I read in a book, maybe it was by one of those "survivor spouse" groups, that people who are bi or "slightly" gay only stay where they are or get more gay as they age, not more straight. is that true? or is it homophobic? Personally, I could say that when I was in my 20's, I put a lot of energy into denying my gayness, and always dressing and acting masculine. I had enough sexual capacity to perform with women, so I believed that I was straight, or maybe bi. The more comfortable I get with my real identity, the less energy I put into acting straight, and lying to myself. I also had less and less ability to perform with women, until I got to the point where I could only have sexual intimacy with men. Is that a reflection of becoming "gayer" or just accepting who I am? Now, in fact, I love to use little accents that suggest my identity for anyone who cares to notice. Has anyone else had this experience of moving along the spectrum? And is it really a matter of moving along a spectrum, or just a case of getting honest?
I think what they are referring to is not really a transition in who one actually is but more a movement towards being more comfortable with it. I know I initially thought I was bi (and actually just figured I would be with women because it would be easier) until I became comfortable with the idea of being with a man. Once I did all those feelings I thought I had for women virtually evaporated almost over night. I haven't been with a woman or really even looked at one that way for over 20 years. I actually know a lot of guys who initially identified as bi and who now identify as gay. Most of them would say that there hasn't actually been a shift in their attraction but more just a gradual process of becoming comfortable with being gay.
I don't think you get gayer. But you do get more comfortable with, and accepting of, your, uh, gayness. So the more comfortable you are, the more whatever you've been repressing tends to come out... so mannerisms, comments, things like that just become more natural.
I think gays and lesbians begin to have sex with the opposite sex early on is like a survival technique ,because if we didn't act straight we all knew that there were consequences for that and we would lose rights and other things. So the fear kept us in line we're not always aware of it . Then when you let go of it you get more comfortable with who you really are so it seems like you're getting gayer or more gay. Humans have survival instincts .
You don't get gayer, you just accept yourself for who you are, let go of the things you have no control of. You live once, for God's sake, just love people.
When I came out, I actually tried to act what I perceived to be as gayer! It did not work. I recently got put down with "don't be such a man" during an argument. Geeez
OMG, this is such an accurate summary of my life. the consequences for being gay were so severe when I was young, not just social rejection but loss of employment, and even jail. fear kept me in line. I'm only out to a few people, but even with that, I feel less need to put on the serious male mask and am just more relaxed. I'm to the point where if people think I'm gay, I don't care. before, I just couldn't have anyone think that, there was too much to lose. and that whole thing about sex with the opposite gender, I'm pretty blown away by how spot on that is for my life
I notice that as I was younger I acted more "stereotypically" gay... as if to fit in. Over time, the conformity dropped and I became more masculine. Eventually, really straight acting.
interesting. perhaps the real issue is that we get more authentic with age, experience and wisdom. so if you acted stereotypically gay in youth, you would get more masculine when fitting in became less important, and you developed the confidence to be who you are (I am using "you" generically here). and for me, after spending my life acting straight to fit in, I become more gay as I age and become more comfortable in my own skin (I am using "I" specifically here, to refer to me!) :icon_bigg
