I'm 20 years old and have a girlfriend, who is stunning, the most beautiful girl in the world in my eyes. But recently I have found myself noticing guys more. I have a great relationship with my girlfriend and really don't want to destroy it, I do love her. But for the last few months I can't stop thinking about Gay sex and being with a guy. So I had been watching gay porn and going on gay chat rooms. However, last week things boiled over and I had an affair with a guy that was 40 years older than me and I loved every last second of it while it happened. But afterwards I felt terrible, dirty. I don't want to split up with my girlfriend but at the same time, this isn't fair on her. I've promised myself I'll never do it again, but I'm not sure I can keep that promise. What do I do? Do I tell her I had an affair and if I do, do I tell her it was with a 60 year old man? Do I just break it off or shall I keep this to myself till I work out what I want? I really need advise because I can't go on like this. I was 100% straight till a few months ago and had never even been curious. I have no idea if I'm gay, straight or bi. I'm so confused.
It seems that we have a lot in common, except for the girlfriend part lol, don't have one yet. For the longest time I was on obsessed with gay porn within a certain criteria. In other words, I could only get off to older men and certain scenarios. I got off to it very easily and even in the real world I had sexual thoughts about older men, but older men only. However in real life, I've never had feelings for a guy. I don't think this is something you can control. To me, guys were my buddies. But then I acted out on my fantasies with a much older man, around 45. Before using skype to video call him, I imagined all the things we would do, and in my mind it felt so good. During the webcam thing, something told me that what I was doing was wrong. Not wrong as in gay relationships are wrong, but wrong as in this isn't who I am. Ever since that day, I cut off my communication with him and although I still watch porn, I've realized that there are numerous traits that I wish to posses from older men, one of which is physical dominance. I've realized that I can't love a man because I'm not wired that way. Instead, I love girls, and I know this because I've had my eyes on a girl for 6 years, and to this day I still like her. I love hanging out with her. I love her for who she is, and the fact that she's hot is a awesome bonus! Haha. When you acted out your fantasies, it's clear that you enjoyed the sexual experience, but at any point did you develop any feelings for that man? This is the big question here, because let's be honest: sex feels good. It doesn't matter who you're doing it with. The fact that you enjoyed the sex part of it but later had negative feelings about the whole experience says something about yourself. I'm not going to label you because in the end you'll decide on that. Watch out for porn because it can mess with your mind. Porn is just people having sex, nothing more. It says nothing about your orientation because porn itself disregards the relationship aspect of two people, which is key for a relationship. My advice is to watch your feelings, because in my case I would always imagine having sex or whatnot with older men but as soon as I talked to them the urge went away. Past attractions before porn usage is something you should look into. Did you ever have feelings for guys? Feelings, not sexual thoughts; that's the key difference here.
Hi, and welcome to EC. You're in the right place. First, try not to judge yourself too harshly. Yes, sex with someone 40 years older isn't the healthiest of behaviors, but sometimes we do things to learn about ourselves, and the world won't end because it happened. The biggest single piece here is that you need to figure out what's going on for you. It's actually not uncommon for someone to feel completely straight and then, something happens, and their same-sex attraction sort of wakes up. That actually happened to me, so I have a pretty good understanding of how disconcerting it can be. Does this mean you're gay? No, we can't say that at this point. But what is important here is where your attractions lie. If you find yourself watching gay porn and masturbating to it, hanging in gay chatrooms, and enjoying the gay sexual experience you had... that's clearly a sign you aren't fully straight. One question that is usually helpful is... if you are masturbating without watching porn, and just relying on your own fantasies... where does your mind go? Are you thinking mostly about guys? Mostly girls? A mix of both? If, as it sounds like it might be the case, you find yourself thinking mostly about guys, that, combined with the rest of what you've said does point in the direction of your being gay. That probably isn't what you want to hear, and it may make you sick to your stomach at first, because it's a new awareness... but if the experiences above match up, then it is pretty likely the direction you're headed. Something else to look at is comparing the feeling you get from fantasizing about guys, or the sexual experience itself (not the person it was with) with the guy, and comparing that to what the sexual experience feels like with your girlfriend. Many gay guys can have sex with girls, but it just isn't as fulfilling as it is with guys. If you find sex with your girlfriend to be just as arousing and exciting... then you're probably bi or closer to straight. But my guess, based on what you've said, that this probably isn't the case. One last piece, and I hesitate to say it lest I get flamed... but among my group of friends, we've found one pretty reliable predictor of a closeted gay guy is one who describes his girlfriend as "beautiful", "amazing", or "stunning." Most straight guys, for whatever reason, don't seem to use those terms, but an awful lot of closeted or just-coming-out gay guys do. It's a stereotype, has no statistical validation, but it's one more piece. Feel free to share more about your situation. EC is a safe and supportive place to explore your feelings, nobody here has any agenda other than to help you find whatever your particular truth is. And feel free to PM me or any of our advisor team if you'd like to talk with one of us one-on-one.
