Hi guys. Once and for all, I was hoping if someone could help me with the predicament I'm in. I've spent a couple of months reflecting on my sexuality and just letting things sit. I've made a few lists, and I'm trying to be objective here. I know I'm not fully straight. But I don't know if I'm lesbian or bisexual. I think I might fall somewhere in the middle. Maybe someone could help me out though? You know, from an outsiders perspective. Here are the facts. Concrete pieces of evidence. - I have never had a crush on a guy before. - I have had opportunities to flirt with guys, but for some reason always find an excuse not to. I had a very close male friend who tried to hit on me after a year of us being friends (tall, handsome, chivalrous, hilarious: the whole package), and I felt intensely uncomfortable and even a little bit sad for reasons I cannot explain. - I felt as if I have had crushes on girls before, the ones I'm consciously aware of occurring sometime in the past few months (definitely not a "head over heels" kind of thing, but this weird draw I have not felt with a guy before). After considering I may not be straight, I feel like I've started viewing girls much differently than before. - In the past, I have felt weirdly nervous around girls (wanting to make a good first impression and such)., but I really didn't think this was weird at all. I do not get nervous around guys though. I can talk to very handsome guys without feeling weird about it. - I find women attractive as a whole package, although I'm not disgusted by men by any means (it's kind of just "meh" - I do get grossed out by male chest and armpit hair though, and I don't get what the big deal is about six pack abs. I appreciate how male faces are attractive) - I have been able to identify strongly with coming out stories online by lesbian youtubers, and I feel almost a little bit at home within the LGBT community. However... - I never, ever considered myself gay up until a few months ago (late 17). It just hit me one day, literally. - As a teenager, I would fantasize about men (not anyone I knew though - sort of a faceless, 'concept' of a man). In my head, the idea of having sex with a guy seemed very appealing. I've always had a pretty low sex drive though, so I haven't been able to use this as the strongest indicator. - I think I may have had a crush on a guy in fifth grade, and then again right after I turned 13. It was a long time ago. I don't know whether or not it was genuine. They stopped after the age of about 13 though. In high school, crushes were nonexistent. I thought I was slightly asexual, or too stressed to think about relationships. - I have a poor relationship with my father, and my family is filled with divorce (could this be a trigger?) - I've been having an identity crisis in relation to my identical twin sister. Could these feelings just be an indirect way of separating myself? - graphic (and embarrassing) : I feel like I should also mention that I do... *like* the idea of penises. Semen and testicles gross me out however. Vaginas? Eh. I'm actually really not sure how I feel about them. At this point, kind of neutral. So there you go. My feelings flip a lot. Some days, all of this feels like a confusing dream, and I feel like I'll snap out of it at any moment and go back to this heterosexual image of myself I carried my whole life. Some days this all feels like a phase, and I just can't believe it could be permanent (it's a little mind boggling). I don't think if I was actually a lesbian, I would have fantasized about men in the past, even though what was in my head did not seem to align with my reactions to real-life situations. Whenever guys have hit on me or flirted with me, even if they were perfectly nice people who I liked as friends, my brain was telling me "go for it, this is the perfect situation", but my gut was telling me no. I would get such a strong, negative knee-jerk reaction to just run away. I just can't explain the nauseating discomfort and weirdness I felt in the moment when things came to push or shove. This dissonance has been very, very strange. A part of me does feel like I should cling to the idea that if I hold out long enough, I'll eventually find the perfect guy. But I almost feel like this is being unfair to myself. At this time, it feels a lot more likely that I'll end up with a girl. But it could happen. 3.5 billion men on earth, and there isn't a single one that I couldn't be happy with? I find it hard to believe. The biggest issue for me is that I'm a shy mega-virgin. I've never even kissed someone before. I feel like I won't be able to trust myself until I've dated numerous people and have an actual relationship pattern to observe. Part of why this all feels so dreamlike is because I have a fairly low sex drive, and I don't have any actual experiences. I'm always paranoid that even though you may think one thing, you'll feel something else when faced with an actual situation (not just a fictitious one) Lastly, I don't feel like I should really call myself bisexual either. I would call myself bisexual as an insurance policy for the off-chance of me meeting Mr. Right. However, I don't feel like I connect to the bisexual community at all. I feel like I connect better to the lesbian community. I don't want to call myself bi and give men an invitation to hit on me. I don't want to give off the impression that I want to date both or like both equally. I've never been a fan of this whole "90% gay, 10% straight but still bisexual" kind of thing. I don't feel comfortable calling myself bisexual unless I feel like I'm strongly attracted to both, and want to pursue relationships with both. But as I said before. As soon as I start thinking about these things, I drive myself crazy with doubt and confusion. Everything reaches a boiling point, but instead of bubbling over, I just shut down and once again, none of this feels *real* - it all feels like a weird phase of confusion that'll pass. There's a weird disconnect, like I can't trust myself. I tell myself in the mirror "you're straight", then I say "you're gay", and finally I say "you're bisexual". I feel kind of neutral and distant to all of those things. Like I said, I feel like the only things I can trust are real-life experiences and my reactions to actual situations. Those are the only concrete pieces of evidence I have. What would you say I should consider labeling myself as? I do really want a label, even if it changes. I feel like I won't be comfortable until I have one. The thing is, I don't know which one to choose. I want to be honest with myself. If you see a pattern I'm not recognizing, please, point it out!
You do sound like a lesbian, I see nothing indicating an attraction to men here. Some lesbians are aesthetically attracted to men, some have had crushes on men in the past because of heteronormativity. Bisexuals must have sexual desire toward men. With that said people's sexuality can go either way. Because even though lesbians can find men good looking, bisexuals can also not desire men -that- much or feel that much attracted to him if it's not the right guy or if they don't know him well enough. I've heard that for bisexuals, It can be common to feel 'lust as first sight' (or physical attraction right away) to one gender, but not to the other. I don't think that's the case with you though.
I don't think you should get to hung up on labeling yourelf. there is no label that can describe anyone and how they feel about themselves perfectly. I see it over and over people stress about labeling themselves properly. and what's more important is that people are trying to label themselves when they don't even know how they really feel. As if they think figuring out the proper label will solve the issue. labels are like the pirates code..... more of a guideline than actual rules. Just try to get to know yourself better, and that simply takes time and a little experimentation. Analyzing yourself with lists and comparisons will only frustrate you more. you sexuality and orientation is an adventure not a homework assignment.
I know labels aren't all that important and figuring yourself out is an 'adventure', but I kind of joined this site so other people could help nudge me in a certain direction, maybe point out some details I'm not recognizing. I do think having a label (even if it's a loose one) would help me a lot with the whole acceptance thing. There are days when I lean towards one label and then days where I lean towards another, but I'm still hesitant to pick anything. I was just hoping the people on this site could help me with that, even though I know no one can actually do the work for me or make the final decision.
Oh yes i agree. labels can be a way to g_uide us for sure. I wasnt meaning to undermind you at all. Sometimes i say more than i need to lol. i definitely see you having an attraction to girls more than guys for sure. seems more like you want to be open to guys because who knows maybe the one for you is a guy. as far as labeling yourself you said you go with bi just in case. and i think that's a fine way to go about it. i should have let you know that from the get go. lol. umm i suppose i havnt been much help,....,,
Why do you need a label at all? Why do you feel the need to define yourself? Why not simply explore your sexuality, date whom you like, whether man or woman, and see where it leads? I can understand the desire to be able to classify yourself, but I question whether labels are necessary, or at least, whether they are worth getting stressed over.
OP here: I'd like a label because labels give people a sense of belonging and community (say, not just being a part of the LGBT community, but specifically the trans community). I think labels give people a sense of comfort and confidence. I want something easy I can use to identify myself. I think coming out would be a lot simpler and less stressful if I had a solid label, instead of being one of those people who just says something like "I like humans" or "why label myself?" Especially coming from my family, it would make things a lot easier. The main problem is I don't know what label 'fits' me best. On one hand, I want to call myself bisexual to keep the door open on the off-chance I meet Mr. right. On the other hand, I don't want to call myself bisexual because I honestly don't feel bisexual: that would imply I feel the same way towards guys and girls, which isn't true. I know there are some people out there who say you can still be bisexual if you're 90% gay and 10% straight, but in my own personal opinion, to comfortably label myself as truly bisexual, the ratio would have to be much closer to 50/50 (keeping in mind there could be slight preferences, of course) To further complicate things, I only have my virgin status to go off of. I've come to realize that thoughts/fantasies may not necessarily align with what you actually want and feel comfortable with when it really comes down to it. I used to think about being intimate with a man, and it didn't bother me, even though I never thought about actually being in a relationship with one (I always assumed I was just extremely non-romantic and unaffectionate, because the thought of being all sweet and "mushy" with a guy is kind of awkward). But sure enough, whenever I've been put into an actual, real-life situation where I can interact with a guy in that way, my gut reaction is just so strong. I don't feel attracted to them, and I don't feel comfortable at all flirting with them. It just feels so platonic, and I feel extremely uncomfortable when a guy starts flirting with me, even if he hits all of the qualities on my mental checklist, he's attractive, we click really well as friends, and my brain has already pre-imagined how I'm *supposed* to react in a situation like this. I feel like in order to truly know, I need to try to be in relationships with both. But I don't want to wait to adopt a label until I do that, because I'm a very cautious, insecure person. I'm not the kind of person who can just go out and have fun experimenting, because a lot of trust has to be established before any of that kind of stuff. Getting to a point where I actually have some relationships under my belt to go off of could take a long time.
