming. I tried having sex with a girl once in college (my first time ever doing so) but I wasnt able to get it up at all. It might have been partly because I was really drunk, but I also remember not feeling that into it at all. Eventually I gave in and convinced myself I was gay, and began coming out to family and friends. It took me a long time to come to terms with it, but I finally felt comfortable to act on my sexual attractions to guys, and I even began dating guys. Just recently I was in a relationship with a guy which lasted almost a year. Turns out he cheated on me and lied to me for basically our whole relationship, but at the time I really enjoyed being in a relationship with a guy. I dont think I was ever "in love" with him but I was damn close to feeling that way. Anyway, after breaking up with my ex, I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I really want in life. The fact that my ex cheated (with multiple people) and totally lied to me about it, first of all, really made me worried. I am not at all the type to sleep around with random people and I especially would never cheat and lie to someone I'm dating. Based on my experiences, from all the gay guys I have met over the past few years, this happens a LOT in the gay community. I know it doesnt happen with everyone, but it scares me how often gay guys will be in relationships yet cheat on their partners. Aside from that I have also been thinking a lot about how much I want kids of my own, and want a family. I know this is still possible to do as a gay man but it is obviously much more difficult and more of a drawn out process. There is always adoption but I've always wanted biological kids of my own. All these things have had me suddenly picturing myself trying to start dating women again. Honestly I do still have attractions to women - it's obviously not nearly as strong of attractions as I have to guys, but I still find myself checking out women sometimes, and am not at all repulsed by the idea of having sex with a woman. (That one time in college doesnt really count in my opinion because I hardly knew her, I was drunk, I was nervous/pressured, etc.) I have even recently started looking at straight porn and have realized I do find it hot. I'm just wondering if this means I could possibly be bi. My same sex attractions I dont think will ever go away, but I'm also very afraid to enter into another relationship with a guy. Obviously, if the right guy comes along who shares the same values as me, then thats great. But after spending a few years dating in the gay world I've come to realize there are so many gay guys out there who are not at all like me, and I think a woman could possibly make me happier in life. Maybe not so much sexually, but in terms of the love, companionship, and obviously the opportunity to start a family, I think that's something I really want most of all in life. Sorry for the long winded post, but basically here is my question: Am I possibly bi? Or am I just still licking my wounds from this bad break up which is why I'm kind of turned off by guys at the moment? Again, I know I will always be attracted to guys, but I also dont think its impossible for me to be attracted to and love a woman as well.
This seems like one of those situations where you're really the only one who could decide. From a purely technical point of view, yeah, you ARE attracted to women, so you're bi. But it's really about what you want to consider yourself. And considering that you're asking us, it doesn't seem like you actually care all that much! If I were you I'd just stop worrying about it.
Well to me it looks like you have a strong sexual preference for guys. Whether you actually have a possible sexual attraction to women remains to be determined. It sounds like you have some kind of attraction to women, but it might be mostly emotional or not as strong sexually as it is with guys, if it is sexual. To be honest to me it looks like you are going through a hard time because of your breakup and I would be cautious in jumping to any rash conclusions about your sexuality. It could indeed be that you have some bisexual capacity in you but trying to 'push it' with women because your trust in guys is eroded is probably not the best way of approaching both your heat-ache and your sexual orientation. To me it sounds like you want to be bi to not be gay tbh. It might not be true: you might really have a capacity for a satisfying relationship with a woman, only you can figure it out, but this is how your post come across. I'd say you need to take time off to heal from that relationship for a while. Afterwards give yourself some space to explore dating with women, if you want to give it a go, but I would advise caution: sexuality is not just what we do in bed: it strangely is also how we connect to the world. If you are gay, even with some bi-capacity you will soon start feeling false and unhappy in a relationships with a woman, regardless how much other happiness she gives you. As a gay woman who has had the capacity to engage in sex with men and who assumed this means I am 'bi', I can tell you that: 1) not being repelled by the opposite sex sexually, does not always imply that you are sexually attracted to them 2) crawling back into the safety of the possibly of being in an opposite-sex relationship was another bout of denial I've dished out to myself. Denying my true self eroded my sense of self in the long term & I suffered depression, so I don't recommend it. Ask yourself a question: if you did not have that horrible experience with the guy, would you still consider being attracted to women, or you would you just stick with dating guys?
Its a tough question to answer. Like I said there has always been SOME attraction to women for me. Even when I was dating my ex bf, there would be times when I would see an attractive girl and find myself checking her out. And every now and then I do picture myself with a wife and kids and see myself happy in that scenario. But then again that all might just be in my head and who knows, maybe if I were to actually date a girl and get serious with her I would fall into that depression like you mentioned. Again its hard for me to know exactly what my level of attraction is to women because I've never been in a serious relationship with one or even seriously had sex with one (again aside from that one time in college, which meant nothing to me....for me, in order to enjoy sex, I need to have some kind of emotional/personal connection to them first, even if it's a guy). If I didnt have that bad experience with my ex, I have a feeling I probably wouldnt be seriously considering this right now....mostly because I would probably still be in the happy relationship with my ex. But I dont know, I guess the idea of dating a woman is just another option I feel like is open to me now. I just would not want to date a woman and get serious with her and then find myself just lying to myself and not truly being attracted to her...I wouldnt want to break her heart like that and deceive her like how I was deceived in my last relationship...
The point with being bi....at least from my perspective is that simply.....you can fall in love with either gender.... Now... it does not mean that bi people are predators as many would think..... In my case...Im bi...never had a problem with it......mostly attratacted to women but I have also fallen in love with guys as well...I remember falling in love with a classmate of mine when I was just 11..... Not that Im on the prowl all the time....but I have met wonderful guys....unfortunately...not all the time you can be as open with people about this.....but its life....being bi is not confusion or malfunction at all....its part of who you are.... You were born that way....that it came later on in life...it happens...but there is nothing wrong with you...just give yourself time and ask questions to yourself.... Itll become clear in time...
