Ok, I'm coming to terms that I'm not straight. I'm either pansexual, lesbian or bi. I have had crushes on guys through out my life but I'm trying to work out of that means I'm attracted sexually to men. I mean even lesbians can pick out the cutest guy in the room right, so, noticing a hot guy doesn't equal sexual attracting (I'm only just realising this). So wondering, what if I've been socially conditioned to notice a cute guy, and feel hopeful that he will like me. I'm trying to work out if I've ever actually been sexually attracted to a man. I've been intimate with many many many men (I went through a permiscuos stage in my 20's) obviously some sex was better than others...but thinking back I'm not sure if I was ever sexually attracted to them. I think Ive only been aroused by touch, not visually looking at them and wanting them... Do you think that sounds like I'm a lesbian?? I have fallen in love with men though... So would that make me pansexual? The reason I'm thinking about any of this is because since I was 11 years old I have found looking at women arousing and I fantasise about them. I've not really wanted it to be anything other than thought and feelings in my head...but what if I'm gay and I'm missing out on having a truely fulfilling life by being with a woman I'm sexually attracted to rather than living my life with a man who can only arouse me by touch... Confusing!!!
That's an interesting question. The thing about something like this is that it's not easy to answer. In the end you need to reach certainty in what you want and who you are for yourself. We can offer insight of our own experiences or opinions but that only goes so far. You could be a lesbian, bisexual, or pansexual. The only thing that I think I can confidently say is that from what you describe you are not straight. Putting labels aside for a moment, what really matters is what you feel and what you want. One thing about social conditioning is that it can lead you to make the "safe" choice. The one that has the least consequence or risk. You can more easily feel comfortable feeling emotionally invested because it's safer to become so. At least that is the perception. I think one of the most helpful things for me in figuring things out was to put that safety aside and question if I am doing something because I feel it's acceptable or because I really desire it. If you are only aroused by touch with opposite sex relationships when it feels like the safer option then it certainly bears thinking on. Do you have to fantasize while being intimate? How mentally present are you? If you find you really need to work at it all the time to enjoy it, I think it may increase the likelihood that social conditioning is *possibly* a factor. I don't know how helpful my advice is, but those are my thoughts.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have a boyfriend currently and his sex drive is much stronger than mine, it's always a case of he will need to 'warm up my engine' so to speak, and then after I'm aroused I do enjoy sex but I do think about girls when he is going down on me... A fantasy I have is that he is inside me- and a girl is going down on me at the same time. I think this is because I love him (so want to be close to him) but need the idea of a girl in order to get fully aroused. I wish it wasn't so complicated. Just to make it more confusing, I tried watching different types of porn to see what things turned me on. 2 girls = highly aroused. Straight sex= boring. 2 men highly aroused. So, I think that means I'm bi??? Or, something in my head finds same sex intmacy arousing... I'm not sure why though and I can't seem to control it.
This is a pretty strong indicator that you might lean more towards women. If you are fantasizing about women while in the act of having sex with someone to assist then that seems like something to think carefully on. Porn is a very poor indicator of sexual orientation. Maybe try this: Try to not fantasize while having sex with your boyfriend, try to stay in the moment and see how it affects things.
