Weird excitement which will probably lead to nothing...

For the past couple of days I've been feeling really excited about the possibility that I'm not straight, and even wondering a little bit if I have a crush on one of my (female) online friends. I'm trying not to indulge in the crush part because she definitely doesn't have feelings like that for me and I'm never going to meet her in real life anyway, but I just feel... excited. In a positive way, but also a negative way, and I couldn't sleep last night and called in sick to work. (That wasn't the only reason I called in, and I'm not in any trouble at work, so don't get the wrong idea that I'm ruining my life.)

However this same sort of feeling happened back in the spring, and I went to a group discussion at the Gay and Lesbian Center (which I had been to before) and as soon as I got there I kept thinking, "You are a total fake and you are not attracted to women and you only have Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder." And I was just terrified, and felt like I'd done a horrible thing. Which doesn't even really make sense because even if I am straight I went there due to honest feelings and the women there probably wouldn't have been angry with me if they could read my mind. I had told this woman at work who is a lesbian that I thought I might be gay (I was afraid to say bi I think... that's a whole different story) and was going to the group and I had to have a really embarrassing conversation with her the next day when she asked how it went.

I guess there's really nothing I can do, I'm never going to know for sure unless I find a woman I can be with and that's almost impossible, plus I'm afraid to get involved with anyone because what if it turns out I am straight, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

But somehow I feel like I just want to talk to people about this so much, and I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it. (The woman at work doesn't work there anymore.) I'm worried I'm going to tell someone inappropriate just to have someone to unload to. I'm thinking of looking up my old therapist... but maybe that's because she definitely thinks I should try going out with women and I like hearing that.

 

Thank you. I think I do need to connect on an emotional level first. Not sure I was always like that but I feel that way now.

I think I should date women, but the truth is I don't think I can get a date. I try not to feel sorry for myself about that but it's just a fact.

But yeah I do need to make friends. I hope I can find a way to get out of the house and meet people.

(*hug*)

 

Thank you! A few years back I tried getting into things, went to groups and even bars. And I was in a women's "coming out" group for a while but everyone there a) was lesbian and not bi and b) knew 100% for sure they were and was only struggling with coming out to other people, so I ended up feeling like a fake again and dropping out though I feel pretty bad about it now.

Anyway my point is that there is plenty of stuff like that around here. I might have to take Uber or something to get there but it exists. I'd just have to get the nerve to try this over again. I don't want to set myself up for another experience like the last time.

Flirting with women sounds fun, actually. Though I think a woman would have to start flirting with me first. I'd be a little afraid to start it.

I think part of the problem is that I go women's groups or bars and I look around and start panicking and saying (to myself) "I'm not attracted to these women! I'm a big fake!" even though I'm sure I would say the same thing about a group of men because I very seldom look at someone and say "boom, I'm attracted!" Also I'm pretty old and look older and am not exactly beautiful, so that makes me wonder if there's any hope.

Anyway I didn't mean to ramble on and on. I do appreciate the help, very much.

(&&&)

 

Thank you, that's very nice of you to say. I think I'm a pretty nice person. If I could meet people who share my nerdy hobbies that would be a plus, whether they are dating material or not.

I looked at the lgbt center website and there are still the same women's groups. They say they are open to all LGBTQ women, but I've dropped in before and it seemed like everyone identified as lesbian. (Which is fine, just... I felt out of place.) There is a bi group but very few people show up for it.

But like I said the last time I went to a group there I told myself I was straight and had HOCD, and didn't belong there and could never go back, so I'm pretty scared to try it. If the same thing happens again I'm going to feel horrible. I keep thinking it means something that I keep feeling I'm not straight but... maybe it doesn't.

But I'm not trying to knock down all your advice! I appreciate it and I am going to keep an eye out for groups I might be able to go to.