No alignment between romantic/sexual orientation, struggle to accept homosexuality.

Let me start by saying that I am homosexual, but biromantic, and that the non-sexual forms of attraction often take priority in my way of relating to people.
I am often kind of demisexual: not completely, but the mental/emotional/spiritual levels of attraction take priority over the purely sexual.
I experience the purely sexual element of attraction sometimes, but it is not as frequent, and it always only happens with women.

I struggle with accepting my sexuality, because there seems to be a considerate disconnect between my emotional/sensual levels of attraction and my actual erotic orientation, and a lot of it stems from years for drowning out and denying the erotic/lust level of attraction, at least this is what I believe is the case.

Often there is a certain emotional/ sensual attraction to people *despite* the fact that they are of the opposite sex, and I and find it difficult to accept that I not a 'little bit bi', but fully homosexual on the sexual level.

The issue is that my primary attraction to men is to something in their personality; their eyes, etc., so it is a combination of emotional and aesthetic attraction, rather than sexual.

There is, or at least WAS in the past, also a desire for physical intimacy with people that I know and like based on mental and emotional connection, without feeling actual erotic attraction to them at all. It is utterly weird, but this is how things worked for me.
After years of trying to realise this connection through unsatisfying sexual encounters with the opposite sex I now realise that I was always trying to use sex as means to get some emotional intimacy, rather than this stemming from a genuine sexual attraction to the opposite sex.

The reality is that I never was attracted to men and maleness erotically and sexually. I don't find the male form "sexy", I never did. I don't understand the lust after the male form. I cannot get aroused by the idea of a male nude. I get often mildly grossed out by physical aspects of the male body which are explicitly masculine, and which others consider sexually arousing: eg. muscles on men.

Sexually, erotically I only find women arousing, and because of this any experiences I had with the opposite sex always felt lacking and incomplete, despite wanting them on an emotional level. Of course I do also feel emotional attraction to women, so I am not worried that eventually I will find a woman to have a relationship with.

But the fact remains that I find it difficult to accept and treat my homosexuality SERIOUSLY, because

1) erotic/sexual attraction does not generally take priority in my attractions, it is often completely in the background, I am attracted to souls, rather than bodies.

2) I was able to have sex with the opposite sex, albeit it felt always incomplete, so I decided to not do it anymore.

3) Because I have repressed my sexuality for such a long time, when I feel sexual physical attraction it just feels such a small element of overall attraction: it is easy to ignore the fact that it does not really exist with men, and it just seems to be such a trivial thing, that I find it difficult to believe that I don't have the capacity to feel it with men.

Gender and sex is not everything about a person and I am able to *like* a male person romantically or emotionally *despite* their gender: I find it difficult to accept that I lack the capacity to connect to them sexually *because* of their gender.

And yet I know, that in the long run, in relationships their gender *will* be a problem.
Heterosexual relationship dynamics have always made me unhappy and I know that there is a part of me that will always be rejected by a man, and I will never be able to submit to a guy. My sexual energy is very masculine; I a more of a "top" and "active" in many ways I know it was always a problem in relationships with men: even if I were ever capable of sexual attraction to a man, I would still have a problem with the sexual energy dynamic, I would still be incompatible with a man.

Add to this the fact that I have had issues with my father in the past which mean that I do have a need for male affection, and a lot of conflicting feelings and emotions emerge because I subconsciously still try to get those emotional needs met through seeking affection from men: in this case it is my male long term ex-partner, and part of me still hopes that "things can get worked out", that my sexuality is not fundamentally incompatible with trying to make it work.

Whenever I notice a guy: let's say I like his eyes, I will imagine for example being somewhere cosy and gazing into his eyes.

I will try to convince myself that this means I am capable of a full *sexual* way of relating to him, that he is 'an exception', that 'gender does not matter': in short I try to convince myself that my homosexuality is not real that I can 'control it', that I am "bisexual with a preference for women", but deep down I know that this is not true.

Given that sexuality is often fluid in people, given that I myself experience romantic fluidity in being able to be emotionally/romantically attracted to a person regardless of gender, and given that gender is not *everything* about a person: I believe that people often have gender-neutral trails, or even opposite gender traits: feminine men, etc.,

Given all this, I find it difficult to accept that there is something in me which renders me incapable of fully romantically relating to people if they are male: namely the aspect that I am not capable of erotic response to male bodies, and the fact that my own masculinity clashes with theirs in intimate relations. I know it is there, I know from experience, but that does not make make stop trying to think it is all just about 'compatibility', rather than a lack of capacity for it.

It's just weird, it logically does not make sense to me, because really an androgynous masculine body is not *that* different from a female one, and what matters in my attraction is not the body, but the person, so I tend to wildly swing from accepting my homosexuality to trying to treat it as if it does not exists and it is all in my head, it is my 'decision to only want to be with a woman because I am romantically incompatible with men', and similar rationalisations.

How do other biromantic homosexuals deal with these issues? How does one accept that despite being romantically/sensually aesthetically attracted to a person regardless of gender, that does not imply a sexual relationship capacity?

How do you stop trying to be "bisexual", when you know you are not capable of it?

How do you deal with having feelings for a person who happens to be of the opposite sex, when you know they can be never realised in a full relationship because of their gender/sex?

 

Re: No alignment between romantic/sexual orientation, struggle to accept homosexualit

hm, this is odd, because I put the "fiery electric feeling" into the 'sexual' part of attraction, it does feel more "electric" with women in general for me, with men it is less electric and hence easier to deal with, I think.

So what on earth is "sexual attraction" then?
I am starting to feel a little bit confused now :/

I agree with waiting for the whole package thing though & thank you for your post Crunchy