Hi everyone, Apologies for the length of this but I'm really struggling and hopefully you lovely lot can help me. I've looked at some other people's stories that are similar to mine and been really inspired and I don't feel quite so much like I'm alone but I'd like to share my story and see what people think. Sorry if you've heard it all before..... So I'm 24, and currently debating whether to come out fully as gay. Right now I'm questioning everything I've ever been through romantically and sexually and struggling to come to a conclusion. When I think about coming out I actually feel excited but I feel this need to be sure first. All my life I've always felt different, struggled to fit in, found it hard to make friends. Plus I was brought up in a very depressing Northern town where I lived up until 2 years ago which I always hated and didn't help the situation. From a young age I was always attracted to guys but never knew how to approach it. It's always usually been in fantasy (actors and characters) rather than real people. I've never been good at letting people know I like them, I think I've missed out on the lesson where you learn how to date and flirt. None of that has ever come naturally to me. I've very rarely been approached by men when in bars, I tend to think it's because I give off an independent (and maybe gay?)aura and possibly because I'm so bad at the dating/flirting game. I've never had a proper long term relationship it's always been fumbles, flings and one night stands with guys and I haven't done anything with a girl except kissing. I was bullied throughout school mainly by boys so I've maybe ended up with an aversion to dating guys from that. I've never particularly got on with men on a deep level (unless they are gay) and I've never enjoyed sex with men despite attraction and dating over time. But could this be that I just haven't found the right one? My attraction to females began at the age of 16 when I had a crush on a teacher. I wasn't freaked out, I enjoyed imagining sex with a woman etc. but then I just went back to fancying men. At 18 I thought I'd fallen for an older man. He kissed me and I got such an adrenaline rush. But it was an infatuation that didn't last I was only seeing his good points and ignoring the fact that he was an idiot. We must have had chemistry to have that reaction to the kiss though, surely? After that at age 20 I met a girl whilst on a 3 week trip. During that time we spent every day together and I developed feelings for her. We had a lot in common and she was gorgeous but it wasn't instant, it built up over getting to know her. Nothing happened, she's straight and I kept it to myself. Again I was excited more than freaked out. After that there was no one. I was living in a town I didn't want to be in and I cut myself from everyone, not really socialising or meeting people for a few years plus I was concentrating on my career so wasn't really interested in a relationship. At this time my attraction was still naturally gravitating towards guys but again it was all visual, if any guy started actually chatting me up I'd either instantly dislike them or feel awkward and unsure but I never checked out girls either. At this time I had a lesbian friend telling me she could tell I was gay, I did wonder but just laughed it off. Then I moved to London and made the best friends I've ever made. Being a city full of all different people has changed me a lot. I've developed more confidence and am able to make friends easier. In my new friend group, I began to think I'd fallen in love with a girl. Our friendship is very close more than I've ever been with anyone so I got confused and thought it was love however realised eventually it was just platonic. I then realized I'd fallen for another girl in the group after I'd told everyone I liked the other one and after we'd been friends for a while and she was about to start uni. She's quite openly bisexual and our friends were telling me we had sexual chemistry which I just thought was "being good friends". Then she told me she'd kissed a guy we knew at a party and I felt the worst surge of jealousy I've ever had and thought I don't see her as just a friend anymore and suddenly my physical attraction for her exploded when there'd been no sign before and all I could do was think about being with her. I made the decision to tell her my feelings thinking she'd give me an answer straight away. I won't go into detail, it's too long but she hurt me very badly, not intentionally but the way she dealt with it was really bad. She never gave me a definite rejection, there were signs she liked me too but because of her new busy uni life and friends she ran away into that and cut me out of her life, maybe she was scared, I'll probably never know. We met up to try and make friends after not speaking for months. On seeing her my legs literally gave way and I was shaking and I realised I still loved her and my feelings weren't in my imagination, luckily she didn't see this. She told me she was busy but still wanted to be friends again, still not giving me an answer and still giving mixed signals. I should've asked but was too scared. My friends told me I needed to get over her so I have blocked her on all social media to try and forget but this is the craziest thing I've ever been through and I've found it very hard. It's now as if something has been unlocked, I am questioning everything in my life trying to figure out if I'm gay or if this is just a one off. She's the first person I've ever thought I want to be with. I thought about her constantly, wanted to have sex with her, I wanted know everything about her, meet her family, I thought about going on holiday with her, even a wedding and I've never had this with anyone, even the guy I thought I was in love with. On the night I told her how I felt we held hands the entire way home and it felt so right. I made a silly mistake because I was heartbroken and ended up having casual sex with a guy I met online. I wasn't attracted to him at all but felt like I needed to do it to find out if I still liked guys. It was the most awful experience, he physically hurt me and I felt sick the entire time and made the decision that from now on I'm only dating girls. I've been lucky to make friends with a gay guy and lesbian who have introduced me to the wonderful Soho and ignited a love for gay bars and clubs. I've been recently going to lesbian club nights and have loved it. Although I do feel like an absolute baby, I've never even attracted many men in clubs before so the idea of me trying to chat up girls seems impossible. A girl kissed me outside one night when I was just having a friendly chat and it felt great, but there wasn't particularly any sparks because I didn't really fancy her. I find I'm much more picky when it comes to girls I'm instantly attracted to. I've even been watching TV shows with gay girls in and being much more involved emotionally with the love stories and feeling like that is what I want my life to be. I have started looking at women in a sexual way when I never really have before and recently started buying and wearing certain clothes because I want to look more noticeably gay. But is this me just trying too hard? When I think about being with someone, waking up next to them, feeling butterflies when meeting them for a coffee etc. all I see now is a woman. Is it possible to have this kind of awakening later in life, when there was absolutely no sign of it for years? Shouldn't this have happened earlier and how do I account for all the men I've been attracted to all this time, is it just appreciation of beauty or actual attraction, I can't tell anymore. Can you have this long progression of "turning" gay?! I'm not afraid of being gay and coming out in fact so much of me is saying just do it, but I'm terrified my hetero past and lack of experience is going to put girls off me and what if I'm cutting myself off from a man who could be right for me? I just want to be sure before I take the plunge (no innuendo intended :icon_wink) I don't really want to identify as bisexual because you might as well hang a sign around your neck saying "don't date me", it's awful that bisexuality has such a bad rep but it does, I feel like I have enough going against me already. I've considered going to counselling but don't know if my university offers a specific LGBT service. I came on here because I'm at a loss as to what to do, the friends I can talk about it I don't see that often anymore, so I feel alone in terms of who I can talk to. This questioning is driving me mad, I'm losing sleep over it, I think about it all the time. What's worse is I can't seem to get over a girl I never even kissed and all I'm doing is comparing everyone to her! So as you can see my situation is very confusing there's signs I'm gay and signs I'm not, any advice and support will be greatly received, and I'll answer any questions, thanks for reading :help: :bang:
I disagree with you: I don't think there were no signs... I also used to be more into guys than I am now; back when guys were more androgynous I found it easier to try to like them. Once they went through puberty I no longer felt that attraction. There were a few times (when I still thought I was straight) that I'd see a boyish lesbian and wonder "if only I could find a guy like her..." I've heard from other women that they used to have crushes on boys when they were younger, but as they've gotten older they seem to have outgrown this phase. As for looking more noticeably gay, I worry about how this is perceived too; I don't want to look like "that girl who came out and then cut her hair and bought a bunch of buttondowns because she thought that's what she needed to do", even though that is definitely who I am. But sometimes it's really important to flag! And one of my favorite moments in the city was crossing a street, and a middle-aged butch-looking woman was crossing in the other direction. I was wearing sweat pants and short hair, so I guess I was noticeable, because we made eye contact and she did that eyebrow thing queers do that made me feel amazing, like we secretly acknowledged each other in passing and nobody else on the street was in on it! It was awesome. There are perks to looking "gay". But still: be authentic to yourself. If short hair doesn't suit you, or if you want to wear heels and a skirt, you do you. You can figure out your own way to flag.
I can totally relate to what you're going through. It's very hard being confused, and I'm also pretty scared of the "bisexual" label. And I also lose sleep wondering what's going on with me -- I thought I was the only one! It's good at least that you're able to admit your feelings for women. I hope you can work through that and come to a conclusion you're comfortable with.
Thank you so much guys for replying, I thought my story was far too crazy for everyone. Wanderinggirl: this is what is weird, before the age of 16 I was attracted to the manliest gruffest, older men you can imagine and I was never even the slightest curious about looking at other girls bodies but this could be because there was so much other stuff going on (hating where I lived, being bullied etc.) for me to have the opportunity. I think I'd be a sexuality psychologists wet dream! As for the dress sense etc. I'm not making drastic changes I'm wearing things I think I've always been most confident when wearing and the bonus is that it does give more "gay vibes" and I feel great. I don't want to change my hair or anything but I do feel I need to flag in some way and I'd love to experience the whole eyebrow thing, that's awesome. :icon_wink Womaninamber- its good to hear that I'm not alone, yes hopefully soon we'll get a clearer picture and sleep better! :sleep:
