Hi everyone. I'm new here and have just begun to recognize and accept that I'm definitely not straight. I've been so confused. I've only ever dated guys, but I've been physically and sexually attracted to women for years. If it were just based on this, I'd definitely say was gay. I had sex with a boyfriend I had in college, but I don't think I ever really enjoyed it. It always seemed like something I had to do rather than wanted to. I never really initiated, and always kind of just wanted to get it over with. I've only ever kissed other boyfriends and guys, but it was the same there--I just couldn't get into it. I didn't want to keep going the way my partners did. The guys seemed to have picked up on it too. My most serious boyfriend told me when we broke up that he felt like I was never really attracted to him. Another guy (that I only made out with) even asked my friend if I was gay because I guess I didn't seem into it. In some ways, I've liked being with guys--I've always felt it was easier to talk to them and have always been more emotionally close to my boyfriends and platonic guy friends. I've never had friendships with women that were as emotionally close as they have been with men. I've just never felt as comfortable with them in that way. I'm always sort of held back with my female friends, but I'm not sure why. Sometimes I think maybe it is because I've been afraid I might get too close and develop more than friendly feelings for them. But I'm not sure. Sexually, I don't miss being with men. I haven't even been attracted to a man in years, literally. But I'm pretty much attracted to women on a daily basis. When I have fantasies, I get so aroused and turned on--in a way I never have with men. If I masturbate, I can't get anywhere if I think about a guy, but women? Always. I swear, I'm like a million times more attracted to them. But when I think about being in a relationship with a woman, I'm not sure. It is hard to imagine since I've never even had a truly close female friendship. I don't yet know entirely why, but the thought of being in a relationship with a woman terrifies me. And such a thing is not accepted by so many people, and I wonder if I could really put myself in that situation. I want people to accept who am, to like who am. I don't people to be disgusted by me or to think there is something bad or wrong with me. I don't know what to do. This all so confusing to work through. Does it sound like I'm gay? What should I do now? A part of me wants to at least try dating women, but the thought makes me so nervous and so scared.
Obviously only you can tell what you're orientation is but it sounds pretty obvious to me from what you say that you're attracted to women! But I understand your fear. I have some similar feelings -- I feel scared of being with a woman and have a hard time picturing an actual relationship with a woman even though I can picture it sexually. And I also have this issue of wanting people to accept me. I like to think that if I finally decided I was definitely bi I'd be out and people would just have to live with it but then I think about some people at work who are very conservative and I get scared. You shouldn't let homophobia and disapproval keep you from being yourself, but I know that's easy to say and hard to do. But yeah I can relate to a lot of what you are saying... Maybe if you have a way to just meet lesbian women, like at a group discussion or something like that, without the pressure of dating at first, it would be easier for you?
Just based on what you wrote you sound gay to me. When I started questioning things just seem to unfold for me over time. The more open I was to the idea that I could be gay, the more I could remember about things throughout my life that pointed to it. I have had several close female friends over my life. One actually told me that she wished one of us could be a guy... we would be so perfect together. I know my other friends have picked up on this part of me that liked women. I remember laying in a bed with a different friend... we were just waking up and I was just staring at her... I wasnt even conscious of it. She stared back for a minute and rolled over. I remember thinking "omg she probably thought I wanted to do something". I'm pretty sure if she made a move on me I would have gone with it. The thing with you never having been close with women kinda throws me a bit. Not really sure what to make of that, but yeah at first blush I thought "gay"
