Ever since I was a kid I have have loved women. But up until about 12 I began questioning myself. I am 17 and have been in several relationships in the past, none of which were serious, and it has been about 4 years since I was last in one. I found that this gave me time to discover who I was which is stupid of me to even consider, considering I was so sure that I'm straight, but as of yet, I still don't know. I have masturbated over women, and men. For a reason, its more frequent over men however it is not based on the fact I want to be with them or have sex with them. I've suffered from depression and anxiety for 3/4 years now and I have horrible body confidence, so I often found that I would masturbate to aspects of celebrities that I found attractive, such as their body or their face, or the thought of them having sex with a girl. It was almost as though I was imagining being them penetrating the woman. I do find myself looking at guys often but I don't see nothing sexual about them, and it's not like I don't look at women, because I do. Sure, I know when a guy is or isn't attractive, but I would never do anything with one, nor would I ever want to be with one. I have recently been speaking to a girl at my school, who I've grown to and we are working towards a relationship, yet I find myself struggling to be affectionate and all. Ever since we've been speaking, I've tried to lay off the porn and today was the first time I solely masturbated over a picture of a guy I wished I looked like - and I felt guilty as hell because I knew it was wrong of me. And that's the thing, I still look at guys in admiration. She always tells me about what she wants from a guy, so I find myself never feeling good enough, and I have masturbated over physical features like guys toned bodies or 'attractive' face WHILST talking to her, but I KNOW it's wrong. I would definitely have sex with her, foreplay and all and that thought excites me. But what scares me is whether or not I will be able to get erect considering I was so used to masturbating over pictures of the features on guys. She did think I was gay at first, but apparently it makes sense to her now because I was primarily brought up with my mother and sisters so I was so used to seeing all these feminine things happening, that I picked up habits though the way I talk and such, and my ability to care about how I look. In conclusion, I just want to know what you guys think. I do love this girl more than ever, and yes I would have sex with her, and no I would never want to be with a guy nor could I imagine myself with a guy. It's just the fact that I masturbate over them more than women which confuses me - but is this because of my low self esteem that it's almost a self confidence thing? Please help, Thank you
Honestly I think you're jumping to conclusions. I think that your insecurities are leading you to try and aspire to be that 'perfect' guy every girl wants. Obviously you're not gay but there may be some attraction to the same sex...? Maybe. But in all honesty I think you're over-thinking this and your 'attraction' towards guys is just you admiring them for being more attractive than you.
Precisely how I feel. I knew for a fact most guys don't feel like this, and my friends are the 'most manliest' male's you can get, so I often found myself questioning whether or not this was what being gay felt like, but at heart it just didn't feel right to call myself that and I knew that I loved women so kept asking why I was feeling these things. There could be some attraction, but nothing on a sexual level. I don't think there's anything wrong with finding the same sex attractive...right? The last section of what you put is basically why I do it, so I guess what you put kinda puts things into perspective.
You may just be putting way too much thought into it. but that of course is normal, its in our nature to overthink what we don't understand right away. You probably aren't gay, but you will drive yourself nuts considering it. its actually very normal for heterosexual men to fantasize about other men. some don't do it until later in life and then they freak out about it.
It's extremely easy for people to confuse themselves because of what they "get off" to. Whether you're actually attracted to that gender or traits that they posses, it's hard to tell the difference when you're masturbating to it. Best way to find out who you're attracted to is where your feelings lie. When you get in a relationship with someone, it's because you are attracted to them for who they are, and not because it's a guy/girl. It's easy to look at someone and say if they look good or not, but what you feel inside towards that person is not something you can control. You don't choose to like someone because they're good at this or that. I was lead to believe that I was gay, except when I acted out my fantasies with a much older man; long story short, it didn't feel right. Turns out I don't like guys that way, hence why I've never had feelings for a guy, even to this day. This made a lot of sense to me, so while I may/may not be a little homosexual, I am predominantly straight. Don't think about a relationship in terms of sex. You'll realize later in life that it's one of the things that make up a relationship, but definitely not the only thing. You'll know what I mean what you find someone attractive, and you'll look at them subjectively instead of objectively.
