Hi, I just joined this site not too long ago and am hoping this will be able to clear out a few things for me (because the more i read about it, the more confused i get and nothing really seems to answer my question... and by this point any answer you have will be more helpful) I am a 23 year old girl and always have been straight.. Most of my friends are guys, since forever, I've always found I get along with guys better than girls and guys seem to find me cooler than girls do anyways... Infact, ( I dont remember this, but i've been told by several family members) when i was really young... like 3-4 years old, apparently i wanted to "be a boy when i grew up" and my mom had to explain to me that things didn't work like that, i thought becoming a guy wasn't any different than saying i wanted to be an astronaut... I guess that went away fast since i don't really remember it... But I do remember as a child "guy toys/games" were more appealing to me than what the girls my age were doing... and i guess that is still very true... later in elementary school I had crushes on guys and got rejected many times because i was like "a boy" and when people would call me a tomboy i'd flip out because... I did ballet and figure skating and wore makeup before most girls and didn't understand why guys didn't find me attractive... In high school this changed, i had many boyfriends, guys liked me a lot because i was different and supposedly more fun than "normal" girls... and though i felt fine with myself, i always had a little frustration when id get compared to "normal girls" because i never understood why i wasn't considered a normal girl... In my circle of friends I was the only girl for a while and was always considered one of the guys to them... I love being a girl and would never want to be a guy but I won't hide that i really am not the typical girl.. I'm kind of one of those bad-ass chicks you would see in an action movie... and maybe people just sensed something different with me as a child... In the past few years as many girls as guys hit on me when i go out... Depending on who is hitting on me i can feel really uncomfortable but the fact both guys and girls hit on me kind of just flatters me... and I'm pretty okay with most girls that hit on me... I'm also naturally a big flirt and always flirt without realizing it (even if i don't want anything in return, i flirt...) and i guess i won't deny that I flirt with girls too unconsciously... recently I've been thinking a lot.. and i don't know if i'm just confused or if these thoughts are actually indicators that i may not be as straight as i thought I was... ? Strangely... most of the guys i've had more serious relationships with ended up realizing they were gay not too long after our relationship ended... I recently just got out of a 4 year relationship with a guy I was sure i'd marry... we still loved each other when we broke up but we both knew something wasn't quite working out and that we had to leave each other, I saw him a few days ago and he told me he just came out of the closet.... so... it just happened again... he knew me really well and when he came out he asked me if i had similar questioning and i said no... but the truth is yes... but im too confused to be able to say what I am or even begin talking about it to someone... Though most of my friends are guys, my BEST friends are all girls... girls i barely ever see but have a really close relation with and deeply love... I also realized these few girls are all very pretty girls, super into fashion and a bunch of girly stuff i dont really like so much... what brings us close is things we've gone through, etc. Everywhere i go, I end up befriending every singe guy, and like ONE girl, and always the prettiest girl there... and end up being really really close to them... In high school and cegep my mother has asked me several times if I was alesbian... and every time i flipped out saying of course i'm not cuz it was obvious to me I wasn't... but almost everyone my mom became friends with since she moved here are gay guys and girls so now i'm wondering if maybe she sees something I couldn't see... and a lot of the people in my entourage are artists and not straight, and I myself am very into theatre and can get really into character and i truly don't know if this is actually how i am, or if i'm maybe just becoming the character people want me to be because i'm around it so much? My best friend and I seem pretty gay together i'm not going to lie, A lot of people most likely think we're together secretly... we always hold hands, cuddle and spoon when we sleep in the same bed lol and to me this never meant anything other than the fact we're really close... I never imagined anything sexual ever happening with any of my girl friends, but I find them beautiful and honestly when i'm with them i feel so good... this one in perticular. When something is wrong and she hugs me, i actually get butterflies and nothing else in the world matters... right now she isn't in the country and won't be for a while and I cry about it all the time... but she's always been in and out of the country for along as i've known her, this isn't anything new and now randomly it really really affects me I can't seem to be able to handle it at all... and i know my ex-boyfriend was always extremely jealous of her whenever she would be in town and always really suspicious of us doing things together.. though it never even crossed our minds (or at least, it never crossed my mind....) I've always found her extremely attractive though... even more than my other girl friends... I have a bond with her like no other person and I think i really really love her... the more I think of it the more obvious it is that I am totally in love with her, because even in the relationships i had where i was completely in love, i never loved anyone as deeply as i love her... but I can't picture us having a sexual relationship ... I guess this could be because i've never considered it before so it's new and weird to me... or maybe that i'm just not and am just confused... I am still very attracted to men, that is for sure and that hasn't changed one bit, so I know I am definitely not a lesbian, but maybe i am bisexual because being in her arms seems to be where i feel the best... What confuses me is that i AM really attracted to certain girls, but when i close my eyes i can't picture myself having a full out sexual relationship with a girl... but if i picture one kissing me on the neck i feel all warm inside... it is really confusing... I don't know if i am letting other peoples opinion of me get inside my head or if i really am bisexual... Has anyone ever felt this way ?? If anyone could help me clear this out a bit, it would really help me... i am really lost right now... I know there are different kinds of love but this kind fills me from head to toe, stops me from sleeping most nights and i'm thinking of her every half hour of every day and that either makes me sad cuz i miss her or makes me feel super warm inside cuz i love her so much... she's absolutely beautiful to me and i wish i could hold her all the time... but I can't even picture just making out with her and i've never been jealous of her relationships either... So i just have NO IDEA what any of this means... If i'm in love but can't picture anything does this mean I'm NOT bisexual or does it always start this way and in 5 months I'm going to be able to picture us having a sexual relationship? I don't know what is going on with me and i need to figure this stuff out..... Thanks -JJ-
Hi NGJJ, I think those are all certainly possible signs that you are not straight. The not being able to picture a sexual relationship could just your brain needing time to process these new feelings and if that is something you truly want to do, your brain will figure it out and tell you, in time. It may or it may not be with this on girl but it might be something that comes to feel right when your in a relationship that has progressed to the right point. This confusion is normal. Don't worry, it does start to clear up after a while. :}
Yeah I remember as I asked more questions here, I got even more confused haha. But talking to a psychologist helped me clear some things up, so that might help you. For now, monitor your feelings and see where they are directed to. Who do you consider as a friend? How do you feel around with a gender? What about past crushes?
You could be bi- obviously you were about to get married to a guy (a gay guy = abit girlish attitude or a pretty boy) If you enjoyed sex with your ex-guy and also imagining enjoying kissing with a girl then most likely you are bi. If you didn't enjoy sex with your ex then you would just be a lesbian. You just have to start experimenting to find out the true answers.
Alright! I guess i'll just give it time, see what happens and not deny it meanwhile... Thanks for the input folks!
