I will start by saying what I feel attracted to and have felt attracted to over time, and then touch on the other stuff. Ever since I was a little girl I liked boys that were good and kind and artistic and gentle. Around age 7-8, I started noticing not in a sexual way but the "they have these things" way the fact that boys and girls have parts that make them look different. I also didn't know that secret admirer meant you liked them. But I still got that /dang/ every time I noticed a woman with big breasts. Was it because of the breasts though or was it because of my afterthought: "I'll never look like her."? As I aged, I lived in terror of anyone finding this out or the romantic feelings I had for the opposite sex out. I was basically afraid of rejection and being made fun of for what I could enjoy with someone else or what I wanted. I used to think I knew where it was all coming from. But then in therapy I remembered stuff that could have affected it all..... I was forced to watch dirty music videos and soft porn when I was ten, though I begged them to stop and change the channel because the content was just no. Girl on boy, girl on girl, boys bossing around and fighting with women. I still do not know to this day why I had the reaction of both fear and arousal. It was highly insinuated that this is what women act like if they want to have children. After that, I started fearing maybe he knew something about me that I didn't because he said I wanted to see it, fearing I was bisexual and that would be used against me, and saying I'd never have children. Am I letting someone else's sick desires dictate my sexuality? I know now that bisexuals do not have to act like the women did on the screen or have threesomes. The thing is if I did engage in same sex relations I wouldn't enjoy it mentally. Only somewhat physically. I would enjoy everything with a man as long as they didn't force me to do it. And my blushing is only when a cute boy comes into the picture. And if I did do anything with the same sex I feel like it would be a way of saying the boy won after all......that he got what he wanted. I'm not doing well with this and I need help.
I think you still need time to figure yourself out, but I believe that you have to mentally enjoy sex. If you feel or know you will not mentally enjoy being with a woman. Then I would think you are straight. When you have been sexually abuse/violated (however you want to say it), what it leaves behind is anxiety and fear. People who are sexually abused/violated still have strong desires to be with the sex they prefer. The person just feels anxiety and fear when they have to act out those desires....those fears and anxieties usually have to deal with being taken advantage of again, loosing their footing, or history repeating itself. My advice is to seek out a counselor/therapist to help you work through the past and know who you are. You have to look for consistent emotions/sexual desires. If whichever emotion/sexual desire is consistent. Then analyze that consistent emotion/sexual desire to figure out where it is coming from. I believe you can look at someone who you are not attracted to and be able to tell they are beautiful or got great assets/features without being a certain sexuality. (this is just my opinion and my advice on how to approach this)
