Okay so sorry this is long. But basically I come from a really open minded family, loving supportive parents and have relations who are out as being gay and in committed relationships. I have nothing against the lgbt community. But for about a year now the idea that i might be a lesbian has been terrifying me. I remember being younger, maybe 8 or 9 and not wanting to get changed in the girls dressing room with the others, looking back i was so weird and awkward about the whole thing. It's hard to describe i felt guilty and embarrassed and i just felt really bad the entire time. Anyway fast forward to last year, a close friend of mine mentioned that she had 'done stuff' with another girl before. I asked her if she liked it to which she replied 'yes' i asked her if she thought she could be gay or bi or something and she said 'no, because it's different kissing guys, this was just friendly.' Anyway next thing she says 'I'll show you' and leans in to kiss me. I swear to god i had a panic attack. I mean i laughed it off and pushed her away before she could but i was shaking so hard and i couldn't breath. I at fifteen had never kissed a guy, never been in a relationship with a guy and now at sixteen that hasn't changed. But ever since that night i could not stop thinking about the fact that i nearly kissed her. I've had some really freaky dreams and thoughts since then, and have basically been a nervous wreck. I remember talking about marriage with my mom and i accidentally said 'she' one time instead of 'he'. I cannot describe how terrified i was in that moment, like my mom has nothing against gay marriage but i was just scared that that pronoun came out of my mouth so easily. I cannot be a lesbian. I really really really don't want to be one. I want kids, I want a normal life. I don't want to be the gay sister, the gay daughter. I cannot stand the idea of me being gay. I have nothing against other gay people, i just really can't deal with this happening to me. I thought whatever all this was it would go away but its hasn't and I've resorted to this forum. I like to think i'm mature, emotionally stable and every time i try and rationalize all this i bawl like a baby. I had literally been alone crying for two hours before i wrote this. I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I don't know what to do and i am so so scared. Can someone help me please because i'm panicking. Am i lesbian? What's happening to me? How can i just stop it? I really really do not want to be gay. Sorry this is so long. Thanks
Okay, calm down, deep breaths. You need to ask yourself if this is extremely important. It's not life or death and you have plenty of time to figure it out. Make sure you think about attractions and crushes, have you ever had a crush on a guy, a girl? Etc... Basic questions you will sort it out! Good luck! If you ever want a chat feel free I am available!
I can guarantee you most teenagers worry about being gay at one point or another. Wanting to kiss a girl and saying a pronoun doesn't make you gay, gay is being exclusively attracted to the same sex you pertain to. Do you find yourself attracted to boys? If you answer is yes, you aren't a lesbian. You could be going through a phase, you could be bisexual, you could be straight, or you could be gay, but really it doesn't matter. You are who you are and there's no way to change it, so, while I know this is hard, you need to stop worrying. You'll grow into whatever sexuality you are and there's no way of changing who you're attracted to, stressing about it won't achieve anything.
I can guarantee you most teenagers worry about being gay at one point or another. Wanting to kiss a girl and saying a pronoun doesn't make you gay, gay is being exclusively attracted to the same sex you pertain to. Do you find yourself attracted to boys? If you answer is yes, you aren't a lesbian. You could be going through a phase, you could be bisexual, you could be straight, or you could be gay, but really it doesn't matter. You are who you are and there's no way to change it, so, while I know this is hard, you need to stop worrying. You'll grow into whatever sexuality you are and there's no way of changing who you're attracted to, stressing about it won't achieve anything.
As others have said, you might be gay, or you might not be. If, over the course of a long period, your crushes and fantasies tend to point one way more than another, that is what you should listen to. If you are gay, then that's fine. Yes, a lot of us have had to grieve for things that might mean we're giving up, such as children. But at the end of the day, you can absolutely still meet someone you love, and you can still have children, either your own or adopted. You won't always be the gay sister or the gay daughter. You've said that your family are pretty liberal, and that's great. If you conclude that you are gay, you will still be the same person, and your family will still be the same people. Your relationships with your family don't need to change as a result. You can still be the same sister and daughter. I haven't told my family about myself yet, but none of the friends I've told have behaved any differently at all as a result of my coming out. I spent years telling myself that I had freely considered the possibility that I might be gay, and decided that I wasn't. But really I think I just wanted to tell myself that I had concluded I wasn't gay, without really facing up to the possibility as much as I should have. You might think that you will find it difficult to be happy being gay. Most gay people in Western society don't have that problem, and live happy lives with people they love and wouldn't want to change. By far the harder thing is to be happy while pretending to be something that you're not. Just take it easy, look at things frankly, and try really hard to be honest with yourself. You should be alright. I saw this video today, and thought it might help. [YOUTUBE]WYodBfRxKWI[/YOUTUBE]
