Bisexual heteroromantic - How to deal with Guilt and Shame?

This is little bit of a rough topic.

So I am aware of my sexual orientation. I'm fairly sexually aroused by females of any age, more between 25-40. I also feel tremendous romantic attractions towards females.

But there's also one other thing that's very prominent in me. I have a strong sexual desire to have sex with very old men. Not daddys, more like Grandpas older than 60. In my fantasies I am always top though. But like I said, absolutely no romantic feelings. Exclusively sexual.

But these sexual feelings are almost twice as strong as the sexual feelings I have for females. For females there's a different kind of sexual desire, that's very distinct and quite enjoyable for me. Plus it feels naturally and they get me going quite well.

But my sexual feelings for Old men are very compulsive urges. It's like a disease. It doesn't feel natural. I feel extremely uncomfortable satisfying myself to these thoughts, and I am accompanied with feelings of extreme guilt, shame and disgust.

It's a constunt struggle, it feels like I NEED it because I haven't had a satisfactory relationship with my father, so I somehow subconsciously compensate it with sexual fulfillment. After climaxing, I feel so extremely shameful. I can't imagine how horrible I would feel after actually seeking out sex.

I'm really desperate in how I should deal with these feelings and what kind of a lifestyle I should put myself into.

I would definitely prefer a healthy long-term relationship with a woman over anything else. But I know that sooner or later this compulsive desire will leave me being frustrated with anything if I don't give in. It controls my life and I want it to stop at all costs. I can not keep living like this. I don't want to hook-up with grandpas and have sex with them all the time just to feel sexual relief. It's not worth it.

 

Yes, I constantly watch porn. I know that these fantasies would not be healthy for a monogamous heterosexual relationship, but I have to accept them as a part of me and move on.

I'm not sure If I should ever act it out. I mean, I think I want to just once in my life. Just to see how it is. But only in 10 or 15 years.

I definitely know that I'm not homoromantic, so It would be pointless to be in a relationship with "daddies".

Do you go to therapy because of your urge for a surrogate father? I think I would definitely need to.