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I'm Very Confused About My Sexuality

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ConfusedAF, Nov 25, 2014.

  1. ConfusedAF

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    Hey everybody, I'm new to the site and wanted to post this to get some insight about my orientation.

    First off, I'm a 20 year old male. All my life, I had always had crushes on girls, fantasized about girls, and have wanted to have a girlfriend. I've never, at any point, had a crush on a guy, and I've only ever masturbated to a guy once, when I was about 12. I've always dreamt about girls. I also find it worth mentioning that I have never been into porn, at all. All of my sexual fantasizing and masturbation has been to images or girls I knew, including the girls I had crushes on. To be honest, porn is borderline gross to me. All of it: gay, straight, and lesbian. I just get grossed out by the fluids, and I also just don't find the people very attractive.

    I also want to say that I've been friends with gay guys in the past. I've also had very close male friends, and have even kissed several of them, but it was always as a joke. I've never felt anything from it, it was just funny and at the time I was honestly confident enough with my orientation to do it without feeling confused. I can assure all of you I didn't get physically aroused at all from this. However, all it has taken for me to be physically aroused by girls was having them within touching distance of myself.

    I never had much luck with girls (I have pretty serious issues with social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, and OCD). I have had 2 relationships however, but neither has been particularly satisfying. In both, I didn't really like them before hand, and so when we ended up getting together, I knew from the first kiss that I wasn't really interested. However, I stayed with both of them after that. In the end neither lasted very long. I always wished I was with someone I found more attractive while I was with them.

    And now the most important stuff: For the last 6 months, I have been totally confused. One day, I was looking at one of my male friends, and wondered "Am I gay?" Just out of nowhere. Since then, I have been constantly obsessing about whether or not I am gay. I still can't get hard around a man, any attempt at being aroused leaves me feeling indifferent. The problem is in how I now feel about women. Since this has started, I get very anxious when fantasizing about women. I can still get an erection every now and then, but the desire for a woman seems to be gone. I still check women out while walking down the street, and any attempt to look at men leaves me feeling disinterested, but this anxiety when thinking about being with a woman just makes me think I don't want that anymore. It's really confusing and I'm quickly becoming depressed. Any insight into this issue would be very appreciated.
     
  2. ScrambledBrain

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    This really sounds like a severe case of OCD.

    I don't think you are homosexual. Even if have the occasional homosexual feeling, it looks like you're more hetero than homo.

    Especially because you have had history with OCD. I suffer myself from OCD, it's just one of the worst mental illnesses one can have. You're always worrying about absurd shit and the doubt makes you go crazy.

    Am I gay? Am I transgender? Am I into kids?
    You really have to know that you will never know the answer, thus you can never know for sure. But nobody really can know for sure. The doubt will always be there.
    Just accept the fact that EVEN if you were gay, that it would be nothing to worry about.
    Once you understand that it's completely important... you will find inner peace again
     
  3. ConfusedAF

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    Thanks for your input! Yeah, I've been on a lot of forums for HOCD (Not condoning that it's its own disease, just a term in the OCD community to help posts related to the obsession), and I've been told it's what I have. I wanted to come here and see what people would say though, because it seems like people on HOCD forums will tell you anything is HOCD. But I still have a problem: In all the posts I've read, expressing what the symptoms are and what differentiates a gay person from someone with an obsession, they said that they still feel attracted to the opposite sex, but doubt it because they don't get aroused. However, I can still get aroused from time to time, but it seems that my desire to actually be with a woman is gone. I try to imagine myself doing things with a woman, and I get this spike of anxiety and I don't feel happy with the thoughts. Whereas when I think of being with a guy, I feel kinda relieved (Until I try to think about it when my anxiety is low, then it just feels wrong). It's almost like admitting to myself that I'm gay is an anxiety reliever, but I can't tell if that's the case or if I am calm because I enjoy the thoughts. (Finally, I think it's also worth stating that the thoughts of being with a guy give no physical arousal, just a feeling of relief when I'm anxious)
     
  4. Ditz

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    Nope, you sound 100% straight to me! If you where gay or bi you would be physically attracted to guys which you're clearly not.
     
  5. Chip

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    Hi,

    I don't see anything that remotely indicates anything other than totally heterosexual attraction.

    Given the history you've described of other OCD-related behavior, and the experiences you've described, I think it's pretty likely this is something correlated to the OCD patterns rather than a genuine concern.

    You might want to check out the book "brain lock" by Jeffrey Levine MD, which focuses on practical strategies for dealing with OCD. Dr. Levine has developed probably the most effective means of dealing with OCD, and I think it might help you.
     
  6. NewAndrea

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    Could be that due to your first attempts at relationships with girls going not how you maybe expected them to, that you've become so anxious enough about it that you mind is just telling you that you might be gay as a stress releiver. odd as that may sound. If ever faced with an actual homosexual experience you could find yourself utterly unattractted.
     
  7. ConfusedAF

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    Thanks everyone for the responses!

    After some more reflection, I've realized some things I would like to ask about, however.

    First, in the past, when I would masturbate, I would masturbate to the body of the woman. However, when I would think about actually kissing or doing things with her, I would usually feel kinda uncomfortable with it... Its kinda hard to explain it. Is that an indicator that I didn't actually want to do anything with her and was just attracted to her physical features, or was it just me being nervous about doing those things?

    Secondly: I said before that I had never had any crushes on a guy. But looking back, for the past couple of years, I've at times had some sort of feelings for some guys. I don't THINK they were crushes, because every crush I've ever had on a girl was, like, a hundred times stronger... but it was still weird. These feelings were totally non-sexual. And it was after I started going to college, so I was meeting a bunch of new people... Maybe it was just nerves about meeting new people? I have a theory that, since I have OCD, it might have been a bit of a buildup to the serious anxiety I feel about my sexuality now. Like, I remember at different times I've been afraid, like, "What if I'm just lying to myself about being straight? What if I'm gay in the future?" so the uncertainty was always kinda there... And so, I think with the anxiety of meeting new people, I kept asking myself "Do I like him?" and that just made me anxious. And I just didn't really consciously process what I was doing until now. People who have OCD with these obsessions talk about having fake crushes from the anxiety, so I feel pretty confident that this is what it was, considering I feel nothing when I think of them now, and I didn't even feel this unless I was engaging in conversation with them, and I didn't fantasize about them. But I'd still like an opinion of this. Because my mind keeps trying to say that they mean something, but I try to think of them romantically or sexually and just feel NOTHING. My mind seems to be playing games. I keep thinking about it because I don't want to let it go and risk hiding from myself. It sucks.
     
  8. curryander

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    Hey, just a person weighing in.

    It sounds to me like you are completely into women, and it is your OCD that is making you question things. Your feelings for guys, from what you've described, are entirely platonic. If you can't picture yourself with a dude, in any way other than a friend, then you are straight. So look back at what you've posted and just let that sink in. As for your discomfort with picturing women, I wouldn't worry about it. I can't tell you what that is, not without you going into more detail, but for me, it's hard to imagine having sex with someone who I'm not already intimate with. So it could be just that.

    Anyway, I hope this was useful and that you seek help for your OCD. Good luck!
     
  9. Jax12

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    The problem with fantasizing about who you'll end up with is that it poses the same confusion as porn in that you are the one in control. That's why many people are confused because a guy may think "I find the male body attractive, but I could never love a guy!"

    I've found that past crushes and where your feelings for someone lie are the best indicators for your orientation, especially for those who are confused. I basically based my orientation of excessive porn usage, and that screwed up my brain.
     
  10. ConfusedAF

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    Thank you all for your responses! To be completely honest though, I'm pretty certain I'm gay. Let me explain:

    I've always masturbated to girls, like, too much. I think it's a fetish of sorts, because I could only picture their bodies, not actually DOING anything to their bodies. When I think of doing something with a girl, I feel uncomfortable. I can get aroused, but I don't really like it much. Whereas when I think of doing things with a guy... well, lets just say I can picture it a lot easier. I don't get physically aroused, but I don't feel uncomfortable with it like I do when I picture myself with a girl. I can't masturbate to men no matter how hard I try, but I think it might be because I'm just so used to doing it with women. I have a feeling that if I stop masturbating to thoughts of women, eventually I will start to be aroused by men.

    I don't know. I could be wrong. I've still never felt any of these feelings in real life, for any actual guys. But even though I've had crushes on girls, I can't picture myself actually doing anything with them without it feeling kinda wrong. Any further input would be helpful, but I think I've pretty much made up my mind. I actually feel pretty ok with this. I'll see how I feel over the next few days though, maybe this will change again. I'm really not sure.
     
  11. Ditz

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    Hi ConfusedAF

    Sexual attraction goes hand in hand with sexual arousal. You can't be sexually attracted to someone and not feel sexually aroused.

    My point is if you where gay or even bi you would be sexually attracted to guys you find attractive. When you see a guy you are sexually attracted to your hormones will start to flow and you'll get turned on... you'll know you're turned on by the hard-on in your pants.

    Does looking at a picture of a naked, sexy guy turn you on, as in do you feel yourself getting horny when you see it? Likewise, does the idea of receiving or giving oral sex to a guy turn you on and make you hard? How about kissing and caressing a guy, is that a turn on for you, does the idea make you horny?

    My guess is probably not and the reason for that is your sexual orientation is straight...

    The worries that you have over doing things with girls have more to do with anxiety than anything else. It's an area you're not comfortable with because maybe you still lack experience and confidence when it comes to girls. The good news is that can be overcome and you can work trough it. A therapist could help you with it if you're open to the idea of seeing one.

    I'm sorry to have to inform you that you will not be able to magically turn gay if you're not... It doesn't work that way and if you haven't had sexual attractions to guys in the past you're probably never going to develop them in the future.

    The feelings you talked about having for guys is called male bonding. It's totally normal for straight guys to have a bond with each other and it is 100% non sexual. It's a strong bond that borders on brotherly love and you see it in sports teams, the military, school friends etc. It is something most guys have with their close buddies and as I said before, totally normal to have.

    I truly think you're over thinking things. Everything you've mentioned above points to you being 100% straight.
     
  12. ConfusedAF

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    Ditz: Yep... I'm pretty sure you're right... I don't think I'm gay now, I think that "admitting it" is just me putting my obsessive thoughts to rest, and allowing me a short period of calm. I just think I have some issues that need to be worked on. I have a therapist already, I haven't seen him in a while because I've been really busy with college. But the day I get back home for winter break I plan on seeing him. Thank you for your input, I really take comfort in the fact that I'm getting advice from someone who is bi.
     
  13. Ditz

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    It's my pleasure... If you ever need to talk we're here for you.