Okaaay. So. Two issues going on with me right now. (Prepare yourself for the text walls *muahmuahmuah*) 1. So, lately, my super awesome sexuality decided it would be a good idea to start randomly teleporting ALL around the spectrum. Normally, I identify under the general term of bisexual, with a small-ish preference for ladies. The bodies of guys are not at ALL appealing to me, and those of females... well... definitely are. Heh. Of course, I can still form romantic-y emotional bonds with males (and obviously ladies), but LATELY, like I said, my preferences have been all over the place. For a week or two I won't be able to even PICTURE myself with a guy; heck, one of them complimented me in a definitely-not-casual way during one of those special weeks and I did a very thing (that only happens to me in totally different situations) where my hands and fingers became extremely shaky and I compressed into a human ball in my chair. Other weeks, though, just thinking about "liking" someone physically felt like a disgusting idea. Similar things to these two examples have been happening all over the place. 2. Along with the random and magical sexuality changes, now my brain is deciding to throw horrible gender dysphoria at me (for the first time(s)) at the most inconvenient moments. Yes, I am a physical female. That's okay. My brain, though, does NOT like that idea sometimes. I'll just be standing there when suddenly I'll look down and want to totally obliterate any trace of curves, other feminine shapes, or breasts that I see on myself. I mentally collapse around that time, and then the awesome hand twitching and ball forming (which makes it worse, as I can FEEL the shapes more then) happen. Neither of these two things have ever happened before. Ever. I've acknowledged my liking of both genders ever since I can remember; why does all of this start showing up now, and so suddenly? Opinions on either of these two, anyone? Thank you~ :3
You are ver young. It is very normal to feel a bit shaky in your sense of self. For me it lasted much longer beyond the age my teens. It is difficult to know who you are and what you like if you are not grounded as a person yet, and "knowing your label" will not magically make that sense of calm appear. Figuring your sexuality & figuring out a label that can be matched to it, are 2 entirely different things. I would suggest allowing your orientation to take its natural shape, before worrying about how to name it, and learning to accept yourself as a person in your body before everything else. Many female bodied people, myself included feel a bit uncomfortable with their feminine body at first. I did too, and still do. A lot of it has to do with the fact that our bodies are kind of flat as children: this is the form most familiar to us, and once we start developing breasts it just feels a bit alien. At least it did to me and I did bind my breasts in my early teens for a while. I also have some character traits which others often call 'masculine'. No doubt if I had been growing up today I would have been diagnosed with 'gender dysphoria", but back then it was just not an option for me. In a sense I feel lucky with that regard, because the fact that some aspects of female body don't feel completely natural does not imply in my case that I would want my body to be male, I am pretty happy with being female over all But it takes time forging a sense of self and identity in a female body when it does not come completely naturally to accept is as such. I am saying this as an example that acceptance & comfort are possible. To me it looks like maybe your sense of gender is influencing how you feel towards others: it happens for some people, it happens for me as well sometimes; the more tomboyish-masculine I feel the more comfortable I am with identifying as with my gay side, but in reality those two aspects don't have to be related. There are plenty of feminine lesbians or very masculine gay men and their sense of gender does not influence their sexual orientation.
