Question to lesbians who have in some point had sex with a man

Hi,

I'm going through exactly the same, I still don't whether to exclusively identify as lesbian or not. From my experience, I am attracted to men but I've never really enjoyed sex with a man, same as you it's always felt more violating than exciting, I've often got the feeling that your pleasure is rarely taken into account and it's all about him. (Or maybe I'm just sleeping with the wrong guys, but if so why? maybe because I'm gay) I've always not gotten anything out of penetration and I've just laid back and thought of something else. Even foreplay has never been particularly good, I've come away feeling disappointed and that he's had a much better time than me. If you say you've been in a long term relationship then it's not just because it's the "wrong guy", if this is someone you've been in some way attracted to and had feelings for then I would say the signs that you are gay are there, but then again what do I know? I'm just as confused as you. It's nice to know others feel the same, hopefully we'll figure it out eventually

 

Same with me.

I never enjoy sex with men either. Never got out anything from penetration, as SamMurrai said "it felt more violating than exciting", and never felt relly into the foreplay part either. I even recalled being repulsed by his naked body a couple of times.
It was my boyfriend at the time who always initiated sex. I put the moment off as long as I could because it was something I wasn't looking forward to and, for me, always felt more like a let's-get-this-over-with thing.

That guy I had sex with, wasn't the wrong guy at all, so it wasn't his fault. Actually it was perfect for me in every way if I was attracted to guys and it was pretty frustatring for me at the time. At first I thought it was me, that was maybe asexual. It took me a while to realized what was going on: Guys weren't my cup of tea and that I've always been attracted to girls.

 

SO can relate. For me i didn't have a problem with a man's naked body...but i did that disgust mouth shape whenever they got naked and try to get sexual. I always felt violated after sex.. i also wasn't present during the sex. When we did have sex.. i wouldn't let the man touch me. I would end up just dealing with oral sex stuff or other stuff that involve only me touching the man. I can tell when a guy is really handsome and has amazing personality, I can love him for the person...but sex nah.

I really wanted to be with the guy... and i felt angry that i couldn't enjoy sex like most women do (who are sexually attracted to men.) I was in a very blah abusive relationship. So i thought maybe I was just projecting those negative emotions to the person. But, when i really thought about it. I was not holding onto anything from that relationship. I am still accepting my sexuality and still learning more about my sexuality. But, for now the label that best fits me is Lesbian.

 

I'm not exactly the person you're asking for because I don't identify as lesbian and I've never been with a woman, but I can relate to this thread a lot. When I've been with men I never got anything out of intercourse and not that much out of foreplay either. I wanted to do it and would initiate it but mostly because I liked the closeness and cuddling or because I thought I was supposed to enjoy it and I should just keep trying. I knew there were other women who didn't get much out of sex and I figured I was just one of them. Sometimes I still think that's all it is.

 

This is why I used to identify as a lesbian, but I figured that I could "learn to like" having sex with my on/off again boyfriend. I mean, it's okay, nothing really to brag about, which makes me wonder if I am really gay. And so, I keep trying to convince myself that I'm not gay by having sex with my boyfriend, which occurs like 1-3 times a month. Not only that, I have to think about women in order to become aroused :icon_redf

I think if you have to try and convince yourself that you're not [insert word] then you probably are, if that makes sense


This may help you Behind the Red Door: Your Heart Lies Where Your Mind Wanders

 

Yeah, it could be that you just don't enjoy sex. It's possible. I know people (straight and gay) who told me they weren't much into it either. I thought I was one of them too but after a lot of thinking, I realized that in my relationship with who was my boyfriend, there was something missing. I liked him and enjoyed his company but as a friend, not in a romantic way.

You can't imagine how many times I convinced myself I was straight and tried to find all sorts of justifications to my behaviour :bang:

 

It's really hard for me to just figure out what's going on. I don't think something was missing from my relationships emotionally but physically, definitely. And ever since I was younger I used to think maybe I was not straight, but whenever I would try to talk to anyone about it or go to support groups (which I did try) I felt like I was just a big fake and didn't belong so I tried to stop thinking about it. But I still think about it obviously so that's why I'm here.

 

Same here! I've always felt like something was missing, but I could never figure out what that 'something' was. Although, I will admit that I've felt sort of the same way being with women, more specifically girls that I wasn't even attracted to.

 

I haven't had sex with a man personally, but I want to say something. I think people are misunderstanding 'heterosexual sex' as 'penis penetrates vagina' when it doesn't even have to include that, and yes all the other things involving genitals still count as full sex to some heterosexual couples as well.

There are a lot of straight women out there that do not like intercourse, just like gay men disliking anal sex is not at all uncommon. It's unfortunate that our society tries to make such heavily restrictions on what 'sex' really is to the point that these women feel damaged or that they have to feel gay just because they don't like a particular act.

I also don't think being penetrated has to feel submissive, It's more so the attitude. There are dominatrixes out there that like being penetrated and to them it isn't violating; if anything they control the man and turn him into their bitch despite the fact a penis enters them. It's about attitude, and if you're not enthusiastic enough, know how to be a dominant bottom, or are with a jerk 'alpha male' type, It's going to feel degrading. In fact, most penetration is degrading because of how out society teaches it; but if hetero relationships had less gender roles it would be more of an equal act mentally.

So It's possible that you could be gay, or It's just possible that you don't like vaginal intercourse, which could still make bisexuality valid. It's possible that your relationship feels heteronormative and unequal which could make being with a woman more appealing. I don't have the answers really. Of course anyone in this position could absolutely be a lesbian, but it saddens me how limited our culture thinks about heterosexuality to the point that not liking one specific thing = Gay

 

Sex with men was boring for me ; When I saw them naked I didn't experience any attraction ,and it was kinda like looking at a rug on the floor . When I was having sex with this guy once, I just thought man i just want to hurry up and go home .
Even touching his penis was not pleasant and uncomfortable plus a bit gross since semen came out of it . I had to force myself to do it in fact the whole sex act, I have to force myself to do everything . It felt like torture ,and it didn't feel worth it . It wasn't like what other women told me it would be like .
Before this I didn't feel sexual attraction to men at all, the only thing I could do is notice their handsome or good looking so I labeled myself bisexual because of that and the fact that I got turned on by gay porn .
But when I saw some video about women who said they were lesbians ,but enjoyed sex with men , it made me wonder how come I'm bi and don't enjoy sex with men or feel any attraction to men . It made me question my sexuality the funny thing was when I saw the video I would think wow I'm bi and more lesbian than the 3 of those women put together because I could go without having sex with a guy , I didn't want to have sex with men and nor did I desire or crave it . The only sex I ever desired and crave were women .
I ended up asking a question here on EC , and the girls told me I was indeed a lesbian. I didn't want to believe them at first but then after a while I realized I'm just gay and need to accept it .
I remember that night when I slept with that guy I was so mad at myself for not being attracted to him or not being able to enjoy sex with him I felt so useless and broken . The weirdest thing is at the time I had mixed feelings of hatred for myself for doing something I didn't want to do and for not being able to enjoy sex with a guy .

---------- Post added 14th Dec 2014 at 07:23 PM ----------

I can really relate to you seeking you and I seem a like . Minus the abusive relationship , I had good boyfriends but I just couldn't deal .

---------- Post added 14th Dec 2014 at 07:26 PM ----------

I almost when down this path a few times . Still trying to say I'm not a lesbian let me try and sex with a man again maybe I'll like it this time .
:icon_sad:

 

I was the same way many years ago, trying to engage in sexual contact with guys hoping that I'll enjoy it this time. I was really frustrated related to one guy in particular during high school that I thought I was in love with. I really wanted it to work with this guy, and not just to be someone elses idea of normal or morally right.

Although I'm currently dating a guy now many years later, the first time we had any physical contact it never felt like I was trying to like it, never felt forced. In fact it had felt as natural as being with a woman. In fact I was the one who initiated things, I was the assertive one, which confused the heck out of him at the time.

I'm hoping for the day when people can be with whoever they want to be with, without having to try to make things work with other people that they don't feel comfortable with, just to satisfy other peoples definition of what they should be.

 

i agree with this but I don't want to be with men at all , I just wish the I didn't feel so much pressure to be straight . I wish there just wasn't so much pressure from society to be heterosexual .

 

This is just my opinion, but if you don't mentally enjoy being with a man. Then you have to analyze if you didn't mentally enjoy being with all the men you have been with. To me if you haven't mentally enjoyed being with any man, i would consider that pointing to that you had no sexual attraction. But, only you can determine your sexuality.

If you have sexual attraction to some men, you can be bisexual and just lean more toward women.

Not all straight women like giving oral nor do all like penetration. But, they still get something out of it emotionally and mentally. They did a study and penetration alone doesn't make every woman have an orgasm. I would really look at how you feel mentally during sex with men.

When i was with men, i hate it... i mean i really hate it. I don't know how else to describe it than that i just had such a strong dislike being sexual with a man. I didn't hate or dislike the man....I really liked the guy (guys) for who they were. I just heavily disliked being sexual with them.

My advice is take your time figuring out your sexuality and just be with whoever you are drawn to. As you get older you may become more confident in what your sexuality is or you may learn something new about your sexuality.

 

I've been with my husband for nearly 17 years now, and came out only recently. I had told him in the early days I thought I might be a bit bi (play it down and make it seem less important...) but any time he tried to make me open up about that side of me I just couldn't do it. It was private and it was protected and I didn't want to think about it.

We have had a reasonable sex life. I always thought the whole thing was a bit weird though. I do (or did) still manage to respond strongly to sexual touch and become aroused but in hindsight it was more to do with our emotional connection than any sexual desire on my part. I don't like willies. (No offence chaps, I just don't.) My physical responses to him were strong, but I suspect more to do with my need to find release than anything else. It was, for a very long time, like two people using each other to get their own orgasm. For me, anyway. But envisaging the act makes me feel all weird and wrong, what's all that thrusting and jabbing about anyway?

Since I came out to him - we have tried a couple of times. But now it just seems really weird and really wrong and I felt so awful after the last time through guilt and anxiety and the feeling that I was betraying myself that we know we can't ever do it again.

But I am now feeling all these feels and having all these fantasies and am so full of happiness that I can feel all of these things now, like I unlocked it and it's free - it's just devastating that they can't be found with him because he's an incredible guy.

I'm really really gay. I am flowing with gay. I just never realised before. It was too well buried in a desire to not rock any boats or risk any rejections.

 

I agree with seeking. If you didn't like sex with men because you weren't physically and mentally there during sex, there's no sexual attraction towards them, then.

From what you said, in my opinion (correct me if I'm wrong, please ) you don't seem to really enjoy sex with men. I used to do exactly the same thing. To have sex just because it's what you have to do in a relationship or because my exbf wanted to and never because I felt like it.

Same here :icon_bigg Since I realized I was gay, everything feels great, more natural. It was liberating.

 

Reading all of these comments makes me feel super bi because even though I normally fantasize about women and am more attracted to women I have had sex with men before and did somewhat crave and enjoy it (I think my stress levels have stopped me from enjoying it more, same with my experiences with women).

Now mostly this happens when I'm drunk (or feeling really relaxed, like I said stress issues) but I'll just feel pulled to certain men and want to touch them lol and sleep with them. The last guy I was with was funny because my head was saying no no no because I was trying to convince myself I was a lesbian, he's old enough to be my father, I work with him (and he isn't the first guy there I've slept with, oops) and there were about 10 people in the next room, some of which were children. My body on the other hand was all YES!!! I need this now!!!

I've always thought though, or been told that anyone in situations like that would be turned on, which made me think I was still a lesbian considering my attraction and fantasies about women. Though I guess that's not the case :0