Hello everyone, The last time i wrote here I was going through some confusion and doing a lot of research on the subject of HOCD and was at a loss...now I am even more so. I have been coming to the conclusion that I have to let my emotions flow, to accept myself as who I am...even if that means plunging into homosexuality. I feel I have to experiment in order to know myself completely and even (tonight actually) I almost slept with another man to just finally be done with it. My mind tells me I'm curious and I HAVE had sexual fantasies about gay sex to see how I would feel...and how I feel is too weird. I comprehend how there can be love between two men, and hell I can even see the pleasures in gay sex...yet when I look around in reality I find myself unable to go through with it. Sure the fantasy is nice...but the reality is soooo much different...it's like thinking about having sex with my bros. And ultimately this about me simply wanting to be free of doubt/ be happy through acceptance. I'm a young man who just wants to have healthy relationships, to love myself, to not have self deception....and that's where it gets me too: I've been straight in my mind my whole life. Sure I've done some experimenting when I was a young kid, but I have never had the doubt I do now. I've had relationships with women too (lots of enjoyable sex involved) but none were successful (not due to any lack if interest on my part for sure) and am not so successful with women period. In fact I've become a little consumed by my broken heart and bitterness so these days I just feel numb...like Id never be loved...and this drives my obsession over my sexual orientation. I know I would be accepted and that there's nothing wrong with being gay (I have many gay friends)...but it's all just like a coat that doesn't fit...and before this gets too long I'll stop...can ANYONE please help me? Do I have to do something I may regret just to fulfill some curiosity or clear doubt of my orientation? ---------- Post added 20th Dec 2014 at 09:25 PM ---------- Also: this is about me being honest with myself...and one thing I do feel honestly is that I'm denied the love I once desired and now am forced to become gay beyond my control. And where once there was a clearly perceived history of wanting women, there is now only doubt and skewed details...this isn't about me working towards letting everyone know how I've felt this whole time...I feel twisted and not myself
It seems clear that you've got some pretty significant confusion going on that's making it really difficult to figure out where you really are. Here are some pieces that could be helpful. I think there's some sort of abnormal fear going on about simply having a sexual experience with another guy. And that could be rooted in a (perhaps unconscious) fear that by actually conducting this "experiment" that you'll remove all doubt. When I think about why else you would describe this as "doing something you regret"... if it's just trying something on for size, provided that you're thoughtful and play safe, there's really nothing major to regret from just taking the opportunity to experiment. Here's another piece: We don't know if you're straight or gay (at least, I don't.) But... if, in fact, you really are gay, then the statement "I've been straight my whole life" isn't really correct, because orientation is generally pretty hardwired. And actually, I'm not sure you're really as straight as you're describing, because you also describe experimenting when you were younger. For that matter, there are plenty of people who live their lives feeling like they're straight... with no inkling they might be gay... and then, at some point, they start to realize that maybe they *are* gay. It can happen in 30s or 40s or even later. And for at least some of those people, the denial can be so strong that there's literally no inkling, but when they finally do accept, they are able to then look back and see all sorts of signs and indicators that should have been rather obvious, but weren't at the time. Finally, nobody becomes attracted to men because women reject them. It simply doesn't work like that. If it did, then reparative therapy to change sexual orientation would work, and there's a pretty unified, resounding voice among professionals that says it doesn't. I will say that, if you are bi or gay, everything you're describing, from the revulsion to sexual acts with guys, to the anxiety, to the worry about regret... is consistent with strong denial for someone in the early stage of processing their self-acceptance. For straight guys, they generally won't have such vehement revulsion, just more of a "Meh, that doesn't interest me in the slightest." I hope that's helpful.
