I thought I found who I was but now I'm back to square one?

Hey guys! This is gonna be a long story so thank you in advance for your patience!
TL;DR: Sexually attracted to women since childhood but suppressed it. Attracted to boys throughout school. No feeling when touching and kissing boys I'm attracted to. Had a huge crush on a girl in college. Kissed another girl and felt amazing. Slept with a girl and now finding myself sexually attracted to boys!

So I've always noticed that I had a sexual curiosity toward women ever since I was little. I would find myself feeling excited when seeing naked female bodies, to the point that I would seek them out in magazines, comics, TV shows, etc. I remember masturbating to my barbie doll and feeling a tremendous amount of guilt after doing so when I was very young. In fact, whenever I masturbated to females or look at females sexually, I would feel extremely guilty and would block those memories out of my brain. I remember not being able to watch certain TV shows and going on lingerie websites when I was little because of the guilt from curiosity/arousal (?). My first kiss was with a girl and I didn't like it, and I felt very guilty for doing it because it was a strange sensation because it happened when I was really young. I don't know if the guilt and curiosity came from that initial kiss, but from then on, I would feel excited when presented with sexual situations with females, such as when showering with my cousin (wanting to touch her), seeing my cousin sleeping with only underwear on (I couldn't stop staring to the point that I had to remove myself from the room to find relief), etc.

But at the same time, I've always had crushes on boys. Ever since kindergarten, and until high school. I never dated any boys, because I was shy, but I remember liking boys very easily. I could see a boy on the street and fantasize these romantic situations with him, like stuffs I've read from books. I was still looking at females, like catching myself looking at their boobs, evaluating their size, etc. It never crossed me that it was abnormal, because I was finding boys attractive. I had "adorations" for 2 girls, they were cool and masculine, and I remember thinking "Wow she's so cool I want to be her friend and be around her". Then one day in high school I had a thought in my head that I must be a lesbian, because I started remembering these little memories which I have suppressed for so long. I became depressed, and started suppressing my feelings for boys, since "I must be gay etc."

I eventually started finding tomboys attractive, not sure if it was because I was truly attracted to them, or I was forcing myself to. At the same time, I also started experimenting with boys. I would feel weird when they touch me, like no "tingly" feelings, but I disregard them because I wasn't attracted to them. Then I went to college with an open-mind that I have no label, and was meeting attractive boys, and was kissing and letting them touch me etc. and I could still feel nothing. I remember finding a boy super attractive and we had good conversations which led to a date and we were holding hands and we kissed, but I was not into him, although he was perfectly nice and handsome and I was attracted to his appearance. I felt anxious before the date, and although it went well, I remember feeling rather relief that we didn't continue.

Right around this time, I had a crush on a girl. It was a massive crush, and it felt similar to the crushes I had with the boys in middle school (and that was the last time I had a crush on boys). I never questioned those feelings, because I was happy and feeling out of control. I would be tongue-tied around this girl, and always wanted to be within her sight. I always wanted to get closer to her, and I wanted to touch her so much that I had to stop myself. It wasn't because I was sexually attracted to her (like I was curious about having sex with her), although maybe a little; I checked her out a few times I think. (It's usually very quick with girls and it's never an internal dialogue like "Oh I like her butt etc" like how it usually is with the boys.) We hung out and I was so happy to be around her that I didn't care where we were, as long as I could be with her. Unfortunately, I decided to cut it off because I felt too overwhelmed and I wanted to play games but at the same time, she also had a few vices that I couldn't tolerate. We never got a chance to properly get to know each other because we were never alone, but the chemistry was so real that I remember feeling sad when we were not talking and happy when I saw her. Other people, even strangers, could noticed it within me.

It took me awhile to get over her, because it was the first time I was so happy in so long. Maybe because it was the first time I ever had the full courage to pursue someone I liked. It took me a long time and a depression to accept the idea that I might not be straight. I started experimenting with guys again, kissing cute guys, letting them touch me, but I still couldn't feel anything. I found them physically attractive, but when we touch, I'd feel turn off. We would have good conversations too, and I would feel very comfortable around them. Perhaps because I was limiting myself, because I was still hung up on this girl. I also kissed another girl while kissing these dudes, and for the first time ever, I knew what "fireworks" mean. It was the most innocent kiss I've ever had, only a peck on the lips, and I was not expecting anything from it. But it felt so good that I wanted more, and I couldn't stop thinking about it for a days. Had the girl not been my best friend, I would have taken her to bed! It was something I'd never experienced with a guy before, no matter how attractive and nice they were.

Then I started seeing this girl. I was still not completely over my first girl, but I thought this one was cute so I asked her out. Our interaction was a little too fast; I learned too much about before actually went on a date, and I felt like my impression of her was tainted. I was still questioning myself, and was missing the chemistry I had with the first girl, and I guess I wanted to make this new girl into that girl, or date this new girl to make the other one jealous. We slept together and I didn't know how to feel. Physically, it was great. I'd never slept with anyone but I was surprised with how my body would react when she touched me, even in places that were not erotic. Emotionally, I was confused as hell. I was not into her, and I remember thinking "Is it because I'm more into men than I thought?" I'd never slept with a man, and that thought eventually became a torture. I couldn't be around her without feeling anxious that I might be more into men, and I didn't want to lead her on, etc. I broke it off with her because my anxiety was trying me insane, and although I wanted to make it work, we couldn't go on anymore.

Suddenly I started finding men attractive, any guy on the street, as long as he's a guy, I'm attracted to him. I have no standard. My friends are baffled by this, and I know I'm in a very vulnerable position. I think I just want to sleep with them, or make sure that I'm not attracted to them in anyway, so that I can move forward or allow myself to fully accept the idea that I might be more into women.

I like the attention the men give me. And I'm finding all of them attractive. I'm also slowly recognizing the idea that I'm physically attracted to girls, although I'm still not entirely convinced, and too emotionally exhausted to continue experimenting with girls. I feel like with girls, there is a higher stake. With boys, I'm willing to fling myself at anything of them and get physical. But that's not a good indicator if I'm attracted to either sex, I want a loving relationship, and at this point, I don't think I can allow myself to find it in a girl. I fantasize about it, but in reality, I'm still too fearful and disappointed from my misplaced feelings for these girls. I'm beginning to lose interest in them, although physically I'm still noticing them, but I'm not allowing myself to feel anything with them. I still want to interact with queer girls, and I feel like I'm starting to "ping", because straight (?) girls look at me and feel anxious around me now, same with men, although I still dress and behave the same way... Or maybe I just give no shit anymore after all these failed attempts at attracting women, so my natural "vibe" just comes out without me noticing, I don't even know what my natural "vibe" is since it's been changing so much.

I'm still not fully accept the idea that I might be into women. I'm basically confused as to whether or not I like the idea of women, of the idea of men, or if my attraction toward either were from force. I wanted to fall in love with a girl so that I can find concrete proofs, but I'm also open and actually seeking out love with a boy, so that I can forget all about this sexual confusion and perhaps attraction toward women altogether. I'm feeling strange energy around men, like I'm being pulled toward them, and I feel nothing toward women, although I still watch them when I'm not rationalizing anything. At this point, I don't know if I can date a girl, due to the female characteristics (we're all a little bit unstable and cliquey and I can't stand that!), and it still weirds me out when I think about being with a girl emotionally. I'm basically either so deep in denial or confused me so much that I've lost my true instinct. I don't even know what to do with myself, and I'm afraid I might never allow myself to get closer to a girl again. For some reason I still want to impress women instead of men, maybe because I'm still holding on to this small strange hope that I might find her someday, although that day would probably make my life officially hell.

I've made this confusion public to all my friends and even strangers and a few of my family members know, and so far everybody has been very supportive. I've been basically telling this shit to any ears available yet mine are still refusing to hear my words. Either I'm no longer curious but still want the attention from women, or I'm running away from my true feelings for either or both sexes. This sudden sexual attraction toward men is confusing me so much, even after all the experimentations, so it's either innate or I'm still desperately in denial somehow.

I don't know if any of you good give some inputs or your experiences. At this point I don't really care if I came out as straight or gay or bi or whatever. I just can't stop thinking about it and would love for it to stop.

 

I guess the one thing that threw me off in all of this is all the experiments I had with both boys and girls. I kissed boys who I found attractive and those kisses never excited me. I kissed a girl who I wasn't even emotionally attracted to and it was magic. It was the first time I ever wanted more, but I'm hesitant to do more things with girls after this. I'm sort of emotionally scarred, although I did it upon myself. I don't think I'll ever allow myself to be in the present with a girl unless I basically go "Fuck it", which was my mentality when going in for the kiss. With this recent girl, I couldn't be with her without all my projections of leading her on and "What if I liked boys more" etc... Plus I was also thinking about the other girl and it was just a very bad-timing I think. But now I'm able to let go of both of those girls because I'm so emotionally exhausted and discouraged after all these efforts of understanding myself.

I'm not turned on by lesbian or gay porn, although I tend to watch the girl in straight porn; but I know porn is not a good indicator of anything.

 

Maybe I am still deeply in denial. My biggest challenge is to completely let go of my fears and suppression of whatever feelings and stop overanalyzing and projecting my feelings. Maybe I am still resisting the idea I might like girls, but right now I feel so uninterested in girls. I don't know why I fear the idea of liking girls, or guys, that much. From looking at erotic pictures, I am definitely feeling something for girls' bodies. I might be resisting it intellectually still, I can hear my brain going "No! But it's a girl! Why are you with a girl? You should be with a boy!", which was what I was thinking when I was seeing this girl. But when I look at boy's physique, it's like "Hmm I'm curious..." and that was the idea that made me feel guilty when I was with this girl. I don't know why I can't t just make out with girls without a care in the world like other college girls and why it's so hard for me to admit that I like them at least sexually, but I also don't want to negate these experiences I had with girls in the past.