Ever since I've been 10, I've been scared of getting in to a romantic relationship with a girl. It's like whenever I sort of sense that I'm flirting or a girl is getting interested it makes me feel uneasy. Even to the point where I want to puke. So when I was around 12 it popped in to my head that I must be gay. This caused me to feel anxiety, and I reckon I changed from that day on. So I didn't get laid until I was 20 and this was a one night stand. Move forward to me being 29, and having slept with quite a few woman, I met a girl. We got on great and unlike all the others we started texting each other. I moved away a couple of weeks later. I wanted to treat her and love her, but the anxiety remained and it held me back to how I should treat her. It's because I couldn't be honest with myself and the last thing I wanted was to sort of end up being married then me coming out 20 years later. That would have devestated her - honestly I always held the intimacy at arms length, so when it ended she wouldn't get hurt. I mean why should she when I'm the one who's a train wreck internally. So, last September it ended. I'd been to Vegas, and after 5 days of partying I had a monumental panic/stress/anxiety meltdown that meant my 5 days in LA were a bit of a right off. I wanted so much to tell her I loved her but wasnt sure if it was my true feelings or just fantasy. Anyway I fly back to London after my holiday, then fly to Ireland to see her. It was an atrociuos weekend and a couple of weeks later it was over. She didnt say anything, she left me to figure it out. And when I realised, it hit me like a right hook from Tyson. I swear I had a breakdown there and then. The whole realisation that I had fucked her around and consequently lost her. Oh I forgot to mention, the aforementioned meltdown in Vegas was me feating that I was gay. These meltdown always happened after a heavy drink and or drugs session. Like the only way I could calm myself down was to accept that I was gay so long as I never touched a man. So anyway, back to post breakup. I decided to properly accept myself- yes I must be gay. So I started to look at men that way, but it evoked nobsort of sexual response - well this confused me more, because if I was to be with a man then I should be attracted to them right. This is such a revelation to me- before I couldnt accept anything other than perceived normality- even sort of suggested something might be different about me to my parents. They were both cool btw. And drunk Ive sorted of said stuff to my mates- and these bunch of alpha males were cool!! So -why couldnt I just meet a man- well for a start, I have no interest in it. So I then discover asexuality, and I realise that that sits with me more- I rarely gave sexual thoughts amd fantasies- if I do, it's over a woman that Ive known for a longtime- I could have had real experiences with them but circumstances dictated that I couldn't. But my asexuality cause an actual fear and dread in forming a relationship with a woman?? I mean if i meet someone and get on with them I worry that I'll be with them forever or my mind goes in to overdrive and i panic. I didnt have to most normal upbringing(wasnt abused or anything) but i lived with my dad and my mum would visit - then she'd move back in. And it would be great, then she'd move out and i'd be upset (was 2-3 onwards). This would often happen so it wasnt like a normal parent split which soon over- it was on repeat for me. Would this have affected me amd made me scared of forming relationships in the future? I appreciate that this is website and that I should speak to a shrink( all in good time). I guess Im quite content being on my own- but now im questioning why im like this. Anyway rant over -well done if you read this far.
Whoa there! I sense a lot of fear in your post, and to be honest it sounded like me a couple months ago when I had my first relationship with a girl. I was overly concerned on how I treated her, and in the end I broke up with her. One thing I want to point out though, is that we, as humans, are more comfortable with the sex that we are not attracted to. In my case, I consider guys as buddies, but when it comes to girls I'm always on the lookout for the things I say/do, how I treat them, etc. From your post, I can infer that there is, at least to some degree, some concern about how you act around girls, which is normal if you're attracted to someone. I'm not implying that this is the case for you, because in the end only you will know. It sounds as if your putting the label gay/asexual on yourself because relationships with girls didn't really work out for you, so it would absolutely make sense for you to believe that maybe it would work out with guys. Absolutely normal. From what I read from other people on EC, many of them knew at a young age that they were attracted to the same sex, but didn't know what to call it. Past crushes also say something about your orientation, because thats something you can't control. I'll be honest here, but it seems that you are giving yourself a lot of stress because of how past relationships didn't work out. I was like this, which gave me the initial thought that I wadon't straight. What about with guys? Now that you've explored your feelings with girls, see how it works with guys. Which gender do you consider as friends, and who do you consider more than that? For me porn has made this question more difficult than it already was, so if you are watching porn, understand that porn is inaccurate when it comes to determining your orientation. It's been half a year since I've thought that I was gay, and only recently have I realized that I'm not gay, because all my life I never had feelings for guys. This is evident because of all the guys that I know, there has not been one of them that I was attracted to, yet porn made me believe that I was attracted to older men and older men only because when it came to porn, it was only with a specific group. That threw me off, so look for something that doesn't align with your past experiences.
Honestly, it sounds like some sort of therapy might be the most helpful thing for you. I will say that just from the info you give in your post, it doesn't particularly sound like you are gay or even attracted to guys, but it does seem obvious that there are some real anxiety problems there (why I think a good therapist might be able to help), and those don't necessarily have anything to do with your actual sexual orientation.
As someone who has "faked" liking girls, and always known he (me) was gay, let me be the first to tell you that anxiety and orientation are two different things. I took the anxiety of knowing I was gay at a young age and turned it into years of abstinence. I am only just now at age 28 starting to let go of that anxiety, and starting to talk to gay men online. It's a major struggle and has additional societal pressures that straight people don't have. That being said, I think part of your and my anxiety is very similar; the part where we're afraid of ruining someone's life, and possibly our own. For me, it was that I knew I was pretending when I dated/flirted with women, but I did enjoy their company, so I continued. But if a girl asked me out or flirted back, WOAHHH!! Red flag! This girl thinks I'm something I'm not (straight). Not to mention that I've never loved anyone or had a long-term relationship; that in-and-of-itself is scary for a newbie! For you, I think you're describing a similar anxiety, but not because of a lack being physically attracted to her, but because of relationship-anxiety. I always thought anxiety was something made-up, but after many symptoms in my life, doctor's visits, and reading a TON online, I assure you it is very real. Some people think about flying on an airplane and trigger a lot of digestive upset. Some people feel a bump on their skin and TELL their doctor's they have cancer, even when the doctor says it's nothing at all. You can't change who you're attracted to, but you can control the anxiety by recognizing it and learning how to control your own internal processes. It's a lot of work, but necessary and attainable.
Hi guys, Thanks for the responses. I do agree on there fear being a governing factor. Which sucks! I think a therapist might help - will let you all know how it goes. Peace.
