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Sure I was straight until 'gay epiphany'. Very confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Confuseddude, Nov 25, 2014.

  1. Confuseddude

    Regular Member

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    Sorry about the length of this post. I have a lot on my mind and once I started writing this I found I couldn't really stop. I'm a confused dude looking for general opinions and thoughts on my story........

    My first album was by a pop artist named Billie, I was about 10. I wanted the album just so I could look at the beautiful picture of Billy on the front cover.
    I remember loving the film Titanic just so that I could see a sneak peak of Kate Winslet's boobs :slight_smile:
    I remember when I was very young I used to find my mothers clothes catalogues so that I could look at the lingerie models and rub my penis against my mattress (as I was too young to masturbate)
    I fantasised about girls I know and celebrities for years. I dreamt of a relationship with many of them and had several crushes however unlike my friends, I went through school/college having no real sexual experiences with girls. Im a decent looking bloke but it just never worked out. I had a couple of girlfriends when I was in my mid teens but never did anything more than kiss them and generally felt awkward whenever I was with them.
    Aged 16 or so I discovered porn and essentially went through 6 years of porn and marajuana addiction. Straight porn. But Aged 18 I discovered that I liked to insert things into my anus whilst watching porn. Still watched strait porn but I focussed a lot on the men (almost exclusively the penis) as well as the women.

    Ive always considered myself completely straight, which is somewhat ridiculous given my masturbation habits but thats the way it was. Age 23, trying very hard to give up porn, I had an epiphany. IM GAY?!?! I freaked the f**k out for a couple of days and then my emotions levelled out somewhat.

    2 months later and I'm more confused than ever. Am i gay, straight bisexual? I only ever notice hot women in the street, and only picture myself with women. Only in the last few months have I looked at guys and it's more a case of 'do I find him attractive?' I still frequently fall for girls I know but whilst I look decent and have a good job etc, I'm hopeless around women. As soon as there is a hint of any kind of sexual attraction I become Awkward as can be.

    I've had a naked women in bed on 8 occasions in my life. Every time i've been very drunk but thats still no reason for the fact that on 8 occasions I have failed to even get semi erect.....no health problems, I become very easily erect whilst watching porn. Fr those of you not familiar with pornography addiction, it offers a complex and logical reason for this based around desensitization (multiple hours of extreme porn viewing for years has to have effects)

    Over the last couple of months I've gone back and forth. At one stage I essentially decided I was gay....an important process because During that time I came to accept that. Truthfully I don't want that to be true. Don't have anything against being gay but Over 23 years I've built up an identity. It's the way I identify myself and the way my friends and family identify me. If I'm gay then a lot will change and there will be soe tough times to deal with. Fortunately we live in a day and age where homosexuality is nothing to be ashamed of. Living in London, I have the benefit of living in a forward thinking modern city, I have very cool parents and whilst the thought of coming out to them is of course daunting I am very fortunate to be able to say with complete certainty that they would be fine. It's these thoughts that helped me realise that it's not the end of the world if I'm gay......that being said, I still hope I'm not.

    I don't have a real question to ask and I know that nobody can tell me whether I'm straight or gay, but you can speculate. You can tell me about your own experiences. i'm just generally looking for any thoughts or opinions whatsoever :slight_smile:

    Sorry for the length of my post...,,thanks for reading.
     
  2. Justinian20

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    Hey mate I don't think you are gay as such. You see I am gay and I can tell from feelings I have towards men and the way I look at guys, I stare deeply into their eyes and I feel like I want them to be close to me. It pretty much established me as the weird guy at high school, I've stopped doing this mainly because I assume most men are straight, but I do stare at guys still but I'm a bit sneakier when they make eye contact nowadays. I always watch them from the corner of my eye, because I find them sexy. (That's just cause I didn't want to be seen as the weird guy).

    For you, you are very much attracted to women as you have the feelings for women and I personally think you are not gay. I am not attracted to any women even naked women, I could look at a naked woman for incredibly long time and not feel anything at all. It may be porn which affected you to think that you are gay.
     
  3. mangotree

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    Hi Confuseddude,

    Hypothetical scenario.

    Let's just pretend that you decide that you're bisexual (you're romatically and sexually attracted to both men and women equally).

    You're bisexual and then someone told you that you had to "choose" one gender to love and have sex with for the rest of your life and never be able to touch the other - which one would you choose? Male or Female?
     
  4. Spartan 117

    Admin Team Full Member

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    Out to everyone
    Hi there! :slight_smile: Sexuality is such a broad spectrum, and you could fall anywhere on that spectrum.

    However, I will say that nothing in your post makes me immediately jump to the conclusion that you're gay or bisexual. Enjoying anal stimulation doesn't make you gay, straight men also enjoy it. Your lack of sexual experience with women in the past isn't an indicator your gay, and there could be many psychological reasons about why you couldn't get aroused when with a woman. Despite what you say, the alcohol could be a factor in that too!

    I guess what you should really ask yourself is: are you attracted to men on an emotional/romantic level? Are you attracted to them sexually (independent of women in 'straight' porn)?

    These are the usual 'alarm bells' for bisexual or gay sexuality, but as you no doubt know: sexuality is complicated, and nobody can tell you how you feel. Don't panic - whatever happens, you will be okay!