I have always considered myself heterosexual. I have always had enjoyable sexual fantasies involving girls/women and have had bodily responses (erections) to the sight of their bodies. Is has been going on since early adolescence at least. I have also been romantically interested in several girls over the past six years. I use to fantasise about life with them etc. In fact, I got incredibly depressed when I discovered that some of them were in relationships or had an interest in somebody else. I would feel absolutely bitter, frustrated and would struggle to function for the reminder of the day. I would be on the brink of tears, sometimes. However, I once looked at this male who a a love interest of mine fancied and I found myself getting excited because I found similar characteristics between me and him. This made me thought that, because she fancied him and he looked like me, she would begin to like me also. I found myself comparing myself with males who other girls considered attractive more often, getting excited if they had similar characterises to me. I then started panicking as I thought that this excitement was me getting sexually aroused by them, despite no erections or butterlflies in the stomach. So for the last 8 months I have spent an inordinate amount of time looking at pictures of males on the computer, often to the exclusion of other, more enjoyable activities, to see if I felt aroused or not. I would feel a strange feeling in my groin- not, I don't think, arousal, but a feeling of discomfort. As a result, I would feel immense anxiety, thinking 'I must be gay- my life is ruined!). This anxiety has consumed a huge although of my time and made me feel depressed and, sometimes as if a I want to cry. I don't have a huge fear of the social or legal consequences that come with homosexuality, and I am not worried about being different to 90% of the population. But being gay is simply not in keeping with my identity. I can never get aroused by males, and have still been getting aroused by girls, though less often. Particualry, I would appreciate the comments of Chip and Lex as they appear to be very good at helping to shed clarity on other posters' thoughts . Greetings
Thank you for your reply, OnTheHighway. It was rather reassuring. But I still have doubts. I mean, although I have no strong sexual/romantic feelings towards males, I still don't find boys/men completely aesthetically revolting. I've tried pleasuring myself whilst looking at pictures of males, but I have no real desire to continue to the point of ejaculation. Additionally, I have tried to fantasise about life with particular males, and although it doesn't greatly excite me, it doesn't make me feel sick either. I am worried the feelings of indifference mean I am not entirely heterosexual. If I was gay or bisexual, would the feelings make me highly aroused, or just slightly? I have heard that OCD can manifest itself in pathological doubts about one's sexual identity, and have wondered if I have OCD. I have- and still do- exhibit Classic OCD behaviours sic has compulsive checking, counting to certain numbers so that something unpromising doesn't happen. I have spent ages questioning whether my attachment to certain females was just denial and whether my history has been a lie. The feelings did not feel forced , I was genuinely interested in them. Or was I? I am concerned that I was only interested in them because they I thought they were paying me attention, not because I really liked them. Furthermore, is it normal to have no sexual feelings towards females after ejaculation for a while, and is it normal to have unwanted, unenjoyable intrusive thoughts regarding people you don't find attractive when verging on ejaculation ? I have been worried by the concept of latent homosexuality as I worried that is what I am experiencing. If I was gay, would I KNOW I was. I am paranoid that I am subconsciously gay and there is a secret second self emerging and that my interest in females will disappear entirely. I sincerely apologise for the long posts, I just need to give vent to some thoughts I have been keeping to myself for a while.
