I have OCD. It's so severe I had to drop out of school. I'm 23 years old, and recently my OCD has been about sexual orientation. Here are some facts about me... -I grew up boy crazy (still am) and was on anti-depressants all of college but only truly enjoyed sex with one guy out of a few. Granted, many of my sexual encounters were drunk. Right now, I'm seeing a guy and when I'm around him my body hums with excitement and I have been fantasizing about him but then I will push the thoughts out of my head and my brain will tell me "you're just forcing yourself to feel this way" -I also grew up feeling attracted to women (Disney movies, Archie comics, discovered girl on girl erotica) but still would feel attracted to men -Never even considered or had the desire to try things with a woman romantically or sexually even really -When my roommate was making moaning sounds the other day, I got turned on -I watched L word and real L word but would skip around only for sex scenes. Same with orange is the new black -Just like the female body in general. I feel like I'm so aware of what is pretty and what isn't on females and I know I have confidence issues about the way I look so maybe that's why but maybe it's more who knows -I get really turned on/weird/curious when I see someone who is clearly lesbian (androgynous) -I read romance novels and am extremely turned on by males and the guy's dirty talk and have found when I'm drunk or just out and about in general, I get nervous around guys. I want to impress guys. I day dream about guys. -I've really only had sex while I was sober once and never not when I was on medication but my brain dismisses anything that suggests I wouldn't be gay and pushes every reason why I would be to the forefront -I told my sister these things recently and she has a boyfriend and says she finds the female form more attractive/used to look at playboys -I can look at a guy and be completely taken by him I'm just not like oooo abs so sexy? guys bodies are stupid. Not gross but stupid -I feel like sometimes I'm turned on by one, sometimes I'm turned on by another -Sometimes my mind drifts to the crotch area of a woman, but I would never want to go down on one -Guy I like said something dirty to me in passing the other day and my face went flushed and I felt really turned on by it but my brain dismissed it -Despite just getting off anti-depressants for first time in 5 years, my hormones are messed up (got diagnosed with PMDD) and I just got put on birth control which is actually making my sex drive insane -Feel like I get weird whenever there is mention of lesbian or someone in the news dating a woman. Some people say this is a sign I want to be a part of it, but it really isn't. I think it might be my repressed sexual attraction coming into play maybe? I'm sorry this is so long. Please help me I'm really getting tired of thinking. I just want quiet in my brain.
To me, it sounds like you could maybe be bisexual heteroromantic? Or maybe your attraction to girls is aesthetic attraction? You said yourself it's not romantic or sexual, but some of it does sound sexual to me (like the stuff with girls you get turned on by). Would you ever consider having sex with a woman in a way that doesn't involve oral, since I know you said you don't want to do that, or are you turned off by the idea altogether?
I have OCD too and I can totally relate to what you're going through. I wish I could say, "Well, it's just your OCD, obviously you're ____" but it's not always that simple, and even if something is "just OCD" it can be so hard to get it out of your head. I feel hesitant to say anything since I'm not in your head. It does sound to me like you're honestly attracted to the guy you're seeing. Part of me wants to say "don't stress about labels and just live your life," but when people say that to me I feel like I can't do that so I totally understand your desire to figure this out.
I think the LGBT community is still taboo to many. Taboo subjects/culture/communities naturally interest many people (not all but many.) You could just be interested in understanding this community and understanding people who identify with these sexuality. I can't say if it's your OCD, I think you should talk to a therapist who specialize in OCD. You could be bisexual. You are obviously sexually and romantically interested in men. Women, i am not sure where you stand. You seem curious at least. Sometimes with anxiety... it can make you shut down to people also can make you not want to be sexual with people. Anxieties can interfere with your sex life and how much pleasure you derive from it. My advice is take your time and discuss this with your therapist. Your therapist should be able to help you figure out if your feelings for whichever sex is genuine. I also think you need to regain your sex life without alcohol. Have fun with this guy that you obviously (from your text) have "sparks" for.
