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Return of a confused person...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by womaninamber, Dec 7, 2014.

  1. womaninamber

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    I joined here back in February and got some great support but got kind of scared and I was going through a lot in my life so I didn't come back. But I've been thinking about my sexuality again and I just wanted to reach out a little to see if people can relate. (I know nobody can tell me what my sexuality is, but it helps just to know I'm not alone.)

    I'm well over forty. Since high school I've wondered if I was really straight, but since I've never fallen in love with a woman or had sex with one (and I have with men) I figured I was just being ridiculous and trying to claim an identity that wasn't really mine.

    Then when I was poking around online recently wondering if I was straight, I found out about HOCD, and since I do have OCD I figured, hey, maybe that's me, even though only some of the symptoms fit me. I don't dread the idea of being gay and want people to tell me I'm straight. In fact it's kind of the opposite and I want people to tell me I'm not straight. (I don't mean that's why I came here, since I know no one else can tell me that... I'm just talking about what goes on in my brain.)

    There are various other things in my life that make thinking about sexuality difficult for me, including I never really enjoyed sex, though I of course realize that doesn't mean I'm a lesbian.

    People tell me just to relax and see what feelings I have and what I'm actually attracted to which of course makes perfect sense, but these days I can't even picture being with anyone romantically or sexually. (Unless you want to count a few male celebrities but I'm well aware that I'll never meet them and have no idea what they're like in real life.) I do watch female/female porn now and then and not any other kind, but lots of straight women do that so I know it doesn't mean much.

    I'm sorry for the long post. I cut it down as much as I could but I just... talk too much.
     
  2. all paths

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    So far all I can say is that in the "LGBTQ" gamut, you sound like you are squarely in the "Q." :wink:

    What if, for a short while, you just imagine yourself as gay? Flirt with women. Look up pictures of cute female celebrities and enjoy them. Imagine yourself in a relationship with a woman.

    See how that goes for a week or three. Perhaps a month.

    Then, see what you think. :slight_smile:
     
  3. womaninamber

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    I don't really have anyone to flirt with but I have never actually tried imagining myself as gay the way you're describing it and I think it's a great idea. Thank you so much for that!
     
  4. all paths

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    You are welcome! :grin:

    And I'd love to hear how that goes. *nods*
     
  5. womaninamber

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    It's been a little weird so far. I got really excited about it, and then I sort of worked myself into a state of worry about it which I know is silly since I'm just thinking and trying to figure out where/who I am. But maybe I need to give it more time and stress about it less.