If I were a straight HOCD sufferer I could probably just date guys. It's nearly impossible to date girls when you're closeted. It's nearly impossible to come out when you feel like your label will change any minute. I've tried looking for a therapist, but they're ignorant about OCD and LGBT issues. Right now I just spend time on sites like this, but I'm sick of ignorant people telling me that sexuality is fluid.
Hi, I just found this online, does this sum up your experience accurately? I only heard of 'hocd' recently:
Intelligence is fluid, passion is fluid, reason is fluid... (fluid in this case meaning it can grow and change over time.) But nope, not sexuality... That's got to be narrowed down to a very specific label and can't change ever. 0IC Oh, and this isn't hostility, it's confusion, frustration, and sarcastic. Not trying to be hurtful, just honest. Everyone's point of view of their whole life is subjective, and it can change when new experiences open up you eyes or changes the lenses your seeing it through.
Well I mean statistics disagree with you but okay. Unless youre being sarcastic. Is this like the 5th HOCD thread here? Not to be hateful, it is verging on spam IMO. I don't have any opinion on HOCD. To me it's more of a psychological issue than an Lgbt issue.
Sepulse, if you are wanting to start coming out, can you come out as either questioning, or "probably gay but not totally sure"? I've done the latter myself with my friends, and it's helped me to relax about my label quite a bit. Everyone kept telling me to just come out as questioning or not to put a label on myself and that didn't help, but spelling out my thoughts more precisely has. I still get into thought loops and worries about mislabeling sometimes, but since I've left myself some "wiggle room" so to speak with the people I'm out to I'm not so worried about it, and I know they aren't, either.
I don't know where that's coming from, but there's plenty of data to contradict it. This is one of those nuanced things that's really hard to clearly describe, but there are certainly people whose attractions shift back and forth over time. I can agree that for the overwhelming majority, sexual orientation/attraction is pretty stable, but there's also a pretty significant portion of people whose sexuality is fluid over time. You almost never, for example, see someone who's 100% straight earlier in life switch and become 100% gay. But you do see people who are more toward the center of the continuum shifting more one way or the other. Particularly when one is coming to terms with orientation, what they perceive and believe about their sexual orientation can absolutely change from one day to the next. And to the extent that our perception *is* our reality in some ways... you can certainly argue that if you identify as straight today, and tomorrow you identify as gay, to you, those things are real. The OCD piece also tends to be grossly exaggerated. OCD is almost never limited to obsessions about one's sexual orientation; if there isn't clear evidence of other intrusive, obsessive thoughts separate from sexual orientation, then what you have is probably not OCD, but just a temporary concern about figuring out your sexual orientation... which can be just as upsetting and anxiety-laden as real OCD but is, nonetheless, a byproduct of processing the feelings rather than a biochemical/neurotransmatter pathway deficiency, as OCD is.
I accept that it's fluid for some people. I just hate when people imply that it's fluid for me or everyone. I'm too much of a perfectionist to do that on a large scale. I don't want to appear confused. I want to look strong and self assured. I hate myself for being confused. Sometimes I just want to die because of it. I think being confused about your sexuality is worse than being gay or bi. I still have to deal with internalized homophobia, but it's not as bad as my HOCD. I have told a few people, but they only know because I came out to them when I was fourteen and more secure. The people I came out to are partially to blame for my obsession. At one point I even came out as bi in case I like guys, but people acted like I was a horny straight girl for some reason. That made me feel even more closeted. I often avoid saying guys are good looking, so people won't think I like them. I guess my internalized homophobia makes me scared of talking about girls. I do the same with girls. HOCD makes me lose my sex drive a lot of the time anyways. I
Maybe I should try that, if I decide to come out at all. Being "questioning" is frustrating for me because I feel like at this age I should have the damn answer. Anyway I just wanted you to know that this post helped me. ETA: I didn't mean to interrupt your thread, Sepulse. I have a lot of sympathy for what you are going through. I don't have literal HOCD, or at least I don't think so, but the doubts are freaking me out in a major way.
It's okay. It's nice to hear from people with the same problem. Just as long as you avoid the fluid sexuality narrative.
You have to find a therapist/psychiatrist that specialize in OCD. There are also centers in major cities, if you live by one, that have centers that specialize in Anxiety disorders. Big, university hospitals have centers that specialize in certain disorder and have doctors/therapist in those programs. I would keep searching because not every therapist or psychiatrist has experience with every disorder. There are some support groups online you could join. There are workbooks for people with OCD. You could come out to people and just say "I'm dating who i am attracted to and letting time tell." I did that with my aunt like a year ago. I was still figuring out my sexuality. I told my aunt, if i am attracted to someone of the same sex.. i do not mind dating them. Now i am hundred percent confident in my sexuality, but just tell people you follow your heart.
I can definitely understand your hesitation there, then. I've been able to come out to my friends this way because I know that they really just don't care about my orientation much. I mean, I'm sure they care how it effects me, but personally they just aren't bothered by it. I don't intend to come out to family or others who might be more judgmental until I feel more confident and assured of myself, because I know I'll need to be able to stand my ground. If you've been through that experience of being doubted or harassed about it already I totally get why you would not want to share your thoughts until you feel more sure yourself. Additionally I'll echo others here and say you might want to continue looking for a therapist that can help you. You may be able to find therapists that specialize in LGBT issues, or OCD, or both. As Seeking said, not all psychologists are good at treating every disorder, sometimes it can take awhile to find the right fit. I can relate, and I'm glad it helped . For me "questioning" is just too nebulous a term. I have a sense of what side of the Kinsey scale I fall on, I'm just not always certain of the precise location. Or I am, but then I'm filled with doubt again. I've also struggled so much just to be able to come out that explaining what questioning means seemed out of the scope of my ability in those "coming out" moments.
