(I had originally posted this accidentally in the "LGBT Later in Life forum. My apologies) Hello everyone, I'm a 27 year old guy who's been going through some severe mental turmoil in the past few months. My whole life I've been straight--and by that I mean I actually straight, not just straight-acting in denial. Had crushes on girls and only girls at all levels of school, masturbated exclusively to girls my whole life, had relationships with girls, etc. etc. blah blah blah. Although I've never been shy among anybody about saying that I find a very small handful of men--Tom Brady, Paul Walker, etc--"attractive" in an aesthetic sense, that attraction has never been sexual. One of the reasons I was never afraid to even use the word "hot" about them, among anybody, was because I knew I wasn't sexually attracted to them. One crude way I explained it to a friend was that "I think he's good-looking, but I don't want his penis". Last February, when I saw one particularly "attractive" guy, for some reason I started to wonder if I might be gay. I really have no idea what made it different "this time", since, as indicated, I've always been comfortable with the fact that I have an aesthetic attraction for certain men. I figured it was just something that would pass after a time, so I suppressed the feeling, but after a few months, it was starting to get so wearisome that I decided I should indulge the feeling; either it would be a release, or I would turn out to be gay and that would just be the way I am. So I decided to watch/try to masturbate to gay porn. My reaction to it what I still don't really understand. It doesn't repulse me, and there's something "hot" about it, but sort of in a novelty type way, if that makes any sense. One thing that happens often is I will find it hot initially--there's sort of a "spark--but then as I try to relax and really start getting into it, I just get bored and finding myself wanting to watch straight porn again, which I do. Then when I'm watching straight porn again, I'll kind of want to watch gay porn again. And on and on and on. I've noticed that I have to be thinking about a woman to actually come, but during those few seconds, I'll try to think of a man, and I usually just end up with this confused, non-definitive orgasm. As for the H-OCD thing I've read a lot about, here, it certainly makes a lot of sense. My whole life I've suffered from a sort of "obsessive disorder", that is, an OCD without any compulsions, where I'll just obsess over something identity-related. This sounds incredibly stupid, but back when I was 14 or so, I had this sort of panic that I wasn't "really" a Philadelphia Eagles fan, but that I "actually" liked the St. Louis Rams, even though I didn't. A few years later, in a heavily religious period of my life, I worried that I didn't "really" love Jesus and that I actually wanted to worship Satan. So that the same sort of dynamic would return with my sexuality certainly makes a lot of sense. Still, I have two issues with that diagnosis. 1)Those episodes didn't last nearly as long as this has--those were probably a few months at the most; this has been 10, now. 2)It smacks just a little too much of a form of denial to me. Like trying to give a medical/psychological veneer to the plain fact that you're just in denial that you're gay. I'm thinking the only thing for me to do at this point is go out and try having sex with a guy just to see how I respond, though I'm worried it will just result in more ambivalence. It's funny, though I don't want to be gay, I do actually just want to have a definitive feeling about what I am, and when I watch gay porn I try hard to just unequivocally enjoy it and have a 100% gay-fantasy orgasm, but it just doesn't happen for me. Sometimes it feels like I'm desperately trying to be gay even though I'm not, just so I'll have an answer. To put this whole thing much more succinctly: :bang::bang: I appreciate everyone's help.
Maybe you should try to experiment with a guy. Like me, you'll probably be repulsed when you actually have a chance to be with a guy.
Heh... I have two things for you to think about: 1. What triggered your prior episodes of fear about your identity (about your sports affiliation, your potential satan worship...)? Do they have anything in common with this episode? Were you going through something external that might explain why your fears came through in this form? 2. What's the worst that could happen if you did sleep with a guy? Are you afraid because you don't actually want to have sex with another man? Have you ever had a romantic interest in men, or is it purely sexual at this point? What is this "worst-case scenario" that you are building up in your mind? Let me just say that plenty of straight people experiment with people of the same sex. It doesn't have to mean anything about you. But if it does, that's not so bad. And if you really are not attracted to a guy and are conflating fear with attraction, you may want to rethink why you want to experiment with someone of the same sex. Best of luck.
yeah your whole story sounds like mine! There is a high chance this is all a brainf**king period, i think most guys find other guys attractive in an aesthetic way but never agree to it because they fear others or even themselves might misunderstand that feeling and think that they are actually gay. Pornography always messes up with our minds, if you think of it out of the box in Gay/Straight pornography you always see Attractive/Hot males and females so you might actually like a sexual act just because the people who take part in it are very attractive. My advice to you it to try to get n a relationship with a girl like you always did and see how you feel. ** be careful though you need to calm down a bit and stop thinking about the possibility of being gay cause this will ruin any sort of relationship you might try to develop with any girls**
Hi, Did the OP come looking for more denial? If so I missed it. I would suggest this is the OP's journey and members should not project their feelings to others. If the OP is straight great, if bisexual great, if gay great. The issue is acknowledging and accepting THEIR individuality in a conformity driven culture. OP... keep in mind the population of EC. Many have passed through the crucible of self acceptance and succeeded, others are struggling, or in deep denial for a myriad of reasons. Choose your mentors carefully.
It does sound like some form of OCD or obsessive disorder as you put it. If that is the case, then I'm fairly sure that strangers speculating about your orientation over the internet is not going to help, and I would encourage you to try and seek help or treatment specifically for the obsessive thoughts. I don't think sleeping with a guy is necessary or even really a good idea. Honestly it doesn't really sound like you're gay to me, but either way the obsessive thoughts are going to get in the way of you actually being able to process this in an objective way and that won't change by forcing yourself to be with a guy. It will probably still not be clear to you afterwards regardless of the actual truth of the matter.
I'm sorry. I really don't have much advice here. But two things: you don't become gay or bi; you either are or you aren't. If you are gay or bi, you probably were suppressing it instead of being straight. You can't turn gay or bi. And second: porn can turn you on even when it's something you really wouldn't be into in real life. Don't go by how you react to porn. ummm yeah, I wish I had more to contribute, but I don't. Good luck.
Good post. I was thinking along similar lines. Let's be sensitive to just how difficult it can be, when some fledgling same-sex attraction begins to surface, and how suddenly all this doubt, walls of denial powered by society, religion, you name it, all come up against what someone is naturally feeling, however 'mild' it might be we shouldn't dismiss or minimize what we naturally feel. We don't even have to 'analyze' or necessarily put all our feelings into context; just let them be, explore them, see where they lead. And as skiff points out, whether the op turns out to be straight, bisexual, or gay, any of these are totally and 100% fine so there's nothing to 'worry' about in any case, just a journey to be aware of and sensitive to. ---------- Post added 21st Dec 2014 at 07:41 AM ---------- Hi Ludovician while there is absolutely nothing wrong with using porn, in fact I think it is a great way to help get through a period of being alone, lonely etc (although one needs to be careful that one does not get so obsessed with it, that it actually begins to consume one). still the kind of porn we watch, and how we react to it, is not an accurate indicator of our sexuality. Porn is a sort of 'alternate realm' in which we can dwell for a while, but cmon it's not realistic...most of us will not end up with venuses or adonises like the beauties we can look at online, even they are enhanced anyway, and we can see in one day more naked bodies than we would see irl in a year. It's an artificially hyper-stimulating situation, so whatever rocks your world in the porn realm, might or might not work in the 'real world'. But once again, I've got nothing against looking at lovely guys online, and yeah it's interesting to observe the reactions of your body, but I think it's a good idea, to also 'tune in' to how you feel around guys just 'out there in the world' (the guys you find 'cute', that is ), to become more relaxed about that, too. As has been pointed out, whatever your sexuality 'really' turns out to be, straight, gay or bi, any of these are fine, but only time, and your own experience, can tell, certainly not us here! We can only support you as you walk this journey. Andy.
