Okay, so I've already posted about this and people gave me the advice of just hanging around and seeing what happens, this happens to be brilliant advice, but I am impatient. You see I wanted to know: What is my orientation?and of course, there is only so much I can convey through a post so noone could really tell me. So now I want to know: How do I know if I am in denial? My thoughts completely differ and are a complete mess, along with my feelings. I could be lesbian, completely in denial and have forced faked feelings and thoughts upon myself in an effort to convince myself I was sraight (after all, my entire town seemed homophobic) and have had crushes on boys (I actually did once force a crush upon myself, because everyone else had one, but otherwise.... I'm not sure.) I could be bisexual and all the thoughts I have had are completely true (which implys that the fake crush was true, when it was infact not) I could be pansexual and all the thoughts I had are completely true (see brackets above) but I love people not their gender and have been thinking about this the wrong way. I could be straight (yet ultra confused) and the thoughts and feelings I've had are me trying to be different from everybody else (?) and that relating to peoples stories on EC is merely empathy. I could be asexual, creating all the thoughts and feelings and confusion to sink me in deep, deep denial. Of course I've tried simply not thinking about it but, as said, I'm impatient. Right now I'm thinking pansexual or asexual. But there is a loop running in my head like a scratching cd. And I can't tell if I'm lying to myself. So know I want to know: How do I know if I am lying to myself.
I haven't read your other post, but if the crush was, in fact, fake, and all the other ones didn't feel quite right or just weren't exciting, you're most likely lesbian, or at least homoromantic. I'm going through something similar (although my town is super liberal but not completely accepting of LGBTQ) and it took me a long time to stop quelling my feelings for girls. Right now I'm just accepting what I think and allowing myself to imagine relationships with girls, because that's what's most attractive to me at this point. I think being open with yourself and just letting you feel what you feel and think what you think is what will really help you. If you're subconsciously shutting down lesbian thoughts, maybe coax them out by making yourself imagine a relationship with a girl. Does it feel right? Better than being with a guy? Are you happy? Can you see yourselves holding hands, hugging, kissing? (That last one was scary for me to think about!) For me, I didn't want to ask myself these questions, much less think about them. I finally got so impatient that I just went with it and decided that not thinking about it won't change my sexuality, so why not? Hope this helps! I'll be looking at this thread to see if other replies will help me out, too...
