I don't even know why am back here posting, considering I'm so sure I'm straight. But what I want to know is why I keep having doubts about myself and who I am. For starters, I'm sixteen (seventeen next week) and male, and have been speaking to a girl for 3 months now (who I was planning on making my girlfriend last week). I have never had a serious relationship before, but any that I have had in the past have been crap, and after that I kept being rejected. When that started happening, this is when I first discovered that one could be gay if they wished. I started paying attention to men more than women, because I was trying to assess what they had that I didn't (which was why I thought I was being rejected). I'm a chubby unattractive guy, not happy with how I look, and I find myself forever comparing myself to other guys who I deem as attractive. Now, the fact I look at them so much and find them attractive is what messes with my head. I don't look at a guy and want to be with them, have sex with them or have any form of relationship with them. I do, however, look at girls and think they're hot, I would do stuff with them etc etc. Up until now (since beginning of rejection) I have masturbated over porn, and every so often to a picture of a male I look up to (and only gay porn a handful of times). I always had this thought that "oh well, I might as well be gay" since I could never seem to attract women, but I know you can't just 'turn' gay. When I masturbate to guys, I don't imagine anything happening, I just imagine me having their body or their face, and if I masturbate to porn, I look at the male while 'getting off' to the moans of the woman and such...it's as though I wish I was that male. I worry because since I have rarely masturbated solely over women, I'm so used to getting 'hard' this way (and normally, I just force myself to get hard so I have something to jack off to). What if I can't have sex with my potential girlfriend? She stayed the night the other day and it was clear she wanted something from me (I'm a virgin), but it felt weird and I didn't allow anything to happen. She kissed me forcefully, I wasn't ready for it and that lead to me not finding it 'hot'. We made out (again, forcefully) and I still didn't like it because it never happened naturally - and this made me question who I am. Why am I having these doubts? I'm sat here asking myself if I'm gay when I know I shouldn't be. I tried said '"I'm gay" to myself in the mirror (which some people say can give you reassurance), and yet felt no sense of relief, because I know I'm not..that's NOT what I want. May I also mention that I don't believe this girl likes me, because I know she can do much better which is why I'm scared of committing to her. I also have severe anxiety and BDD. Am I just scared of the commitments within a relationship? Is it because it's my 'first' relationship and 'first' time? Will things get better? Please, I just want these false thoughts to go away.
My sense is that your issues have more to do with self confidence, self esteem, and anxiety than your orientation at this point. Being able to tell that a guy is attractive is not the same as feeling sexual attraction toward guys. There is a multi-billion dollar industry whose whole job is to tell us what types of people are attractive (as determined by that industry) for the purpose of selling us stuff. I can tell that a woman meets or exceeds the standards of beauty of my culture. Doesn't mean I have any interest in having sex with her. That all said, I suppose you might be bi, leaning more toward women. Or maybe you are indeed gay and just haven't figured things out yet. Which is fine. The most important thing is that whatever you are, you find it a good and fulfilling fit for you, regardless of what society says you 'should' be into. Getting back to the start of my reply. My advice would be to start some kind of program of exercise and healthy eating to get you appearance more in line with what you'd like it to be, as well as working on dealing with your anxiety and improving your self esteem (the exercise can help with that). Will this result in you looking like your ideal of manhood? I've no idea. But it should result in being in better shape, which should help. Once you're in a better place in terms of how you feel about yourself, you may find that the question of your orientation will be easier to figure out. Just remember that you're fine regardless of orientation. Hope this helps, Todd
Hey ConfusedGuy, I figured I'd try and do what you're asking for in the title, to the best of my ability at least. I don't think you have anything to worry about regarding being gay. You say you find women attractive, in fantasy and in reality, and would very happily do stuff with them. Based on that, it sounds pretty certain that you're attracted to them. I'm guessing when you have fantasies sexual or romantic about women, you're enjoying them, you're not forcing them, and you want more afterwards? By contrast with men, I wouldn't say there's much evidence of any attraction there. You said it yourself- you don't want anything to do with a man. Now is this a conscious decision because you don't want to be attracted to men and have to expend effort to ignore thoughts about them, or is it as simple as you looking at a man and thinking "nope- not my cup of tea"? The way you've worded it, it sounds like the latter. I think you've got at least a rough idea of what you really want. Imo the bigger problem is your self-image. First off, think about it- you say you're unable to attract women, yet it was your potential girlfriend who started proceedings when she was staying over at yours. Doesn't that, if anything, say she has at least some interest in you? She sees something there, if she took the decision to reach out to you. So personally I think trying to fight your anxiety and BDD comes before trying to resolve your sexuality, insomuch as that's more likely to give you confidence, happiness, and put you in a much better state of mind to work out where your attractions lie. You sound like your self-esteem isn't so good, and for that reason I think it's possible that that could have impacted your view of that event- if you keep telling yourself you're not good enough for her, how could you really enjoy the moment? Please try to think more positively about yourself, so you can get to the point you feel that you at least deserve to try and prove your worth to someone instead of coming to premature conclusions that you're not worthy. If you have friends who you're comfortable with, talk to them, ask them how they honestly see you- good and bad points. You'll get reassurance about what's good about you, and constructive criticism for how you can improve. Try and get into better shape if you feel the need. Look for new hobbies and find talents. Just try and get to a point where you're more comfortable with yourself, because I think that will put you in a better position to reflect on your attractions more constructively, because if you're low on confidence and anxious about your orientation it blows the problem out of proportion and makes it very easy to go in circles.
I did figure that if I was in the shape of those who I look up to, I wouldn't feel any competition. I often look at guys and think "I wish I was as thin as him" or "I wish I was attractive as him" or "I wish I could get the type of girlfriend he has". I never look at a guy and think "Oh yes, I would love to be in a romantic relationship with him", because that's just not me...at all. All I can say about guys is that I find some of them attractive, but the thought of even that scares me..because my 'guy friends' are as masculine as it gets and I can tell they wouldn't have the same thoughts as me (then again, I don't know what goes on behind closed doors). Not only is it this, but things I do that scare me. I have been called gay many times by people in school, and even the girl I'm talking to now thought I was when we first met - and that kind of stuff gets to my head. Is my voice too high? Do I walk weird? Do I dress weird? All these things make me question who I am, and to me it's unnecessary thoughts...but it just won't stop. I can't sit in certain positions because I fear it may be suggesting to others that I'm 'gay'..and it's stupid.
You said it in the beginning, I do love women, and not men. I don't want to be with a man, or do things with a man, only women. But when you mentioned 'forced', it made me think. I don't force these thoughts onto myself, but having masturbated and such to primarily 'attractive' guys, I find it hard to think otherwise....it feels as though I've tricked my brain into getting the wrong perception of things. I can masturbate over the girl I like, and if anything I enjoy it more, it's just not as easy to 'get it up'. When she came over, the whole week before I was discussing things such as sex with friends, my family and ever herself to an extent. I was willing, but when it came to the day I just felt so much pressure that I didn't want it to happen. I wanted to be the first to kiss her, but it was her that kissed me..and I hated the thought that I was 'slacking' so she felt as though she 'had' to make the move. She does know that I think things are going so fast, especially since I don't quite believe what is happening..but do you think the fact that I'm so used to rejection is having an affect on how I perceive a relationship? It's as though I've 'forgotten' what happens in one. I saved myself from masturbation for a good week or so, and when it came to 'letting go', it was a combined thought. I was thinking about her (hard as rock) as well as imagining my ideal body, and then having her perform oral to me (and having sex in general), and after this I felt so accomplished that I'd enjoyed myself so much more than I had in the past when I'd done it. Moving on to image, I have dieted before (two times actually) and both successfully, except more recently my will power has decreased and I found myself eating crap again. When I lost the weight the second time around, it was far more noticeable. I went from 232lbs to 179lbs in 4 months and I felt on top of the world. I had no worries about how I looked, I didn't care about what people thought, but I still did the whole 'looking at guys' thing, but not to the extent that I did before. I still aspired to be like them, or look like them, but I knew I was on my way to it so I didn't do it as much. I can only imagine what it'd be like to have that sense of happiness and relief again, only this time with a girlfriend. Regarding the "cup of tea" thing, all I see when I look at a guy is if he is attractive or not, I mean I know 'ugly' from 'good looking' and obviously that's a natural instinct. Like I said, there's not physical or sexual attraction to them, more so admiration.
Hi Confused! Nothing you've said automatically makes you gay. It does make you 16 however. As a former 16, 17, 18 ... year old. I would bet that out of all those uber masculine friends of yours, there are 1 or 2 who are, or have had, the same thoughts and concerns. You would not be normal if you weren't questioning everything from the sound of your voice to the way you sit. After all, there's nothing on the planet more judgemental than another 16 year old (at least from the point of view of a 16 year old!) While it may be straight guy code to never admit when another guy is actually attractive, you can be certain that your friends are looking, if only to evaluate the competition and rate their own chance of success with girls based on who is better looking, thiner, more athletic, etc. Just think of yourself as more enlightened and evolved. In fact girls are always looking for the guy who's capable of such sensitivity - use it to your advantage :icon_bigg RELAX and enjoy yourself, date lots of girls, be a good friend and keep an open mind - your brain is still cooking so let it go. -AG
Unfortunately people like to use the word "gay" as an insult. It doesn't mean they think you are gay -- they just want to say something mean and to them being gay is bad so they say that. Of course their opinion doesn't matter anyway! But the insults definitely don't mean you are sitting in a "gay" way or anything like that. It sounds to me like you are very attracted to girls, even if things aren't going perfectly right now. Having trouble with girls definitely does NOT mean you are gay. If you date this girl again you might want to be honest that you'd prefer a gentler approach with kissing. (Emphasizing that you want her to keep kissing you...)
Doesn't sound like you aren't attracted to men, you are envious of them. I was tall and thin, and some people think I was cute when I was 18 (where were they then.) I was so self-conscious and introverted that I hardly ever asked anyone out. Never dated in high school, and very limited in college. Did hookup with a girl I was sweet on but she broke my heart, and destroyed what self-confidence I might have had. Your problem isn't your physique it is your state of mind. Will power only gets you so far when you have a poor self image of yourself. Picture where you want to go, and the path to get there. Then make sure you evaluate everything you do against your ideal. Don't feel guilt that you aren't there yet, be proud that you are on the journey to your dream. Stop worrying about your sexuality, you sound like you are very solidly yourself.
