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Demisexual?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Brennana Bread, Nov 25, 2014.

  1. I finally decided to take up the demisexual label. There's really no need for me to identify as demisexual, but it's still interesting to think about and share with others. It can also help raise awareness on just how intricate and varying the sexual identify spectrum can be. Here are some reasons why I see myself as demisexual. Maybe this can help someone who is struggling with asexuality or demisexuality specifically.


    1. I don't understand the concept of crushes. I have only had one "crush" in my life and don't see how other people can become infatuated so easily. My crush was my high school best friend.

    2. I idolize celebrities or characters because I like them as people, not because I am sexually attracted to them.

    3. Love doesn't come easy to me. I either don't feel it at all, or I become so emotionally bonded to someone that it reaches a level of insanity.

    4. I have only felt emotionally and sexually bonded to two people. One is my current girlfriend.

    5. When I am in love with someone, I feel absolutely nothing for anyone else. I am 100% committed.

    6. When I have sex with someone I don't love, I try to enjoy the sex, not the person. It's never a great experience for me.

    7. The idea of a one-night stand disgusts me.

    8. When I have sex with someone I do love, I'm at my most vulnerable. I get completely lost in the other person and it's wonderful.

    9. Beautiful women are aesthetically pleasing to me, but I am still not sexually attracted to them.

    10. I've never fallen in love with someone for their looks, and I've never really felt lust.

    11. The best part about sex is the emotional bonding that happens between two people who love each other. I have sex with my girlfriend to feel that emotional bond, not just to feel good. An intense make out session can do just as much for me as sex.


    There are probably more, but I can't think of them at the moment. Feel free to leave comments. I'm wondering if there are any other demisexuals out there! (!)
     
  2. elliot96

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    I cannot personally relate, but my girlfriend is a demisexual and we've been dating for two years now. I'm wondering if my experience would be at all useful.
     
  3. Any experience is always useful. :slight_smile:
     
  4. elliot96

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    My girlfriend had never experienced sexual attraction or any kind of crush before me, and I know this because we've spoken about it and have been friends for 5 years prior to falling in love. I was her first kiss, first crush, first shag, everything.

    She idolizes celebrities also, and finds them attractive but whenever I ask her if she'd sleep with them it's always a firm 'no'. Not because of us, but just because that really doesn't appeal to her at all. She has never experienced sexual intimacy with somebody other than me, and the idea of a one-night stand disgusts her also.

    The problem she's been having recently is that she's unsure as to whether or not she feels sexual attraction at all. She enjoys sex, but she feels uncomfortable giving or initiating.
     
  5. Chip

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    I absolutely support the choice (and the right) of anyone to choose any identification that connects with them.

    At the same time, I think it's really important to discuss these sorts of issues... after all, if a given identity can't withstand some reasoned discussion and critical analysis, then there really isn't much basis to go on when considering it. Discussing and critically evaluating something doesn't invalidate it, but instead allows those who are exploring themselves to consider other possibilities, allowing them greater latitude in identifying what really fits with their experiences.

    My biggest issue with demisexuality is that many of the experiences used to describe it are common experiences for many, many people that identify with a more conventional label. The experiences that are less commonly described by most people are very, very common with various types of emotional numbing or dissociation. So my concern is that, if this label were ever to reach any sort of mainstream acceptance (which it has not, in large part because of these issues) it could really muddy the waters and discourage people from looking at other issues that could be going on for them.

    There are many, many people who idolize celebrities, athletes, musicians, famous people not for their appearance or sexual attractiveness but because of who they are and what they do. This isn't even remotely an uncommon experience, and the overwhelming majority of these people don't identify as demisexual

    There are likewise many, many people that don't have crushes, or feel the "I'd hit it" mentality that some people describe, but instead connect to people because they feel an emotional bond.

    And there are certainly many people for whom sex is not a primary part of a relationship, who don't do hookups, who see no value in casual sex.

    For those who feel little to no sexual attraction, there are very often, according to the research in these areas, co-factors present, such as anxiety, depression, or flat affect (a lack of emotional expression). All of these mental health issues can commonly have, as side effects, decreased sexual drive/attraction, inhibited emotional closeness, and various other factors that are remarkably similar to many of the traits associated with demisexuality.

    Does this mean that demisexuality doesn't exist, or that it is actually a mental condition? No. There are certainly people who are biologically wired to have all of the attributes of someone who is demisexual, but without any of the mental health co-factors commonly found. And yet, the literature that exists (which is admittedly skimpy) seems to indicate an enormously high correlation between these things.

    Since we know that these (and other) mental health conditions that give rise to many of the traits associated with demisexuality can be effectively treated, it makes sense to first examine and rule out the possibility of mental health issues before making an identification of demisexuality (the same applies to asexuality) and simply saying "This is who I am and it can't be changed."

    For those who have already identified with the label and are comfortable with it... I'm certainly not suggesting that the label is invalid or doesn't exist, and if you are happy with that label, then more power to you. For those who are questioning or wondering... it certainly makes sense to consider options before simply accepting something as unchangeable that may well be a relatively simple issue that can be addressed and resolved.

    Clearly more research in the area is necessary. We have enough data from those who work with these populations on a day-to-day basis and from the limited research that exists to know that a significant portion of those who identify as demisexual or asexual are likely not actually hardwired to those conditions. What would be helpful is to better know how often the issue is hardwired vs. conditioned, so as to provide the best information and options to those seeking to best understand themselves.
     
  6. elliot96

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    I... agree completely.

    My girlfriend has other problems such as depression and the inability to become close to another person emotionally, and we're in the process of figuring out what is a problem and what is truly her. It's a very delicate procedure.

    Very well said :eusa_clap
     
  7. Really

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    This is very interesting to me. Whenever this term comes up, I think that this is possibly the adjective for me. But as I continue to live with these new gay "ideas" in my head, I'm starting to think that it's probably more the case that, not having been operating in my "natural habitat", demisexual simply describes the state I've been in.

    I do need a while to get to know someone, to see if I even like them as a person but have noticed that once I learn someone is a lesbian, I begin to think, "Hmmm, let's see, do I think she's kind of nice?" Straight girls simply don't do it for me.
     
  8. Fallingdown7

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    I prefer to think of demisexuality as the gray area between being sexual and asexual, however one defines it. I know for me, it's sometimes necessary to have a new label. Calling myself asexual makes me feel like a liar since I have been sexually attracted to people before, but calling myself sexual also feels the same since I don't relate to 99% of sexual people. AT ALL.
     
  9. @Chip: The true giveaway for me has been my own struggle with asexuality. I've often wondered if I was asexual because I never had the feelings toward men, women, or sex that most other people had. There were times when I felt like my life would be content without ever having a partner or a sexual relationship. It's when I find that strong emotional connection with someone that my asexuality goes out the window.

    When I'm single, I feel asexual. When I'm in a relationship with someone I don't have that connection with, I feel asexual. With my current girlfriend who I love very much, I feel like a lesbian.

    It seems to be an appropriate label for me. But at the end of the day, labels are just labels. I suppose it doesn't really matter except for the reasons I listed on my first post.

    @Fallingdown7: I feel the same. I'm definitely not asexual since I can obviously have an amazing, sexual relationship with the right person, but I'm not a sexual person by any means. I feel no attraction toward anyone until that feeling clicks in me.
     
  10. Quem

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    I identify as demisexual, because I'm not sexually attracted to anyone, unless I know them. Watching porn for me takes effort to get in the mood. It is possible, but I need a good story or more.

    I know I'm able to be attracted to someone, because I really am attracted (both ways) to my boyfriend, a lot. =)

    The whole liking celebrities as people and such has (as far as I know) nothing to do with demisexuality. Demisexuality means being able to feel attractiong to someone, only when you developed a (strong) bond with that person. :icon_bigg