I recently was searching the Internet for someone in my particular sitaution. I guess more than anything, I wanted to feel like I was not alone. I came across a thread on this site of a woman who was having concerns regarding her bfs orientaion following an open discussion they had where he mentioned a few gay and transgender fantasies. I had wanted to reapond to that thread but with it being old, I figured I would do it this way. You see, I have been happily married for 15 years and have often felt ashamed of some of my fantasies and desires. As a man, we are raised to believe that any attraction or arousal involving the same sex or same sex organs makes you gay. This has caused me some stress over the years. I am not emotionally attracted to men, but have had fantasies for quite some time about the male genitalia. This has included watching gay and transgender porn (including having very serious thoughts about realistically wanting to have intercourse with a transgender male) Please excuse me if my terminology is wrong by the way, I mean no slight or disrespect. Ultimately, I don't think that I could ever have intercourse with a man, as I am simply not attracted to anything about men except for their penises. I have, however, when I was younger experienced receiving oral from a man when I was drunk and half passed out and did not think about stopping him at any time. I find the body of a woman like a work of art and am kind of repulsed in regard to the body of a man. Though I could never fully come clean to my wife, we did recently have discussions about my fantasy of her with a strap on. This discussion went way different than I thought it would. She actually was aroused by the idea. We have played in this manner several times, (she has to be in a certain mood for this to happen) and she enjoyed the role reversal immensely. I enjoy it and thought that this act may make me feel better but it has only served to make me feel more confused. As I said before I couldn't actually do this with a man, but at this point it is no longer a question of what I enjoy, we have proved it and I want it alot (I wish for her to play back there either with a toy or hand every time we make love). I actually feel shamed afterwards sometimes even though I know I shouldnt. It is the same type of shame or regret I feel after masturbating to gay or transgender porn. I am sorry for the novel but once I started typing it just kept coming. Ultimately I wanted to get it off my chest and see if others have been in similar situations and what they did. I know that I could have read through all of the forums, and probably will, but it would not have been the same as putting my thoughts down like this. Thank you for your time and any input you may have.
