I just entered the Stockholm gay scene and I must say I'm a bit disappointed. I have nothing against casual sex, I just don't engage in it because it's not fulfilling to me. There's just one thing that bothers me. How come most people in the gay community are looking for "love", and they try to find it by having lots of casual sex!? And then when all they get is casual relationships, they try to fill the void through having sex with even more guys. I'm tired of this miserable existence and I don't want to be a part of it. Also, of all the gay guys I've met who are friends, most of them have slept with each other, what's up with that?
My first bit of advice, especially if you are new to the community, would be to stop throwing around generalizations like "most people in the gay community"--not to be blunt but you just don't have a large enough frame of reference. What you probably actually mean is most gay guys I've met or most of the guys who go to that club I go to, etc. So if they are not the kind of people you want to meet meet people somewhere else. Back in the day I loved the club scene but I also led a gay book group, did gay charity work, etc. My partner belonged to a gay choir and a gay bowling league. I have several friends who attend gay church. Each of those activities involved a different type of guy. More fundamentally, though, if I were you I would ask myself why the situation I find myself in bothered me so much. You say you have nothing against casual sex, but it really doesn't sound that way to me. And the one thing I will say about gay men (OK I'm going to generalize, but I've been out and about for twenty some-odd years and have probably known thousands of gay guys) is that generally speaking they are alright with whatever you choose so long as you really are also respectful of what they choose. I actually had been a regular in gay bars for almost a year before I even started drinking--I still don't really drink much (being raised Mormon it just wasn't part of my cultural upbringing)--no one has ever said anything. On the other hand, if I had a problem with them drinking well it would have been a problem. I guess what I'm saying is I don't quite understand how what these people are doing really affects you. I have lots of friends who don't sleep around but I also have lots who do sleep around, I don't any more--I've been with my partner for 17 years. Still the extent of how these friends of mine sleeping around and me not sleeping around affects our friendship is that, well, we don't have sex with each other. That's about it. The other thing I would urge you to do is challenge your assumptions about what the guys around you are really doing when they engage in "casual sex"--especially if they are all ending up as friends afterwards it may not really be what you think it is. There's another thread on casual sex on the board at the moment that it may be helpful to read. I'll cut and paste one of my comments from there: Now, maybe that all sounds sordid and sad to you, but it was lovely at the time. And now, from the perspective of having been in a relationship for 17 years, I don't look back at that time of life as some awful thing I had to get through to get to this. It was a wonderful time of my life which was just different than this wonderful time in my life. I'm honestly glad I got to have both of those experiences. And yeah, I actually have several friends that I have slept with--considering that I haven't slept around in a long time, I guess they turned out to be pretty solid friendships. If you want to save yourself for marriage have at it. It's a totally valid choice, it's just not the only valid choice.
Thank you for your response! I actually feel kind of embarrassed now that you've pointed out what I clearly see is the correct perspective of the situation. The real problem is that I was hurt by someone who just wanted to have sex with me when I wanted something more. I shouldn't have generalized my feelings toward the whole gay community.
