I feel like most of my attractions (my involuntary ones) are towards men now. I feel like these attractions come more frequently when I fantasize. I used to think I was straight up until around age 15 but was always very homophobic. I am 20 now. I have had encounters with women, I frequently fantasize about women I know but I'm not sure if it's just because I want to like them, and not an actual attraction. For my fantasies with men, they come on as something I don't want but I will often just succumb to them. These often come late at night when I'm alone, where something will just "butt up". I however feel like I'm straight when listening to romantic music and stuff like that, and sometimes when I'm with girls I will feel a fairly strong urge to be with them (sexually and emotionally, however this could be an ego boost). With men however, I definitely feel an attraction but no desire to be with one romantically (this could be because I have a lot of male friends so I find it awkward to look at a male as something else. My real questions are: what orientation would these clues lead towards, does anyone experience something similar, and how do you learn to accept these attractions? I personally right now am scared that I am gay. I feel like I might be lying to myself about my attractions to girls but I actually don't know. I used to always want to fall in love with a girl and that is what gives me motivation for everything whether it's working out or getting a good job. However if I feel like I'm gay I lose all that motivation and have no desire to look good for other males. My sexuality also feels fluid at times, which I know most makes it seem like I'm bisexual but I really don't want to feel like I am lying to myself or else I will always be questioning if I have a relationship with a girl.
After reading what you wrote, it doesn't sound like you're lying to yourself especially about being attracted to women. I do, however, think you have some issues embracing your attraction to men. You stated that you were once homophobic which might be one of the main underlying issues. I definitely recommend counseling or just talking to a trusted friend with an open mind about the urges you experience for other men. I'm not sure if you can relate to this, but there was an older psychological study that tested the reactions that heterosexual males had to gay (male on male) pornography. The results showed that the non-homophobic men had little or no reaction to the pornography, but the homophobic men tended to have an increase in penile diameter. I'm not trying to say that homophobic men are secretly homosexual, but that it isn't an uncommon thing for them to have those kinds of reactions at least on a physical level. So, the things you're experiencing aren't uncommon. They're just not talked about. Honestly no one can really tell you what your sexuality is. It's something you need to define for yourself, and it sounds like you're on the right track. I mean you're questioning yourself, realizing how you feel about each gender and have acknowledged that you sometimes feel like you have a fluid sexuality. I don't think you need to stick to these rigid definitions on sexuality unless you really relate to them.
A person's sexual orientation isn't just based on sexual attraction. I assume that you have friends that say "WOW SHES GOT A NICE ASS" or "SHE'S HOT". It's not these remarks that make a person straight, because anyone can say that, whether they're in the closet or not. It's part of a norm that society is practices. The best way for anyone to determine their orientation is finding out who their feelings are directed to. I use to think I was gay earlier this year because I had sexual thoughts about older men for 6 years, and older men only. Porn has also confused me because the content that I looked up was towards a specific type of group; dominant, older men. However, even now, I've never had feelings for a guy. You know, that feeling when you like someone for who they are and how they make you feel inside. You want to be around with them more, and you enjoy their company. So my quesiton to you is, who do you have those feelings towards? Guys? Girls? Maybe both? Having feelings for both genders would, in that case, be called bisexual. Gender irrelevance is called pansexual, where you are attracted to the person regardless of who they identify as. At times I still imagine myself having sexual thoughts about men but I've now come to realize that it's admiration that has manifested itself over the years. I've acted out my fantasies with an older man near my area, and to be honest the whole experience felt very unsettling. I immediately regretted doing it with that man, and since then cut off my connection with him. This was the wake up call that I've been waiting for, that I'm not attracted to boys: - I've never had feelings for guy - My main group of friends are guys Those were the two things that stood out to me the most. What threw me off was the fantasies I had with older men. Therefore, fantasy =/= reality. This is exactly how I feel. I'll never know what it'll feel like to have feelings for guys, but I'd assume that if you were watching/listening to media that had guy/girl relationships involved, you'd know that it wouldn't work for you because you aren't wired that way. I could be wrong, but this is my opinion. I hope that cleared some things up a bit. Feel free to ask any more questions.
Hi, you don't need to find and / or take on a label such as 'gay', 'bisexual' or 'straight'. You don't need to 'know for sure' at all, actually...I recommend simply exploring the feelings you have, whether they are for men or women, let them be, let yourself feel them as they are. It's all ok in any case, I mean you are free to be with anyone, guy or girl...so it's fine to explore this either in fantasy, or irl. You could date a guy even, see how that goes, and still not 'know' which term best defines your sexuality, and that would be fine. We don't need labels! They have their uses, but really what we all are is human beings, lucky to live in a time when same-sex relations are increasingly accepted, worldwide. Now obviously I'm not saying 'go and have sex with a guy' lol, just to give yourself the freedom to know that you can date a guy, you can date a girl, it's up to you. Maybe explore both sides, then you will have a better idea? I'm just saying, there's no need to 'know' just now. Just explore, either in fantasy or irl. As for really 'knowing', I suspect that can come only from experience, over the longer term, maybe. (I'm still not 100% sure about myself, actually. I've learned to live with the uncertainty for now, which I think will only begin to dissipate when I actually kiss a guy that I like deeply and passionately and do god knows what else with him, finally, well then I might be in a better position to know for sure. )
Thanks for all your replies. I feel like the facts point to me being bisexual but I am going to wait until I experiment more to determine a label.
