Hi all, I am really glad to find a forum where I can talk about what I'm thinking. It would be good to get someone else's take on this... I've recently been wondering if I'm gay, and if I am, what I should do about it. A bit about me: I'm a 31 yo female, and have only ever had relationships with men. But I've never really been turned on by men. Sure, sex with a guy is fine and sometimes will do the job, but I never really been into it and assumed it was because I'm clumsy and awkward (as I am with most things in life). Since I was a teenager I've had a few what I would call crushes on girls, in that i was attracted to them and had the odd sexual fantasy, and I only really find girls or girl on girl images arousing. I sometimes get fixated on girls because I think they're beautiful, and not necessarily pin up girl beautiful, but just because they have a nice neck or smile or I like the way their hair bounces. But for some reason I never questioned my sexuality until recently. The thing is, I've always been shy around girls and don't have a lot of female friends. Most of my friends are guys, and my 'romantic' relationships with men have been not that romantic. I always thought it was because I'm a logical science type person and don't really buy into the romantic narrative. I've been in a relationship with the same man for 8 years, and he is a wonderful person and my best friend- we rarely argue and I enjoy his company so much. But recently I've been wondering if I am settling- not for him as a person because - but settling for a lukewarm life because I'm too afraid to take a chance to explore this. Here are my concerns: I've never been with a woman, never kissed one and never even had the close girly friendships some girls have. So I don't even know if I am gay. I don't want to throw away a great relationship if I turn out to be wrong. Plus, there are practical considerations like we live together and have stuff and pets and joint accounts etc. financially it would be messy to separate. I wouldn't know how to be gay. Where would I meet people? What do gay thirty something's think about women who've never been with a woman? Would I meet someone I want to be with? As you can see, I'm confused. I could really use some advice if anyone has some... Thanks in advance!
I'm sorry that I don't have advice, but your story sounds a lot like mine. I never got much out of sex with guys and I like looking at women... or at least pictures of women, I'm afraid to look to much at real women. But I haven't had a close female friend since high school. I did have one then and I didn't get feelings for her but at one point I did think I had feelings for another girl, but I wasn't sure then or now. Anyway, I hope it helps to know you're not alone. But I know it's very rough to reconsider a relationship, especially when you're uncertain.
Your story sounds a lot like mine. I didn't realized I was gay until 2 years ago when I was 24. I've always checked out girls and had girls crushes but I told myself that I just saw them as role models, nothing else, and always thought that I was straight and said to myself that if I wasn't attracted to any men I knew it was because I'm picky and haven't found the one yet. Sex with men was always kind of meh for me. Something I did because it was what you are supposed to do in a relationship, not somehting I wanted to do. Like you, I said to myself it was because I'm awkward and thought I could be asexual. I really liked the guy I was with a few years ago, but more as a best friend. I enjoyed his company and doing stuff together because we shared a lot of hobbies but I didn't see him as a boyfriend. I haven't been with a woman yet (I'm still trying to figure out how to meet gay people), but I'm certain I'm gay. The signs are all there and if I chose not to see them before it was because I was in denial. Hope my story helps!
Hi Soxy, I could identify myself as the male version of you (if that makes sense). Sure, I have had relationships with girls, but somehow, I felt like something was missing and I couldn't find what it was. I've never kissed or had much in the way of intimacy with my own gender (though I was very close to a guy in my teens). I did know a friend-of-a-friend who was extremely confused and ended up getting together with another guy just to see if he was in fact gay, but in the end he decided that he "just wanted to see". I'm not very wise when it comes to LGBT issues, but could it be possible that you may be wanting to experiment with your own gender just to find yourself? I hope you find the answer you seek.
Hiya, I get where you're coming from, although I'm more kinda Bi/ Pan than anything else- thing is, I'm married, and my OH is my best friend and I love him to bits- plus we have kids and everything, so even though I'm otherwise mainly attracted to women, I'm pretty much out of the market these days. Rewinding a little though, I hung out almost exclusively with gay blokes as a teen, and kind of felt I was one of them, but didn't really :smilewavefeel like a gay woman, although I'm sure I looked the part, as I frequently get/ got mistaken for a boy, then and now... I dated guys throughout my teens/ 20s, mainly because they asked me out, and they were nice blokes, and I was flattered to be asked, I suppose- but there was no real sexual attraction on the whole (on my part) although at least once there was a whole lot of love, at least... I did have a mad crush on my best (female) friend too- but it seemed to be unrequited- well, I was definitely too scared to be overt about it. Personally, I've always found it hard having close female friends and, like you, assumed it was because I have quite blokey tastes etc... but mainly it's because I can't feel truly platonic about any gender- like I assume truly straight people can- and there's always that worry that I'll misread signs of mateyness as something 'else'. Makes things a bit awkward at times.. Having kids helped with platonic female bonding though, and I was quite womanly for a few years which was a real change. Must have been a hormonal thing! I always found it really difficult to meet gay/ bi women too, and became quite scared of feeling attracted to straight ones (quite rare though!) It was just easier to stick to blokes who seemed keen enough tbh, and all the women I was attracted to didn't seem interested, so... I'm not sorry I got married, 'cause as I say I do really love my OH- he's my soulmate, but there are very few men I fancy these days, and an awful lot of women, and I wish I could have had a few more meaningful relationships with them before settling down (yes, it might well have changed history) but I kind of feel like I'm masquerading as a straight woman, when I'm certainly not... I do hope you find a solution to your problem..xx
I think that it's something you just know. I'm thirteen and have never done anything, but hugged a boy or girl, but I'm sure I'm a lesbian. I'm friends with a bunch of guys and have always admired/been shy around girls. I've also had lots of queer friends to look up to who thought I was queer, so that helped me figure myself out a bit too. I think as long as you keep exploring your feelings and thoughts, you'll come to a conclusion whether it be sooner or later.
Hi, It is eerie how much this message could have been written by me. Down to the age! So certainly you are not the only one. As for advice, I can't give much because I'm more or less lost myself - The questions at the end of your message especially hit home - but if you ever want to chat I can certainly understand where you are coming from. But few questions I would think if I were you. First, why now? Why do you wonder about your sexuality now, as in what triggered it? For me it was falling hard for a female friend on mine - and it took me about 4 months until I even realized I had fallen for her. Secondly, how do you feel about sex with your partner? Do you enjoy it? You say it's a bit meh but still sometimes does the job - so maybe you are bi? I have been with a fantastic man for the past four years but I do not enjoy sex with him any more, and this partly why we are breaking up now. Third, could you see yourself in a relationship with a woman? Not that it would be compulsory but imagining it helped at least me to sort out a a bit how I felt about things. And last, I don't personally think labels are that important.. But I do see you want to figure it out. Good luck!
