Hi EC, First time poster here, though I've been reading in fits and starts for a few weeks. Brief background: since I was a kid, I knew I was different. I looked at girls way more than boys. When all my friends had celebrity crushes, I preferred to crush on females, but picked whatever guy they were crushing on at the moment. They could be huggy with each other without question, where a hug to me was way uncomfortable (though I didn't know why.) Fast forward through high school, college, and into the world of employment. I had hoped I'd out grow the "girl crushes" I grew up having. I hoped that I'd start seeing whatever it is that most women see in men that make their knees week. No such luck. I'm in my mid 30s and still having girl crushes. Intense ones. And intense fear of guys with NO desire to seek out any sort of relationship with a guy. Then again, I'm afraid of relationships in general, but when I do consider.... it's always with a woman. (I imagine this is a fairly typical story in some ways?) I recently acknowledged to my therapist that I like girls. I have acknowledged to my best friend that I like girls. I know in my heart that I like girls. But there's still a part of me wondering, what if I'm wrong? What if I wake up all of a sudden and crush on guys instead? When these questions come into my head, I know the answer is that it's never gonna happen. I like girls, plain and simple. But..... I think a part of me still wants to believe that I'm straight, even though all evidence points to not. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to move past the tipping point and leave the doubtful questions behind? Thanks.....
Hey VioletSpark! Welcome to EC! As for the part of you wondering if you are wrong, you already have the answer Most people (including me ) who eventually come out do have a phase where you have that fear of being wrong. For me, it took some time, but i eventually realized i always felt that way, i don't think i will change, and it is ok to be the way i am. As time passed, i became used to the idea and now i am confortable with myself. I know the thought of being something else than what society tells us to be is scary. But you will realize that it is ok, and you are who you are. Try thinking about this, but without pressing yourself. Take your time, take it slow. Try telling yourself: I am a lesbian (or I'm gay, or I'm not straight, whatever word you feel more confortable with). Do this describes you? Repeat it, try to get used to the thought, if you feel it describes you. Don't press yourself, this is only about you, there is no need to rush it. This may help you too: Empty Closets - Stages of Coming Out Congratulations on taking these huge steps! Hugs, we are here if you want to talk!
Thanks Chiroptera. I realize that I have the answer already. I'm 98% positive that I like girls and that's that. The other 2% is trying to convince me otherwise. As far as the words? I still am so uncomfortable with nearly all "private" words and "bedroom" words.... all I can tell myself so far is "I like girls." I worry that I'm sounding rather juvenile, and maybe in this area, I am. I'm a writer, and never have I felt so uncomfortable with words! Thank you too, for the stages of coming out - that was tremendously helpful! I'm sure I'll be frequenting the forums rather frequently.... at least for now Thanks again for the reply!
