hello internet! so i realise my problem isn't an unusual one, but i feel like i need to get it out there. a while back i discovered that i was attracted to girls, which was fine, i just went with it and figured i go both ways, didn't really label it. i don't put a lot of effort into finding a partner, and im not openly out so i haven't had any real experiences with women. ive had a couple of relationships with guys, although the only one that really counted only lasted a month or two and it was long-distance. i always took for granted that i was attracted to guys. i mean, i am superficially. i admire good looking people, regardless of gender. ive had a lot of crushes on them too. but it's as though as soon as they get close emotionally or physically, that kills it for me. after that i can't stand the sight of them anymore. now, my issue is really that i haven't had the chance to test if this happens with women too. i feel at the moment like i'd much rather have a girl than a guy but that might just be the fact that i haven't felt repulsed by a girl yet. maybe im just meeting guys im not attracted to, maybe i'm gay. there is a small part of me that's scared something might be wrong with my ability to feel intimacy. anyone been through something similar? i would love some advice, even if it's nice just getting my thoughts down in writing. it's really annoying. i go from thinking a person is the hottest, smartest, most charming guy ever to finding everything about him slightly repulsive, and it happens so suddenly! i feel like it's usually at the point where he starts to pursue me back (if i initiated things) or when i meet him IRL after a time of just chatting online. Hope you're all well! (*hug*)
You might have a look here: Am I Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender? There is romantic and sexual attraction...and some people say they fall not in love with a gender but a person... Well you might take it slow... get to know a woman... see if you are compatible... and see where it takes you... (*hug*)
Intimacy can be scary. When we allow someone to get closer to us, we open ourselves up to risk, the risk of getting hurt. But, without risk there is also no reward. Regarding whether you are gay, straight or bi, well only time and experience, or even just personal exploration can tell, and more to the point, only you can tell. Discovering your orientation can take time, it is a journey, as many here can attest (including myself). Give yourself the time and space to explore this more fully, there is no rush. In my own case, I feel a bit afraid that if I ever meet someone I really like, I mean, someone I actually fall in love with - I don't think I've ever felt that properly - that the wounded part of me, the 'child' who was hurt and abused, might do what you mention - back right off, shy away. This is an understandable reaction, but it could hinder my ability to truly live. Obviously I'm working on this with my counsellor, etc. But in your case, I would also suggest maybe doing the same, talking about the issue with someone suitably qualified. I'm certainly not saying you have abuse issues like I do, just saying, these kinds of things can suggest a need to dig a bit deeper, maybe, to see what's really going on. Andy. (*hug*)
